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Thread: My daily diary.

  1. #41
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    Re: My daily diary.

    16/07/2017 and 17/07/2017


    So I guess you can call the last two days better. I had to do something, anything about the way I felt on Saturday; and so I did.

    So I summoned up the courage to takl to my mum yesterday morning. I told her the night before to please talk to me in the morning, and so she made a point of doing so before anything else. I asked her the question, 'why do you react the way you do when I tell you I don't BELIEVE I'm real?' And in so many words she told me it's because she didn't believe I believed that and that I don't outwardly appear like I believe that. I half had to put the words in her mouth, but the answer was somewhat satisfactory to me. It didn't feel like a massive relief to me like I thought it would, I think partly for that reason. But it was enough for me to at least get on with doing something and put some positive ideas in my head.

    She went out at lunch. I watched the grand prix and made sure to tell Issi that I was coming to hers to see her. So at 4pm, I packed up a bag and just went for it. I got on the train, took the bus and met her. I was chatty and thought about things as little as I possibly could. We had a nice evening, and it did help with things a bit. I was very twitchy on the way home. My stomach was going like crazy, I just had such an urge to puff it out in several different places. It was very uncomfortable.

    Today I have been thinking slightly more positively. I did the same old getting up late routine and didn't go out until Ma got home. We walked to the shops and I was chatting to her quite confidently, again trying not to think too much. On the way back we were talking about some old memories from my childhood, and that did help me to reconnect some puzzle pieces slightly. The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful.

    So yet again that cycle continues. It's amazing what a different person I am when I'm having a really bad time, to the one I am when I can actually see some positives. It is like there are two different people. Who knows what personality I will have tomorrow, and then the day after that. Well as always, here's hoping.

  2. #42
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    Re: My daily diary.

    Here's my latest entry. Haven't done one in a few days. As always, please do post if you can relate to anything I'm saying, or have any advice or comments, or just kind words of support!


    22/07/2017


    It's the end of July. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. It is like I've not been here. I've lost a huge chunk out of my life. I'm still trying to get it back, if I indeed ever was! I haven't written for a sizable chunk of days. I've been doing a bit more, and haven't really had the inclination. I'll try to sum up the last few days.

    So I have made some small changes. I've been going out a tiny bit more and trying to engage more with people. I think the medication I'm taking may have helped with this as I'm finding it alot easier to suppress some of the old thoughts I had. Though to be honest they are still in the background.

    I traveled to Issi's twice in the week and did notice some improvement when talking to her, and was able to find some connection. The journeys were the worst part, as that is when the questioning of things happened the most along with the twitching. The last time I went, I did notice some breathing difficulties on the journey there, but they actually seemed to disappear when I saw Issi. I hope going forward, I can get more and more confident going to different places, and be able to make sense of more things.

    For the rest of the week, I have been going for gentle bike rides on most days. I do wonder how I am controlling the bike, and it does seem automatic at times; but I'm hoping that will be another thing that I can eventually make sense of as I do it more and more. I am still getting up very very late. I can wake up in the morning at earlyish times, but end up still feeling very tired and unable to get up. So I end up going back to sleep and not getting out of bed until about 1:30pm. I do wonder if this is why the weeks seem to go so quickly, as the days I have are actually quite short.

    Today I was on my own as usual. So after lunch and washing, I went out for a walk and just decided to see where I would end up. I found a rambling route which was pretty well signposted, so decided to see how far along it I could get. I walked along rivers, through housing estates, fields, forests, by train tracks; it was nice to explore. I still of course don't feel fully connected, and those doubts that I was not actually there and this was all in my imagination were still there, which I'll address in the next paragraph. I eventually got tired ad so found the nearest tube station and began travelling back home. I had a coffee half way, and then got the bus the rest of the way. And that was today.

    Feelings wise, as I mentioned I'm still not convinced that I'm in the real world. I just go along with it. The thing that has been really bothering me since last night is an idea that maybe what I'm seeing in this world is just my imagination. I've been having very vivid dreams recently, and feel like if I could imagine those up, then surely I could imagine all the things that are supposedly in this 'real world' up. I've been struggling with how little control we seem to have over our bodies. The heart beating, the breathing, the blood flowing, the ways our eyes react to light: all of these things just don't seem possible to me. You can read all the scientific explanation you like to explain this, but I somehow don't believe it. It's like how the world I grew up in made sense, and I was happy with the explanations and felt like I was in control. But now in this world, it doesn't, it seems to complicated, it seems unbelievable, it just can't be true. It has led me to feel like an automaton. There is so much about me, about the body that I own; that I'm not in control of, and it has really brought up questions about how much free will I have. Why did I just accept this before? Why am I now looking at things differently? Is it because this isn't the actual world? It feel like I surely can not be fully in control. Maybe I don't have any control, maybe there is something else just controlling me. It is hard to get enjoyment out of life, when you feel like you are not the one controlling it. It feels like I'm just a computer or something. It's hard to put in to words.

    Following on from this, the idea that a medication can change the way I am is really bothering me. Surely this is not actually me then. It feels like you're being controlled by an outside influence. Surely this is evidence that I am not actually in control. Rather than be just a philosophical idea, this just seems to be a problem for me.

    And that's the last few days. Yes, you can say there have been improvements. But in many ways some things feel like a sideways step. Still hoping for a day when everything will just fall in to place. It's a long and complicated journey. It's so complex, yet I don't want it to be and feel like it shouldn't be. Until next time.

  3. #43
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    Re: My daily diary.

    26/07/2017


    So the last few days have been on a simmer. I feel like I am having wildly different feelings about things during the days. I can be ultra positive or ultra negative. It's very hard to know what I actually believe still, which is my main point of contention.

    Take yesterday for example. In the morning I went to have an ECG done on the request of the psychiatrist. I felt relatively human doing this. I was doing something that involved a physical thing happening to me, and felt like I could one day find a connection. In the afternoon, I went to black park with my mum. When starting to walk round, I got a very woozy head, and felt like my left arm didn't belong to me. I recovered from this, but then as we walked around more the thoughts that are my current obsession got to me.

    Basically these thoughts are to do with the way things function in the world and basically how they feel like they are magic. Now, I know magic to be an impossible thing; and now these things that before I never believed to be magic now seem like they are. For example the normal functions of my body. I am not controlling the way my heart beats, or the way my thoughts exit my head and go in to my mouth and are spoken. Therefore they can't be a real thing. It is explained by science, but now that science seems impossible. These processes seem as magical as the idea of clicking my fingers and making a rabbit appear in front of me. I've either lost brain cells or the world really isn't real, because I can't seem to work out what the difference between these two things is. Yet the me in the real world would have known why my body functions aren't magic, yet the idea of casting a spell would be. What the hell?

    It also got me thinking about supposedly every day things. Like infrared and radio signals. Surely these things aren't possible either. Yet I just accepted the idea of their existence before, yet now they totally don't make sense. So in that case, has this world never been real and I am just finding out?

    I am also still having feelings of saying things yet feeling no connection to them. I can't remember what it was, let's just say it was a book for example. Anyway I was chatting to Issi about this 'book', when I thought to myself why am I talking about this, when I don't belueve it's real and have no feelings towards things. Why would I talk about things that I don't believe are actually happening?

    I don't know if I have explained myself very well here, I always find everything very hard to put in to words. Which suddenly brings up another ting I remember. I think I've mentioned it before, but it has become more prominent again recently. When I say things, put sentences together, I seem to have n thoughts about doing it. If I want to put something in to words, I seem to magically be able to string a sentence together without thinking about the meaning of it or the individual words within. It seems amazing that things just come out in the supposedly right order and context.

    In positive moments, I can tell myself that this is all down to illness and I am trying to carry this attitude with me. At hard times though, it still just doesn't connect together. Things feel so weird and so impossible, it just can't be true. These are feelings that I, and nobody else could ever imagine happening. It's all very well and good people saying just carry on and ignore it. But what's the point of listening to people that may be a figment of my imagination, and if they are real they have no idea.

    That's the thing that has really annoyed me about my mum. I love her to pieces, but she keeps saying she DOES know how I feel because she has had anxiety problems before. But she doesn't, because she is not me and she is not struggling with the idea of her very existence. That is my main problem, and no matter how many people say it is just a symptom, at the same time they have to realise that it doesn't feel like that to me. I literally don't know if I am real or not. My mother, nor anybody else in my life can say this is a conundrum they have. She definitely hasn't had this otherwise she would have told me she could really relate to this 'symptom'. Again, I love my mum and she has many amazing qualities; I just wish she wouldn't react the way she does because it just makes things worse for me. It makes me feel that I'm not being listened to. I can't just get on with things, because even looking at her at times scares the shit out of me. Because I can't tell myself she is real and in the real world, that she is my real mother because there is this part of me that honestly thinks I have somehow transported somewhere else.

    I looked at some old photographs yesterday and that did help me to feel some connection. It stirred up some memories of the past and at times I could say that the little boy I saw was actually me.

    In conclusion, I do still find it amazing that if I was truly this ill; why the hell is nobody taking care of me in a hospital? How are people just allowed to walk the streets when they are clearly not functioning like everybody else? I may not appear that way, but when I tell them it certainly comes out. But then again, that's probably why. They simply don't believe me, they think what I tell them is all just words. Well I can tell you this, it's the only thing that is real to me. The doubt, the confusion, the not knowing what I believe, the questions, the struggle. It is scary, it is horrible. Looking now, I have highlighted the more negative points of the last few days when there are actually times I can talk myself in to positivity. Let's just hope the positivism is the one that stays.

  4. #44
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    Re: My daily diary.

    01/08/2017


    It's ****ing August. Wow, just wow. But dare I say it, I think the drugs are kicking in. Over the last few days I've thought a lot less. Of course in my head though, this does bring up some more complications.

    So since about last Thursday, I've actually started to organise a social life. I have arranged a couple of one on one meetings with friends, which I thought would introduce me gently. I feel quite able to do it. I think this is because the medication has actually suppressed my ability to worry so much and also my ability to think much full stop.

    A great example of this was yesterday. I traveled to visit Issi. As I was in the toilet of all places, a realisation hit me: I hadn't thought about the 'derealisation' for a good few hours. At the time, and at other times I've had like this during the week; it has felt like a great revelation. It is in these moments,like I have woken up, and for the first time in months am able to give myself logical explanations to everything that has gone on. It is not without it's own pitfalls though, and it has made me think a bit about other problems.

    Today hasn't been as great as yesterday. The aforementioned problems are something that is confusing me and for lack of a better phrase, muddling everything up. For one, I am very aware of how under the control of the medication I am. It is bringing up more problems about the idea of free will to me, and makes me think about how little control I may have ever had over myself. I am also often thinking about how suddenly different I can be from one day to another. Especially like from now, compared to maybe a month ago. It is like I'm a different person. Again this makes me think how influenced I am by something that does not occur naturally to me; the power of the pills! It leads to questions of, is this the real me? Or, is there something else controlling me? Am I just at the end of the day, a robot?

    One more issue that has been prominent to me is the idea that I seem to still have two personalities. The outer me, and the inner me. Yesterday the outer me pretty much took over. Then when the inner me came back today, it was quite disconcerting. It felt like a different person was thinking to the person that was talking. Literally like two different people, with two different opinions. I'm hoping that these two might combine, but who knows. There is a fear that the outer me may take over, and that inner me will disappear. It does almost scare me to let go of this person that has taken over my life for the last few months.

    I can't seem to be able to put much coherently, so I'll stop there for now. It's partly because I am distracted by a television programme, which I guess is a good thing! To conclude, I can see signs of improvement. At the moment though, it does seem mostly down to the drugs. I have had times today where I have not been sure whether I believe I am in the real world or not. But at times during the week, I have been able to find a reason for this and convince myself I am in the real world. Hopefully my next entry will be entirely positive. Until then...
    Last edited by Dbsworrier; 03-08-17 at 23:06.

  5. #45
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    Re: My daily diary.

    03/08/2017


    I'm writing today to get things off my chest. I find myself actually angry with the world. I just want to say a massive **** you to it.

    Yesterday started with the same sort of mood I have been in, ok but I could feel it slipping. I went out to meet Barry. This was the first time I went out specially to see someone socially apart from my family in months. I felt kind of like I couldn't breathe for much of it. I don't know why, I wasn't feeling particularly anxious for any of the meet, only because of this. This is a the sort of thing that is really starting to piss me off. The science just doesn't make sense, it feels like there is no reason for this. This leads me to my age old conclusion, this is all an illusion. All the science I was apparently taught is bullshit, it's not possible to have this kind of thing happen, it can't be.

    This is the kind of thing that has been swirling around my head recently. Maybe I was wrong to believe all of the things I have learnt. Maybe they simply aren't true. Too many coincidences or things that don't make sense keep happening to me. It's just too much for this to possibly be the real world. I surely can't make this stuff up in my head;like how I constantly see the same numbers all the time, how at least every day I'll see say a person mentioned who hasn't been in a long time and then that person will suddenly be mentioned a second time in a completely different conversation in that day. It is so frustrating. What am I supposed to believe when this stuff keeps happening.

    Following on from yesterday; that evening I could feel things not feeling quite right again. This morning I felt awful, I was obsessing how I noticed that over the whole time this had been going on, I hadn't had any spots in my nostrils. A peculiar thing I know, but I would get these very regularly prior to my 'breakdown' so I was convinced that I was somehow not in the same world and that I was not the same person who got this ailment. I carried on anyway and went to meet another friend for coffee. I sat there telling her about all that had happened, reciting what doctors and everyone else had told me was wrong like I believed it. But I can't say I do. It was like watching myself express the political opinions that were the exact opposite of my own. I was wondering whether she was part of my imagination. Like I had created her just like you would someone in a dream.

    I found myself talking automatically for the rest of this meet, not really thinking about what I was doing or saying. I eventually said my goodbyes and headed home. Things actually felt a bit better by earlier this evening. I had found myself in the safety of my home trying to put a positive spin on things. This is again like a slightly different person takes over at different times. Now as the evening draws on, I just feel angry and confused. I am thinking how impossible and untrue all science and explanations of how I am must be. It's not that the things that I've been taught are illogical. When they are broken down to me, they make perfect sense. I just feel like I now don't believe it. It would simply not be possible for it to be true because what I have experienced feels beyond science. I am not at all spiritual and this all seems like magic to me. Yet I know magic to not be true so what is this? And if there was a God, I'm sorry but I would give him or her a hearty **** you. Sure I've done things I'm not proud of. Sure I've lied, been mean, done things that would be frowned upon at times; but nothing to deserve this. I can say that you would have to be pretty ****ing despicable to deserve this and I am far from that.

    So I will continue on. I will probably go up and down and up and down and so on. The idea of suicide feels like a pointless option, because it would literally feel pointless. Killing myself in this world would not do anything. It will not wake me up and return me to my own world. It will not make me feel better. In fact I don't even think it is possible to do. I am trapped here; in this world, in this state and nobody can help me from this because to me it feels like only I exist.

    I feel very alone.

  6. #46
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    Re: My daily diary.

    19/08/2017


    I give up. Congratulations whatever you are, whoever you are. You win. I'm done with caring about you. Goodbye.

    From now on it's **** it. Weird unexplainable stuff is happening, something is not right. I am pretty convinced I am the only entity in existence full stop. No matter what anyone says or does, nobody knows me better than me, and this is ridiculous. And there is only me.

    So goodbye emotions, goodbye trying to make sense of things, goodbye thinking. I'm not putting up with you any longer. This doesn't mean to say that I am going anywhere. Killing myself would be pointless. Doing anything negative or indeed positive, would be pointless. I'm just going to watch and feel nothing towards anything. If something or someone wants to return me back to reality, fine. But for as long as the world and I are like this, I'm not going to do anything about it.

    I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of discussing. I am tired of complaining. I am tired of explaining. Nobody gets it, neither do I. As I said, I give up.

    Will this detriment my relationships, my living standards, people's opinion of me? Maybe. I just don't care anymore. This is no way to live and so I have just decided not to try. If it gets to the point where somebody else has to take over, fine. Because I'm not doing it. People can tell me all they want that I am the key to helping myself, but I'm not doing it. I don't want to, I'm done fighting.

    I'll communicate, I'll just be neutral. I will walk, talk, catch the bus if I need to. I'll eat, sleep, shit. I'll just do it with no thought or emotion. I will not think about science or religion, because neither makes sense to me anymore. My perspective is ruined along with my ability to be myself, so there is no point debating either matter. Either way one of them has ****ed me up. So I would just like to say to science, **** you; if you are the reason for this existence. And to God, **** you; if you exist. I've lost all faith in anything, and so I officially distance myself from any faith in either.

    I don't know if I'll ever write another diary entry, or ever look back at this. If it becomes part of the mundane life that I am now choosing to lead, fine. I am just going to float through 'life' now. I'm not going to care about anything. I used to want to be remembered, when I eventually die to have touched lives for my contributions. It is too late for that now. Now, I will just drift through and be one of the many who is forgotten. I'm fine with that, because I feel the world has forgotten me anyway.

    To my late father, I'm sorry. I know you told me I would grow up to be a great man, but I have failed. If by some miracle you can read this and want to help me get back on the right path, thank you. If not, that is fine; I'm just sorry I never fulfilled your premonition. Please understand that I am tired. I tried my best to fight my own emotions, and it didn't work. I know I didn't always try my best physically with some things, but I just couldn't because my brain wouldn't allow me. It may just be an excuse, I don't know. But I am deeply sorry I have let you down, so please forgive me.

    So here we go, off to go and live that mundanity. It is not goodbye cruel world, just hello new outlook. I am not going to be special. I am not going to care. And that is fine.

  7. #47

    Re: My daily diary.

    It's been a while since your last post, tell me - how are you? feeling better? I'm struggling with this nightmare right now, you had some exactly the same symptoms as I'm having now...:/ so it would be great to hear that yours just went away...
    This is me now, obsession about words and talking..HORRIBLE :( I feel like in a minte I'll forget language at all, won't be able to comunicate, write or read...:(
    Like you said " I think I've mentioned it before, but it has become more prominent again recently. When I say things, put sentences together, I seem to have n thoughts about doing it. If I want to put something in to words, I seem to magically be able to string a sentence together without thinking about the meaning of it or the individual words within. It seems amazing that things just come out in the supposedly right order and context."
    Did it go away?

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