GAD (I think) stemming from Relationship Anxiety

[Aurelius]

Hi all,

I've been with my wife for 10 years and we've been married for the last 4. She's never given me any reason not to trust her, but I've had trust issues in relationships for years so would often panic (trying not to show it) if she went on a night out without me.

After Christmas I noticed a guy she works with liking and commenting on a lot of her Instagram pictures. Never the ones with me in them though, and I got suspicious.

I'm ashamed to say that when it got too much for me I looked in her phone and lo and behold I found a load of private messages between them. I felt like my world had shattered. I was shaking, felt sick, my heart was pounding and it felt like my tongue doubled in size. (All coming back just typing this)

The worst of the messages mentioned her getting shivers (And that was OUR word!!!), while most of the other message were them confirming they were just friends. At the time I couldn't see past the fact they were clearly attracted to each other and I had this nagging feeling that they'd surely been having an affair.

I asked her to explain what had happened and we sat and discussed it all. She promises that nothing actually happened, but that after working very closely on a project together they almost kissed. That was apparently as far as it went, both pulling back before any contact and then freaking out/running off, wondering why it had happened. He then panicked as he's also married, and so the conversation started by him needing reassurance that they were still friends. My wife says that it was a total non-event, and that they've just had a professional relationship since. He's not a threat, and if she did want to be with him/do anything with him then she'd know we were over as she's just not that heartless. She wants to be with me, and he wants to be with his wife.

However, since seeing the messages I just can't stop thinking about it. As I say, she's never given me any reason to distrust her before, so I believe her (about 95%) but that bloody 5% doubt screams at me constantly, day and night.

What if they're still messaging and deleting messages as they go? What if they're going out for lunch together, or sneaking off after work, etc etc. My brain just won't shut it out (I overthink everything as it is) and for the last week I've barely slept, had swollen tongue, hot/cold sweats, nauseous feelings, heart palpitations and a constant urge to just break down and cry.


We're both committed to fixing the marriage, and in the week since I found the messages we've both made a huge effort. I know the issue is in my head and this is how I stumbled upon this forum. I thought it would be good for me to discuss my issues and find a way to overcome it all as I just can't bring myself to tell anyone I know offline.

I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression a few years ago when I was in a job I hated, but after a few counselling sessions I thought I was fine again.

I just feel like such an idiot for getting so worked up over a non-event, but it seems like this has brought everything back in spades and I can't cope. I just want to be normal again.

[Kuatir]

Even without mental health issues this is going to affect you. There will always be a "what if.." question there. So you are not an idiot for feeling this way. You don't want to lose her so this reaction is what I would expect.

Keep on working on fixing this. The "what ifs" will never go completely, but they can be quietened.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya Aurelius and welcome to NMP

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way

[SLA]

I just feel like such an idiot for getting so worked up over a non-event

You shouldn't feel like an idiot, and while she may say that it was a "non-event" there is enough there that has upset you. I think your reaction is perfectly justified to be honest, so don't beat yourself up.

If you've talked about it, and agreed to move on, then do just that.

At some point you just need to re-establish that trust, and make sure that your marriage stays strong. She obviously cares about your relationship to want to move on, so show you care too and move on as well.

[Bigboyuk]

Trust is essential in any relationship or for that matter friendship and to me anyway there always that doubt is the other person up to no good. I really hope you can both move on from this and carry on together Good luck

[Aurelius]

Thanks all. In a way I'm quite glad it all came out as there's clearly some deeper issues that would have stayed bottled up.