lost inside of me

[lilly-lou]

Does anybody else feel like their old self is lost inside of them? I have been thinking about this a lot the last couple of weeks, maybe its because I am so sick of existing and not living. I feel like "me" is trying so hard to get out but no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to climb to the surface and keep slippng back down the ladder into the black hole I have spent so many years living in.

I dream of getting on a plane and travelling, something which I used to do with no problems, seeing new places and meeting new people without the fear of "what if" that has held me back for so long. My desire to do new things and being too afraid because of the anxiety hurts so much, I am confused, sad, lonely, frustrated with it. I wish I could find that magic wand we all are so desperate to find.

I can find a sort of peace with the way I am feeling by coming here and reading about other people who feel the same way as I do because for the first time in my life I don't feel so alone with feeling this way, and I have had more words of encouragement and support from this community than I ever have had in my whole life.

I would like to thank everybody who has took the time to read my posts and reply to them, I owe you all a lot.

Hugs to you all


lilly-lou

[thevoicewithinme]

Yes I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel that your old self is lost inside of you. I have been given so many weird looks, when I have tried to explain to people that the real me, the person I want to be, is stuck inside and can't get out...and I feel that she is slowly suffocating and if she can't get out soon...then she will be gone forever...the real me will die and I shall continue to exist day to day but not live.

I too, like you have found so much comfort from finding this site, knowing that there are other people out there like me and that I am not completely alone.

Lily, I can also relate to how you feel about not being able to plan things...and having to rely on other people (I read your post yesterday but sorry wasnt up to replying) and then when they let you down..you think what's the point?? More so when you are relying on that person to come do something with you, and you know the end result will be something that benefits your kids...because when they let you down...you then feel like a failure (which you aren't...you are an excellent mum) because the kids have been let down too.

Like you Lily, I so wish there was a magic wand.

Kaz x

[lilly-lou]

Hi Kaz,

I have tried to explane this to others too and they all think I'm raving mad but yes I do feel like if I don't let the real me thats inside out she will be gone for ever. I can't understand why I get treated so s***** by all around me especially my family which leave me thinking if I can't trust my own family to care about me why should anybody else which only leads me down the road of self destruction emotionally that is all too familiar at the moment.

I watch the world pass me by and I feel if I did vanish, who would miss me. I feel like a burden on my hubby and my kids, this is such a lonely thing to suffer with and it plays tricks on your emotions, I would not wish it on my worst enemy!

I so want to live again but how do I find the courage and gain the confidence to do this when I think so little of myself. I have not taken meds in 6 years but I am really considering going back on them, I am so scared of taking them as I had a realy bad reaction to one ( wont say which one as I don't want to frighten anybody elsa taking it ) but the side effects have got to be better than what I have at the moment

lilly-lou

[sheba2]

Hi lilly lou

I thought long and hard about replying to your post. The reason being that this really struck a chord with me and I can totally relate to how you feel cos I have spent many years longing for the 'old me' to return. I look at photos of how I was 10 years ago and it is like looking at a different person. And while thinking about your post a new thought hit me. All this looking back and longing for what has gone is a very negative way to spend our time. We are not that person anymore we may not like the way we have become but things have changed and we are never going to return to how we were in the past. Now before that thought makes us panic try looking at this. Every moment is a new one and we can do something to improve our life and ourselves any time we choose. Situations arise and we deal with them sometimes well and sometimes not so good but we always have a choice. We can let the bad things affect us or we can choose to learn from them and move on. This may sound very simplistic and I haven't really expressed myself very well but what I am trying to say is that we can't change what has gone before and we will never be that person who we were in our past but we can be better than that. We now have an experience of life (even though it is unpleasant) and we can accept it and move forward. We can pass our experience onto others and hopefully help them move forward too.

In the early days of recovery we may need some help either through medication or counselling or just support from others. We are lucky on this site that we have found a place to talk about our problems and get advice but we can also help others and that is a great feeling. I feel really sorry for the people who are suffering anxiety etc who don't know about this site and are struggling. I think it is very important to try and tell yourself positive things don't keep looking back and thinking the good days are not going to come again they really will and this experience will make them better and you will appreciate them more. I wish you well.

By the way like you I had a bad experience on meds so have done without them for the past four years. It is tough but counselling has really helped me.

[JoT]

Hi lilly-lou

I know exactly how you feel, I miss the 'me' that I was before I started with all this anxiety again. The 'me' who would go out without feeling frightened, the 'me' who loved to chat with friends and was not scared of collapsing in front of people, the 'me' who loved to take my children places. I feel really guilty, like I am not a proper mum. Daddy is being mummy and daddy right now :(

I have only been suffering with this particular bout of it for around a month. So that 'me' was not so long ago. I go through this once every couple of years it seems, and usually something triggers it, but I have no idea why this time.

I was scared the feelings wouldn't go away this time and I would be like this for ever, but I am on day 11 of fluoxetine now and I am starting to feel more like 'myself' again.

I can totally understand why you are scared to go back on the meds if you had a bad reaction but chances are that if you try another type you will be fine.

I felt pretty awful for the first week on mine but I think it is worth riding that storm to get your quality of life back again. Fluoxetine helped me so much when I went through this a couple of years ago, I am pretty confident they will do the same for me again.

Good luck lilly-lou

[lilly-lou]

I just want to get up in the morning and the day not be an uphill battle, to go to the shops and not feel the dread and wave of anxiety that engulfs me and makes me run back to the safety of my car, to go for walks without fear that I will pass out and make a complete fool of myself. I have chosen to take steps towards improving my life and in a lot of ways have suceeded in doing this, I have come a long way from the person who couldn't even make it to her back gate or even drive the car around my old estate but I want so much more but don't know how to achieve this, its like I have had a taste of what it is like to live again but don't know how to get another sample. I don't really think I will ever be the person I used to be but I will settle for ok.

[marie1974]

hi lilly i can relate to u as i have felt this way in the past, first of all if u can manage without meds then that would be great cos all they do us mask over our problems we are not actually dealing with them. i was on then years back for depression but after few years decided the i needed to come off them and im my experience my saviour was exercise. it was hard with 2 toddlers around me but i put on my dvds and vids and every day i did something for between half hour to an hour and once i felt alittle more confident i started going out for long walks, i know this would be hard for u but u could work towards it. now 7 years on i still brisk walk for an hour every day in morning and it sets me up for the day. it got rid of my bad thoughts and depression and made me motivated, happier, positve and much more energy i also lost my baby weight. sometimes if i have a bad day i exercise through it and get angry and after i finished i feel much better. it would take alittle while for the exercise to start working as u will feel knackered to start with and having kids to contend with also it sounds a nightmare but it honestly works. now i look at everything in a positive way and i have made lots of changes to my life got rid of people who were causing me stress and i moved too. i can understand about your parents cos my family the same the y never pay me any attention or are interested in what i do or listen to me, the only reason i am in contact is cos of my kids, its caused me years of built up misery anger and upset and only now through CBT i am able to deal with it. i cant hug my parents at all or show them any love cos they never have me and i have such deep hurt and anger. i dont say anything to them to avoid further rejection and cause more trouble and the times i have said something dad will tell me to stop it and think of mum cos i will make her ill, but wot about me hey. i am debating whether to tell them exactly how i feel or whether to keep quiet to save arguements but i know at some point it will prob all come out anyway cos its been brewing for so long. my auntie let me down too i was close to her and she married an controlling mentally abusive man and told me to get over it and move on, she asked me for help i tryed to help her and ended up getting hurt so now we not close. then my nan who was like my 2nd mum died of cancer 3 yrs back and i still struggle but i think of all the good things with her. so u can see i dont trust very easy and deal with most stuff on my own. my family just cause me stress all the time so i dont see them much. if u need a friend u can pm me anytime lilly cos i know how hard life is and especially when u feel u cant trust easy xxx

[lilly-lou]

My family are not close at all, we hardly ever speak to each other and never visit. When I had my youngest two sons nobody even visited me in hospital even though they knew that a hospital stay would be very traumatic and anxiety provoking, even when my youngest son was in special care they didn't bother knowing that I would be beside myself given I had a baby son who died 13 yrs ago. I never heard the words " I love you " when I was growing up, I make sure I tell my kids all the time so they don't feel like they weren't wanted. I have never felt good enough for anybody and think my hubby is only with me for the kids and because he pittys me, he doesn't tell me that he loves me which makes me feel really insecure, I have felt unloved all my life and alone, I don't know why I let it bother me so much as I should be an expert at it by now, all I know is that things have got to change because the life I lead is not the one I want to live and I guess I am the only person who can change that but it is so difficult when my confidence is on the floor and I have very little help to overcome it. I do try to be positive but each time I get up with good intentions something happens and the bubble is burst.

[marie1974]

hiya hun i have pm'd u but if u are trully not happy u can change things and sometimes we need to get rid of the things that are making us feel so bad and try and make your life more postive, i know its real hard and east to say but u can do it. we only live once and i think i am not gonna sit anymore wasting my life and feeling sad so thats why i got rid of somepeople in my life who were making me this way and i thinki need to do this with my parents cos i am filled with so much anger and hurt. at the end of the day u know u are a good mum and always there for your kids and always and u are entitled to have a life for u too and not feel so sad so i hope u manage to have that for u. im so sorry about your baby that must have been so awful and sad for u and my parents were not at hospital when i had my daughter although they r 1 and half hours away it took a week until my mum came to stay for 3 days my friend had to look after my boys and my mum sent them a thanku card explaining why they couldnt be there, wot rubbish it was down to there own guilt.

[lilly-lou]

Yes donna you are right, I have done a lot of soul searching the last few days and I agree that sometimes you do have to get rid of people in your life who make you feel worse, I stopped all contact with my inlaws 6 yrs ago as they make me feel small but the last 6 months or so they are back in our lives, I wont go into what they done as it will take too long but lets just say they are a******** with money who think they can treat poeple any way they want because of it and since our lives have been dominated by them ( my father in law is a control freak ) I have gone worse,he hates me because I wont " do as I am told " I have told my hubby I am not going back to the life where he dictated to us but things have slowly started to be like that, even my hubby's old ways of a can of beer in his hand watching tv have crept back in. I am not going back to the way things used to be and if my hubby doesn't stop the behaviour it will be the end of us, I don't want to tell him he can't see his parents but them being in our lives is a really bad idea and my hubbys attitude is so much nicer when he away from his father.

I think today is a day for me to be on my soap box and get things off my chest, maybe if I do I can start to come to terms with my past and move forward with my future