I've been struggling with this for about 9 months or so. I used to have an issue with being aware of my breathing 24/7 that drove me crazy. It was never a fear of actually breathing, obviously, it was a fear of being stuck thinking about it/controlling it. The hyperawareness of my breathing made it feel very foreign and labored.
This obsession has since been replaced with thinking, or being overly aware of my thoughts. Being constantly aware of my thoughts has made me feel disconnected from them. I notice them popping in much more than I used to, which is something you don't ordinarily notice because you arent monitoring your thoughts.
Its causing severe distress and panic, the fact that I cant just go back to autopilot and enjoy life, instead Im stuck monitoring my thoughts and the way I feel even though I don't want to.
To top it all off it feels like my nervous system is all screwed up because I struggle with random bouts of panic and just feeling very alone and spaced out. I dont know if its the abundance of adrenaline and stress hormones, but my thinking feels all screwed up and I cant seem to stop the panic regardless of how much I attempt to talk myself through it and reassure myself that Im alright.
I hate how the anxiety affects my mind and way of thinking.. It feels like the anxiety/panic triggers this state and causes my thoughts to go haywire and I cant seem to convince myself that I am fine and that nothing is wrong with my brain.
Im already taking .5mg Klonopin once daily and 50mg Pristiq, so I don't really know what more I can do with the meds route, they just don't seem to do much for me.
The only time I ever find a little bit of solace from it is when I'm at work and my mind isn't idle enough to really think about it. This anxiety has stripped away my ability to relax or enjoy my free time, I'm slowly losing my will to live because it just doesnt get any easier. I may have a few days here and there where it's easier to control or manage, but it doesnt make these hell ish days any easier.
Just feels like I'm constantly trapped in a prison of my own mind with constant obsessive intrusive thoughts that I don't want. If I could just forget about this way of thinking or these thoughts, I would be so much better.
I also feel like Ive developed this Nihilistic way of thinking, like nothing matters because Im just trapped in this constant whirlwind of severe anxiety and DP/DR. I hate all of this. I can remember how carefree and confident I used to be in myself. Now Im just constantly in a panic, unsure of anything with my mind going crazy. I'm tired of being aware of my thoughts and being anxious about it. I dont understand why I can't just use this rationality and decide not to be anxious about it anymore, but it just feels like I have no control anymore.
My mind just does what it wants, I fall into a panic for no reason and there just doesnt seem to be any rhyme or reason. Can't help but worry that something is wrong with me.
Any advice?