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  #1  
Old 06-01-17, 01:38
in-love-but-im-lazy in-love-but-im-lazy is offline
 
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Unhappy Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

I'm very much stepping out of my comfort zone by posting this, but I need some reassuring words. This website has helped me immensely in the past, so I am hoping that someone can offer me some input.
I'm 17, and I have been dealing with anxiety on and off since I was 13. It was especially bad this spring; I came down with awful health anxiety and spent every day fearing I would drop dead of a heart attack, asthma attack, etc...I've since recovered (for the most part) and am seeing a therapist twice a month.
My issue is this: lately, I have been feeling empty, as if I have nothing to look forward to and there is no point in going forward with my life. I KNOW that this is not true as I am beginning to think about applying to college. For some reason, however, thoughts of the future do not excite me the way that they used to.
I've been having intrusive thoughts about suicide lately, which is why I'm posting this in the OCD forum. I don't have OCD, but I figure that this is the place to ask for advice regarding intrusive thoughts. I am certain that I do not want to kill myself, and I don't think that I would...or would I? It feels more like a FEAR of suicide than anything else. Is it possible to be afraid of suicide?
I think that my next step would be to bring this up with my therapist. But I'm not sure how. I always chicken out of describing the really troubling things going on inside my head. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been through something similar?
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  #2  
Old 06-01-17, 01:43
LiveAboveIt LiveAboveIt is offline
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

The answer is honestly incredibly simple, even though it doesn't feel simple in the moment. It feels incredibly chaotic and terrifying, but what you need to realize is that these are JUST THOUGHTS. They honestly don't mean anything. Sure, you don't want them and it's irritating and scary to be having morbid thoughts that you can't control and would rather do without.. It's the anxiety over these thoughts that keep them around. They are totally normal and are very typical of OCD and anxiety-related disorders. Ignore them, without wanting them gone and they will become less and less. The key to this is to NOT make your main goal to get rid of the thoughts, because the more you try to NOT think about something, the more you inevitably think about it. Realize that they are not you and they are just tricks of the mind brought on by stress hormones and adrenaline. You will find yourself returning to your natural state and this will not last forever, I promise you.

Hang in there and try to stay positive and not let the thoughts get to you. It gets easier overtime and they will go away eventually, they always do.
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  #3  
Old 07-01-17, 23:57
Dave1 Dave1 is offline
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

Maybe you could discuss with your therapist that you chicken out of being fully open with him or her.
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  #4  
Old 08-01-17, 14:50
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Deckard Deckard is offline
 
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

I can relate.
My issues are mostly Health Anxiety related as well, but I have been dealing with those kinds of intrusive thoughts as well. After my first ever real panic attack in December, my mild infrequent HA morphed into a full-blown fear of having various terminal illnesses. First I thought I had a heart condition, later on I was obsessing about a brain tumor and different neurological disorders. Then one day, while googling (I know...) I thought I found the cause for my distress (something benign and easily treatable). That was actually the first time Dr Google helped me relax. I felt instantly better. That feeling lasted for the rest of the day. Then, when I went to bed, it began: the intrusive thoughts about self-harm/suicide. Out of nowhere. For no logical reason.

Like the HA, I've had had (fleeting) thoughts like that before, but I was always able to snap myself out of them. The first time I remember was when crossing a bridge here in town. It has a low railing (bit more than hip height), and I thought, 'what if I lost control of my body and jumped'. I was so scared of the thought, I started moving as far away from the railing as possible (almost into traffic) and almost started to run to cross the bridge as quickly as possible. I forgot about that incident after a while. Recently (pre-panic attack) I had similar thoughts again, like looking at an Exacto knife lying on the table. I didn't feel comfortable having it there, again thinking that if I had a momentary lapse, I could cut myself. I even went so far and took the knife and put it in a drawer in a different room.

But back to now. This time the thoughts didn't disappear that easily. I eventually fell asleep, but as soon as I had woken up, the thoughts were back. I was a wreck that entire day. The next day, I couldn't take it anymore. I was overwhelmed with that unexplained sense of dread that I might do something stupid. I phoned the hospital if they had a psychiatrist on-call at their emergency room, they did, so I went. I had to wait for what seemed an eternity, but finally got seen by a psychiatrist. After telling her exactly what I was thinking, what I was feeling and so on (be honest, and don't withhold, those people are professionals and can only make an accurate diagnosis when knowing all the facts), she said I had OCD. I was surprised, since I thought I had an anxiety disorder. According to her, I do have that, but the root cause is obsessing about certain thoughts and ideas, which send me into spiral and make me anxious and at the worst create a panic attack. That was the reason why, after having felt better from my "illness", it didn't take long for my mind to focus on something else, just as gloomy, to ruminate about.

I tell you the same thing she told me, people with OCD and intrusive thoughts never act on them!

She prescribed me Sertraline (called Serlain here, I think it's called Zoloft in the USA) and Lorazepam (only while the Sertraline kicks in).

I have since moved on from intrusive thoughts about self-harm for the time being (back to HA land I am afraid). I forced myself to cross that bridge I was so afraid of though, just to prove to myself that I am in control.

BEWARE, I wouldn't recommend to anyone to confront his/her dark thoughts like that if you are not sure about your own mental state! I am only telling you my experience with intrusive thoughts. I am not a mental health professional and I would advise you to tell your therapist exactly what's going on in your mind, so he or she can assess the situation.


Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to deal with the thoughts while you are having them. I cannot seem to block them out, nor am I able to ignore them. There are people who say you just need to let them "be". I don't know what they mean by that... The only thing that calmed my down was company. When I was close to someone, I think I unconsciously assumed that that person would hold me back if I was about to do something unreasonable. Since I am single, nights where hell though, because I was all alone. I left the TV on all night, the voices calmed me down somewhat. I'm hoping when the Sertraline kicks in, it'll be easier when and if they come back.

Sorry for the long post, I tend to ramble on quite a bit....
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The whole world is a cage, if you're trapped in it alone.
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  #5  
Old 11-01-17, 11:29
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MyNameIsTerry MyNameIsTerry is online now
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deckard View Post
I can relate.
My issues are mostly Health Anxiety related as well, but I have been dealing with those kinds of intrusive thoughts as well. After my first ever real panic attack in December, my mild infrequent HA morphed into a full-blown fear of having various terminal illnesses. First I thought I had a heart condition, later on I was obsessing about a brain tumor and different neurological disorders. Then one day, while googling (I know...) I thought I found the cause for my distress (something benign and easily treatable). That was actually the first time Dr Google helped me relax. I felt instantly better. That feeling lasted for the rest of the day. Then, when I went to bed, it began: the intrusive thoughts about self-harm/suicide. Out of nowhere. For no logical reason.

Like the HA, I've had had (fleeting) thoughts like that before, but I was always able to snap myself out of them. The first time I remember was when crossing a bridge here in town. It has a low railing (bit more than hip height), and I thought, 'what if I lost control of my body and jumped'. I was so scared of the thought, I started moving as far away from the railing as possible (almost into traffic) and almost started to run to cross the bridge as quickly as possible. I forgot about that incident after a while. Recently (pre-panic attack) I had similar thoughts again, like looking at an Exacto knife lying on the table. I didn't feel comfortable having it there, again thinking that if I had a momentary lapse, I could cut myself. I even went so far and took the knife and put it in a drawer in a different room.

But back to now. This time the thoughts didn't disappear that easily. I eventually fell asleep, but as soon as I had woken up, the thoughts were back. I was a wreck that entire day. The next day, I couldn't take it anymore. I was overwhelmed with that unexplained sense of dread that I might do something stupid. I phoned the hospital if they had a psychiatrist on-call at their emergency room, they did, so I went. I had to wait for what seemed an eternity, but finally got seen by a psychiatrist. After telling her exactly what I was thinking, what I was feeling and so on (be honest, and don't withhold, those people are professionals and can only make an accurate diagnosis when knowing all the facts), she said I had OCD. I was surprised, since I thought I had an anxiety disorder. According to her, I do have that, but the root cause is obsessing about certain thoughts and ideas, which send me into spiral and make me anxious and at the worst create a panic attack. That was the reason why, after having felt better from my "illness", it didn't take long for my mind to focus on something else, just as gloomy, to ruminate about.

I tell you the same thing she told me, people with OCD and intrusive thoughts never act on them!

She prescribed me Sertraline (called Serlain here, I think it's called Zoloft in the USA) and Lorazepam (only while the Sertraline kicks in).

I have since moved on from intrusive thoughts about self-harm for the time being (back to HA land I am afraid). I forced myself to cross that bridge I was so afraid of though, just to prove to myself that I am in control.

BEWARE, I wouldn't recommend to anyone to confront his/her dark thoughts like that if you are not sure about your own mental state! I am only telling you my experience with intrusive thoughts. I am not a mental health professional and I would advise you to tell your therapist exactly what's going on in your mind, so he or she can assess the situation.


Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to deal with the thoughts while you are having them. I cannot seem to block them out, nor am I able to ignore them. There are people who say you just need to let them "be". I don't know what they mean by that... The only thing that calmed my down was company. When I was close to someone, I think I unconsciously assumed that that person would hold me back if I was about to do something unreasonable. Since I am single, nights where hell though, because I was all alone. I left the TV on all night, the voices calmed me down somewhat. I'm hoping when the Sertraline kicks in, it'll be easier when and if they come back.

Sorry for the long post, I tend to ramble on quite a bit....
OCD is one of the many types of anxiety disorders, it's not classed as outside of them.

HA isn't the name of any anxiety disorder, it's a sufferer's term that overlaps the real medical diagnostic terms of GAD, OCD and the Somatoform Disorders. Obviously, each of these 3 may have more specific names for the disorder based on characteristics fitting a subset.

So, perhaps your HA was just OCD anyway? Fear of contraction as opposed to thinking you have something errs more towards OCD (although this area is where it gets complicated so more for the professionals).
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  #6  
Old 11-01-17, 15:59
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Deckard Deckard is offline
 
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

Thanks MyNameIsTerry for the clarification. That's pretty much what I concluded after receiving the OCD diagnosis. Since I've never "properly" diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by a professional before that, I just assumed I suffered from anxiety, period.

In retrospect, OCD makes many thoughts and anxieties I had over the years easier to understand.

Regarding the fear of having something vs. being afraid of contracting something. I think both are related, at least for me they are. My thoughts often tend to focus on the past, and what I could have done differently, better. And if I think I have a disease, I think back and obsess about some behavior which could have increased my risk to contract that particular illness. For example, if I believe I have illness X, and I know substance Y increases the risk for X, I obsess about the amount of Y consumed recently. Which results in the anxiety about the possibility of having disease X and self-loathing for consuming substance Y. From that point on, I will have reservations about substance Y, linking it to disease X, as if it were the only reason for contracting said disease.

Am I making any sense here ...
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  #7  
Old 01-02-17, 21:53
Duchesskitty Duchesskitty is offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10
Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

Hello.
I can empathise with this. My OCD often manifests as a health anxiety and recently I keep having intrusive thoughts about self-harm and killing myself despite being desperately afraid of death and becoming terminally ill!
I get so afraid that I will die and then I have an intrusive thought about hurting myself which makes me feel frightened. I can't stop this cycle and every time I think of suicide, I feel horrified and angry at myself.
The only thing I can say which might be helpful is that as we are horrified by these thoughts, we're unlikely to follow them through. Stay strong.
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  #8  
Old 29-04-17, 20:07
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flyingalone flyingalone is offline
 
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

I have been through something very similar, so I do understand what it is like. It has to be one of the most difficult and stressful scenarios to be in with your head. Sending you lots of hugs
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  #9  
Old 08-05-17, 18:24
Arshi Arshi is offline
 
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Posts: 2
Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

I have been through it as well, especially when I am unable to keep up with my mom's expectations. But I muster up the courage and work even harder. And I would suggest the same to you as well. I know it's easier said that done, but think about your loved one when you feel like attempting suicide.
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  #10  
Old 09-05-17, 03:58
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AntsyVee AntsyVee is offline
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Re: Intrusive Thoughts About Suicide

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyNameIsTerry View Post
OCD is one of the many types of anxiety disorders, it's not classed as outside of them.

HA isn't the name of any anxiety disorder, it's a sufferer's term that overlaps the real medical diagnostic terms of GAD, OCD and the Somatoform Disorders. Obviously, each of these 3 may have more specific names for the disorder based on characteristics fitting a subset.

So, perhaps your HA was just OCD anyway? Fear of contraction as opposed to thinking you have something errs more towards OCD (although this area is where it gets complicated so more for the professionals).
And I would add to this, that some HA is caused by PTSD. A person experiences a loved one going through a medical crisis, and then becomes preoccupied or terrified of those health-related experiences that caused trauma.
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