I have GAD, Health Anxiety and Agoraphobia pretty badly and have had for about two and a half years now. The main trigger for my anxiety is the fear of fainting. I honestly believe that my anxiety problems wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have this fear. I get a symptom that makes me believe I'm about to pass out then end up going into panic mode until I eventually calm down. Sometimes the symptoms just randomly appear but other times I'll be in a stressful scenario that then produces anxiety symptoms which are then made worse as I start to think about fainting. It's not completely irrational though as I did have a traumatic experience with fainting a few years ago which I shall tell you about soon. I must make it clear that my intention for this post is NOT to freak anyone out or anything like that of course (Do read with caution though) it is simply to share my story on an event that really shook me up. I never really speak about this so I feel like writing it down to be witnessed by other people may help lift some weight off if you know what I mean? Perhaps there are others out there that have been through a similar experience? This is a long read as there's a lot of backstory so get comfortable! Right, onto what happened.....

So I was going through a rough patch in life, no money whatsoever for about a month. I was living off of food stamps for a while but at some point the place I was collecting the stamps from ran out and at the time I didn't know there were other places I could collect them from. At the time all I had left in my freezer was a bag of oven chips left over from my previous food shop....that was it. I had asked some people I knew if they could be so kind to lend me some money so that I could buy some food but everyone made excuses like 'I'm skint' and 'I just don't have the money right now, sorry'. Anyway, fast forward three days. I'd been rationing the bag of chips, eating two meals a day. Of course, the meals were just a plate of chips and a glass of water. Eventually I ran out of chips and had a day where I didn't eat anything.

I had also been under a lot of stress for months leading up to this. I was wrongly arrested for being an accomplice in an assault and when the police realised this they let me go but on one condition, I give statements and testify against the actual criminals. I tried to refuse as the two guys that had done this were pretty dangerous and came from violent, well known families. The detective for the case pressed me hard and threatened to have me re arrested for the crime if I didn't cooperate. Obviously, nothing would of happened to me if he did try this as I hadn't done anything wrong but at the time I was so fried and scared from it all I believed him. I also don't trust the police or our criminal justice system one bit. The YMCA (the place that ruined my life) also threatened to evict me if I didn't help the police. The thought of facing up to a year in prison for something I didn't do was too much so, I made statements and eventually testified. The guys found out and I received death threats over the phone. One night two of them came to the YMCA with a getaway driver. They had knives and buzzed my best friends buzzer by accident. They were looking for me of course. My best friend and step brother were nearly stabbed that night as they both fought them off whilst I was blissfully unaware in bed. The police did nothing about this. That's how I ended up with Agoraphobia, I was to afraid to leave my house in case they found me. I suffered like this for two years and even now I look out for them when I'm out and about. I still have Agoraphobia but it's morphed into not going out in case I have a panic attack. Also, despite my testimony, they two scumbags were found not guilty....

Anyway! I had all that going on at the time as well. So after three days living on oven chips, a day eating nothing, having nothing to smoke, constantly flinching and locking my door at every car door I heard shut outside and every visitor I heard the other residents bring back I reached for the half full bottle of mead I'd kept under my sink (No booze allowed at the YMCA) for a few months and spent the night drinking it all. I felt great and eventually went to bed drunk and starving hungry.

I woke up at 6am feeling the most nauseous I'd ever felt in my life. I jumped up, turned the light on and went to my sink. I began gagging and retching but nothing came up, just a tiny bit of bile. The nausea wouldn't go away so I tried drinking some water so that I could at least throw that up. Nothing happened. My heart's racing at this point and then I become aware of this ice cold wave travel down my whole body over and over again. I start sweating, still retching, then I feel this extreme heaviness in my shoulders and arms. It felt like I had someone sitting on my shoulders. I'm in full panic mode now, stood at the sink I remember looking at myself in the mirror and seeing my vison go all tunnel like before going back to normal then doing it again. I felt my heart as I began to feel like I couldn't breath. No word of a lie it was beating so slowly, maybe once every three seconds. I then automatically switched out of panic mode and went Into this kind of survival mode. I hoped night staff would still be working in the office in the house next door (YMCA had two houses next to each other) I just remember thinking to myself that I MUST get help right now, I was in serious trouble. So I found my boxer shorts (I sleep naked) and tried to put them on. It took me about a minute to even do that as I had become extremely unsteady. Eventually I left my bedroom and walked to the front door and I remember slamming into the walls left and right as I just couldn't walk straight.

I get outside and it's pitch black, my vision is tunnelling still so I can't see a thing. I knew the office was just five metres to my left so I blindly began heading in that direction. My legs wanted to give way and I forgot about a small step that was outside. I ended up falling over and I remember seriously face planting something (still don't know what exactly that was) surprisingly it didn't hurt. I managed to get back up somehow and saw the office light was on just in front of me. I slumped my body up against the window and weakly slapped my hand against it a few times. I still had all the symptoms I've described so far, including the terrible nausea. Eventually the night staff came out looking scared as hell. I remember telling him to call a f***ing ambulance, my words were very slurred. He asked why and I remember telling him I felt sick.

Next thing I know I can hear myself making this awful straining sound and it looked like I was rushing backwards through a dark tunnel, I could also hear this almighty rushing sound. Then, I could see again. I was back outside my front door being held up from behind by the staff member. When he realised I had come to he let me go and took me into my room. I remember everything sounding so still and I felt so rejuvenated and fresh, It was weird. I was pacing around my room repeatedly asking what the f*ck just happened to me. Eventually he sat me on my bed and said he was going to get me some paper towels. Confused, I asked why and he said I was bleeding. I touched my face and looked at my hand, It was covered in blood, as was my face and chest. I had a deep laceration going through my left eyebrow. I guess I did that when I fell over the first time. He patched me up as best he could and told me I was lucky he was even on. Night staff normally leave at 5:30am and there's no one in till normal staff come in at 8:30. The doors were electronic and only the staffs keys could open the front doors when they locked at 10pm till 7am. No residents keys would work on the front doors at that time for security reasons. I didn't bring my key out with me when I stumbled outside. So this could of happened with no staff on, I would of been locked outside for hours or I would of had to try to wake another resident up so that they could let me back in from the inside. Imagine if that had happened and I'd hit my head badly? It's not even worth thinking about. I was lucky the staff member was still on, he should of left by then!

Later on I go to the doctors and tell them what happened. He couldn't give me an answer on why I passed out but said that I really should have gone to the hospital for the cut as it needed stitches, it was too late though as it had scabbed by then. I few days later I asked the night staff that was working that night what had happened to me. He said I just flooped against the window with my boxers around my ankles, covered in blood and slurring words about sickness etc. Then apparently I fainted and was out for about a minute before he decided to try and carry me back to my room. I woke up when he had dragged me back to my front door.

So that's the story of when I passed out. I have developed severe emetophobia because of this, I relive the experience when I feel sick and start gagging and retching. It's also why whenever I get any symptoms that remotely feel like the ones I had that night I end up freaking out, I'm terrified it will happen again. It's also why I developed safety behaviours like eating before going out etc in case it was caused by low blood sugars and I am extremely cautious when it comes to drinking now. I never got an answer as to why I passed out like that but I've heard things like alcohol poisoning, low blood sugar, low blood pressure and even that I may of gone into shock when I couldn't throw anything up and kept gagging. All I know is that it was horrific and that it's scarred me mentally and physically. To be honest, the only good thing that came of all this was that I got a cool looking eyebrow scar haha. What's creepy is that I had been wishing for a badass facial scar about a month before this (I'm weird I know lol) be careful what you wish for huh!!

Anyways, thank you soooo much if you read all of that, it means a lot for it to even be acknowledged. It wasn't easy writing this but I just felt like it was time to get it off my chest and talk about it a bit.