My daily diary.

[Dbsworrier]

22/06/2017


Much like yesterday, I've tried to remain positive. Hopefully this is a step in a good direction and things will finally start to make sense. As always though I am not going to speak too soon.

I woke up at lunch. Decided to make that first, then have a shower as the heat wasn't as bad today. I went about this slowly, watered the garden and the went for a walk in the afternoon. On my walk I was still quite concentrated on how I was moving my legs, but I couldn't be bothered to dwell heavily on it so just kept going.

I met Ma for a coffee, and just sat there quietly as I usually do. While I was sitting I was a bit concentrated on how parts of my hand seemed to move quite automatically when I was twirling my headphone cable, but again I just couldn't be bothered with it. Also talking to people is still odd and if I think deep down I still don't think it's me, but I'm getting on with it for whatever reason.

This evening I went for a walk and here I am sitting now typing this. It's been a nothing day again, but I'm happy with that for now as it makes me feel a little more comfortable. I am dreading the weekend when I may have to do more.

Therapy again tomorrow, if of course this is the real world. I will relay all of this information to the therapist, one of the people like everything else that I am yet to convince myself is real. Will see how it goes.

[Dbsworrier]

23/06/2017


I write this at the end of the day as the idea of not being real is slipping back in to my mind. Hopefully I don't believe it, but I honestly don't know. Hopefully going over the day will prove me wrong.

I got up at the usual time, all the usual thoughts were a bit more prominent than the last couple of days, but I soldiered on. Made my lunch, then much like yesterday slowly showered etc. I went out for a walk and met Ma late on for a coffee. All of the aforementioned issues were there, but I was seeing the therapist in an hour so hopefully that would help.

Got to the therapist and I went over the fact again that I didn't believe I was real. She seemed less concerned than me. It did seem like she was more real when I was talking to her which is something. She taught me a meditation technique, which I was nervous about doing as the person who I was before once did some meditation and it freaked me the hell out. As we were meditating I went through stages. At points it felt like I was struggling to breath properly, then I was worried I was going to see some freaky imagery, then my head felt rather heavy. I felt eventually that I reached a point where I was eventually able to relax a bit. When I opened my eyes the room seemed smaller, my arms looked thin and unreal, my vision felt odd, and I felt a bit like I was floating. I don't know if it helped or not.

I left still feeling like everything was a bit narrow, but at least that took my mind of the fact that I may not be real. I picked up dinner and went home trying to convince myself I was real though I don't believe it. I have had fleeting thoughts that maybe I could return to normal this evening, and this will all eventually make sense; but I'm never sure if I'm just kidding myself.

I watered my plants about half an hour ago and didn't think too much about anything until I'd finished. Then I did start to really believe that this couldn't all be real again. It's weird because when I think it, it really scares me, and then moments later the immediate threat of it goes and I desperately try to explore what that feeling was, but can't quite find it. The only thing that remains is the idea that this isn't the real world.

So I honestly don't know what the next few days has in store. You get to a point where you honestly feel like you can suddenly make sense of things, and you don't know how you could get back to those bad feelings. Then they just hit you, you have no control over when or how it's going to happen. It seems I can never get too positive, because deep down I know this can't be real; a real person wouldn't feel so numb and distant, I don't feel human at all.

Please, please, please. I just want answers.

[Dbsworrier]

24/06/2017


I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe. I am trapped. Trapped in a world that no matter how many times I try to convince myself it's real, something just doesn't add up. One or two things I can sometimes optimistically piece together, but then a third comes in that doesn't fit in the same jigsaw. Will I wake up from this? Will I come to my senses?

I went to bed last night with a cloud creeping over me. This just couldn't be the real world. I am not acting right, other people aren't acting right. I tried out some meditation, but was interrupted by Ma asking questions. I snapped at her, I honestly didn't care about her feelings. I could not see how she can not see that I feel like I am in real trouble. I'm either actually not here, or this is a psychosis. If I were here then this wouldn't be a normal thing to happen. If I'm not here, then I just want to escape back to the world I know and all it's comforts. I went to sleep last night after doing some googling, and semi convinced myself that I had bi-polar. This was a relief in some ways because I had a name for what I was feeling. In other ways it scared me, because I have to wait two weeks to see an actual doctor (if at course he is real) and anything could happen in that time. If one day this all makes sense, I have alot of apologies to make.

I woke up this morning still feeling dreadful. I stayed in bed until lunchtime. My mind all day pretty much from this moment has been as follows; 'I'm not real, but you are because of this, but you're not because of this, but you wouldn't be able to do this, but this doesn't make sense, but this does, but this wouldn't be like this, but this has an explanation, but it doesn't, and so on. I watched myself go through the motions of getting up, eating, getting dressed, and then travelling to windsor with the person in this world who is supposedly my mother, but I can't be sure if this is all a projection.

While in Windsor, I saw people walking by going about their lives. They surely couldn't be an invention of my own mind? They couldn't be a fiction playing out before me? But still I think they were. No evidence pointed in that direction, but I couldn't get the idea that this is not reality out of my head. I was pretty sure it wasn't.

I say it over and over again. If this is reality and just the experiences of someone who is unwell, then I am very unwell. But nobody seems to notice. They think I am normal, because I answer them occasionally how the person they think I am would. But still surely if this were real, they would see and take action!

This evening before dinner, Ma went out for a drink. When I am alone and not having to go anywhere is when I am at my most serene. I can almost talk myself in to an acceptance of what is happening, and that the jigsaw will piece together soon. These moments are fleeting though.

So the confusion still goes on. I sit here in my sanctuary; the garden, as I have done every evening this week. Looking back at what I have just written, it reads almost poetically. Maybe it is a cry for attention, I don't think it is. This is just how I feel. I'm not trying to be melodramatic as it IS a melodrama, so therefore can not read any other way. I guess this is a cry for help, just for someone to take notice, for someone to understand, for someone to help it all make sense. But that may never happen. Because this may not be real.

[Rick(amateur)]

Hi Dbsworrier,

I certainly had moments where I question whether or not everything is real. It was the darkest moment in my life where I didn't feel I was living. It seemed more like I was merely existing which really meant my life had no meaning. At the time, I sought for help but no one was there to offer me any. My only solution at the time was taking my life and luckily I failed.

Oftentimes, people confuse attention seeker with those who need help. I had been told by complete strangers to kill myself when I talked about my problem. After my failed suicide attempt, I was more entertained than anything.

All I can say is we can only move forward in life. Our cries for help might not always be heard at first but, given enough time, you will find people who will hear it and can give you a hand. I know that, during the darkest moments of my life, someone offering a hand would have seen so amazing.

I'll try my best to keep up with this and hope your day improves.

[Dbsworrier]

25/06/2017


I woke up this morning feeling very depressed. Before I went to bed last night, I felt dreadful. As I closed up my window to go to bed I looked out at the ground below, and had a thought I haven't had in a while. A suicidal thought. I thought how I could just jump out the window, how it would have no consequence. I got away as fast as possible, as I thought my body would do it without me being able to control it. I so believed I wasn't real, that nothing mattered. I thought about how little control I had over myself. How the person I remember as being me is long gone.

I didn't get to sleep till very late last night, so woke up late. I thought about how I've had all this therapy, but somehow am worse. That is probably because I don't think I'm real; so can't be helped. I text Issi to say I couldn't meet up with her. I didn't want to get out of bed. My heart ached, I miss her so much though I think she is a projection like everything else in this world.

I didn't want to go anywhere, or see anyone. Ma was talking about doing something, I said no. I didn't want to speak to anyone all day, not even her, because I don't think she's real. She went out with Phil for a walk and said they were coming back together later to eat. Great, I have to sit there and pretend to be normal with another person who I don't think actually exists. I have to answer questions and talk to people who it seems pointless talking to.

Once Ma had gone out, I went in to the garden. I watered my plants and then decided to go for a walk on my own. I put my headphones on and just walked. I wanted to stay out forever on my own, but knew I had to go back home eventually. Maybe that's a good thing? Because I knew staying out might have consequences.

So when I got home was when the talking had to happen. Talking with people who are in a different world to me. I did it, well somebody did. I watched this person say stuff like things were much more normal than I felt they were. In their world I am someone who is just very depressed. In mine I am an alien watching a movie play out. I am still baffled how nobody seems to know about what is happening in my head, how I don't believe they are there. They continue on as if things are normal, when know they are not. I felt myself almost having a physical panic attack after these thoughts. I exited briefly not letting anybody know, because there's no point. These people are fiction.

I got through dinner and now am sat here watching myself type. Why am I not doing anything? Why am I sitting in the living room on the computer like there's nothing wrong? I don't think I'm real yet I am watching myself continue as normal. Is it because I am actually just watching someone else?

I do have fleeting moments of thinking, 'just get on with it'. It's not right , but you can power through this. However I am so out of control that these feelings are exactly that, fleeting. If I ever have a good feeling, I can't hold on to it for more than a short moment. Even if I feel like it would be an impossibility for bad feelings to return, they always do. I will just live in hope that even if the world isn't real; at least I will be able to accept that and somehow live in this fake world. Should have plenty of time alone tomorrow, so maybe the cycle will begin again and I will get some false hope. At the moment though, I only see it as false hope.

[Dbsworrier]

26/06/2017


I'm still fighting, what I'm fighting I'm not sure. Today has however been about that. Either fighting an illness or fighting against being in a fake world. Ultimately I'm just fighting confusion.

I woke up in a more determined state today. I felt peculiar, but I was determined to fix what was going on. I could accept it in that moment, so was going to do things to make that acceptance more apparent. I arranged early on that I was going to meet Issi and decided that I would travel up to hers in London. I was going to do it no matter what, and so I did.

I managed to keep this frame of mind from lunch, through the afternoon and before I knew it, I was on a train up to town. I was having strange thoughts all the way, but was largely able to counter think them with an explanation. One thing that was noticeably weird was how automatic changing direction when walking was. It was as if I had put the coordinates in the satnav and my body just took me there. I paid close attention to the muscles and parts of my body I thought I had to move in order to change direction and tried to explain it in that way.

When with Issi, I actually found myself having a good time. I tried to forget the fact that I believe I'm in a different world, or the idea that I am really unwell; yet nobody is doing anything about it so I must be unreal. I just got on with it, and for a time things did make a bit of sense.

I left Issi quite late and travelled home alone. Looking back at my journey now, it is still amazing to me how I am allowed to do this on my own, and can do this on my own despite the fact that I am either, a)in a complete fantasy universe or b)so unwell that I don't think I'm real.

Since I've been home, it's actually the worst I've felt all day. Things that I was able to put a positive spin on earlier, I am now unabe to do. I feel as if I have been living a lie once again. I feel the exact things I've mentioned above very intensely. Thinking about it now, I'm just seriously confused. Yet the pieces still aren't fitting together. I still don't understand how people are going about their business normally and not reacting differently to me. The fact that I don't know who I am or what I'm doing doesn't seem to affect this world at all. And so I reach the conclusion I always reach: This is not real. If it were real people would act differently, including me.

I'll try to bring that determination back, but I think it's going to be a struggle. It's always a struggle.

[Dbsworrier]

27/06/2017


I don't know what to think about today really. As I sit here now, I think about how scary it is knowing what a different person I've become. The person I was supposedly before wouldn't think twice about anything. The person I am now thinks about everything. Saying that today I've been thinking less, but not in what I would necessarily call a good way.

I've gone through the day like a ghost. Just moving from thing to thing. None of it seeming quite right, but getting on with it. I woke up extremely late, and had that usual feeling of not really wanting to get up. I realised there was nothing to eat for lunch, so went to the cornershop to get some. I then washed and went out to the bank in this world for my mother in this world. I walked for a bit and have pretty much lazed around the house since then.

The overriding feeling I get from today is how abnormal things seem. I feel like such a different person, so seeing myself do stuff that the old me would do scares me in itself. It is still like watching somebody else do things. Then when I speak to people, it doesn't feel right at all. Why am I speaking to someone who I don't believe is there? Why am I just putting up with being in a world that I don't think is real. Is it because I actually believe this world to be real? Or is it because I am just very very sick? But if I am that sick, why is nobody doing anything about it!

I had a weird feeling just a few minutes ago. It was a feeling I recognised as one that this old me would have. It scared me. The idea that I could have this feeling so all of a sudden. Like I could all of a sudden wake up from this nightmare. In itself, it made no sense, that I could maybe make sense of things again and so suddenly. It makes me wonder that if I ever do recover from whatever this is, I think I would want it to be a gradual process. So that I could begin to understand what has happened, and can make sense slowly of things that were so ****ed up before. The idea of recovery itself scares me. How stupid is that?

So I don't think I'm real, but I'm scared of the idea that one day I will think I'm real. I want to wake up from this nightmare, but don't want it to actually be a nightmare. If I am indeed ill, it feels like there is alot of questions to be answered. Surely this is not just about the world being an amazing place and the brain being an amazing thing. At the moment it feels like if that old person does suddenly turn up, it will be a 'where have I been for four months?' situation. That person is laying literally dormant, and I do mean literally. At the end of the day, I just want to understand what the hell is going on!

[Dbsworrier]

28/26/2017


Much like yesterday I have just been watching a guy doing stuff. When I ask myself the question, do I believe I'm in the real world?; I still can't say yes.

I got up at lunchtime. No surprise there. I had arranged the night before for Issi to come over for dinner tonight. Well I say 'I' did, it felt very literally like I was watching someone else do it without putting a thought in to it myself. It feels like I've stopped worrying too much about the fact I don't think I'm real, but now it's like I'm not thinking about anything at all. It literally feels like someone else without any thought and feeling is doing it. It's hard to explain.

So I had my lunch and leisurely showered, then went out to get some things for dinner. Again I was just an observer watching this person walk to the shops, pick things up, and head home. And I haven't got much to add for the day really. I cooked dinner, Issi came round, and we watched tv. I find it amazing that I am doing things with people I don't think are actually there. I'm astonished that I am just accepting being here in a fake world. I really just want to go home now, yet I don't have the motivation to find the answers.

I'm going to try and map things out concisely to see if I can reach a conclusion with my feelings. I don't think I'm real. I'm acting in this world out of necessity because there's nowhere else I can act. But I don't know if I believe this is real or not. Whatever the answer, this isn't the right way to be. Until tomorrow then.

[Dbsworrier]

29/06/2017


I have done absolutely f all today. But there is a reason for this. That being the way I have been feeling. I don't know whether this is progress or a descent into the abyss. Here's why.

I got woken up very early this morning (for me) by a stuffy nose and a throbbing headache. I lay there with a similar feeling to the one I had yesterday. A feeling I recognised as being the old me. Weirdly though, this scared me. I still felt not right, but this was a feeling as if I had disappeared for months and landed back on this earth. I looked at my fingers, I had a spot on my right index digit. This was a thing I used to get all the time, but not at all in the four months since I've believed I'm in the wrong world. The mere fact that I suddenly had one was proof to me that I hadn't been around for this time.

I went back to sleep and woke up at half 1. I went down to get lunch and from there on have had a number of different feelings today. One thing was how when I went to feel objects, I could touch them and interact with them, but they didn't feel real. That is something that has happened to me a number of times. To me it serves as proof that I'm not in the real world. It's like touching things in virtual reality. You can touch them, but nothing feels like it should do.

Another problem I've had today is the usual. Nobody seems to be reracting in the right way to me. Someone who doesn't know if they are actually here, and has no idea how he interacts with a world which he honestly can't say is real. Yet he does anyway. I've been over this a thousand times and I still can't tell myself what I actually believe which is a problem in itself. I don't know what I believe. That always tells me that something is seriously wrong. How can someone who isn't sure of what thought is right and what thought is wrong be normal? I don't know if this is real or if this is fantasy. Why would anyone not step in and sort this out? It remains a mystery to me.

I keep seeing the people who I recognise as those who have shaped my life, and keep telling myself to talk to them about all this. But then I wonder what the point is, because I honestly can't tell myself that these people are actually there so telling them would be like telling a brick wall. Plus I have evidence to back that up, with the way my mum reacted the last time I tried to tell her, 'I don't believe this is the real world, I want you to help and do something about it'. Maybe the reason she reacted the way she did is because she can't do anything, because she is a figment of my imagination? I keep trying to reassure myself its because the nature of all of this, is that I seem more normal than I actually am. But that theory never seems to stick with me, it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like a legit answer like a two plus two equals four.

I did briefly worry about my birthday coming up again today. I am dreading it. There's no point in physical presents because they wont feel right and I would view them as just a projection. I also can't associate with the person who has that birthday. So it wont be 'my' birthday.

One last thing I will say before I finish todays entry. It is as if week by week I am a completely different person. The guy I am this week is completely different to the guy I was last week, and the week before that etc. It's as if a person keeps dying and another pops up in his place. This is so ****ed up. Therapy again tomorrow (if this is real). It's amazing how fast time is going by. Time flies when you're having absolutely no fun at all.

[Dbsworrier]

30/06/2017


Ok so today. I'll try and do things chronologically. I can't really remember much about how I've felt, but I think that is because therapy gave me alot to think about. Let's see.

I got up at lunchtime when my mum got home from her half day. Her being around didn't really give me much time to think, which maybe is a good thing? I had lunch, and washed with great leisure as usual. We then went shopping at the supermarket. I observed how interesting it was that I was following this person around the shops who I don't believe is really there. If I didn't believe I was, surely I wouldn't get involved in these things. Anyway I'm trying to make myself conclude that this is all just confusion. When I think about how I might not be in the real world though, it comes on so strong. It's like the evidence for this being a fake world is overwhelming.

Anyway, after this and a coffee, I walked myself to the therapist. I've been very unmotivated today, and this included the idea of going to therapy. The notion that it was all a pointless endeavor has been strong. If the world I'm in isn't real; whats the point of going to therapy, to the shops, doing anything?

So I had the therapy session, and I talked alot. I didn't think about anything else apart from what the therapist and I said. It was glorious. What she said made alot of sense in the moment. I just hope that it does when I'm alone and in trouble and really need it. Projecting what I was feeling inside to the outside world was very liberating today. I just hope that I am able to share as much and make as much sense telling other people. This is what she suggested. I told Ma that I was going to share this very diary with her, and her response didn't exactly fill me with confidence to be honest. It's so hard to make people understand, I know they don't mean to be so flippant, but it's what puts me off saying anything. If they are so unmoved when I feel so terrible, surely this is evidence for this not being in the real world. In the real world my mother would move heaven and earth if i was in genuine trouble, which is what I feel. I can tell myself I'm just not showing it, but something just doesn't seem right about that.

So that is the bulk of the day. Things don't really add up to me still, but I'm gonna try and stay positive. Unfortunately I know what happens as the week goes on, I can never stay positive, and things always seem to sink back to the usual crapfest. Let's hope this time it's different.