Daily Symptoms Struggle

[outsider]

New here, joined because I need advise.
I have recently started a new job, been here 6 weeks.
I left my previous job because it was a poisonous environment - the actual job I loved - but the people were nasty and it was like being in school. Everyone would slate each other and the girl I worked with directly was a nasty piece of work, always putting me down and making nasty comments. I grew to ignore it, but the last 3 months of that job I would cry on my drive home. Enough was enough, I didn't want to be belittled everyday of my life, so I found a new job. I was trying to remain strong.
my mother died 5 years ago and it hit me hard, I was put on anti depressants etc and didn't want to be that bullied person anymore (I was bullied throughout school - from start to finish - even at uni - because I didn't drink or listen to latest hits or fit in).
So my new job is a fresh start.
Well, not great. I am always being ignored or excluded - a girl started same time as me and she fit in straight away.
Again, I don't. I am studying Chemistry as a hobby on the side, and I prefer to listen to BBC Radio 3 over Radio 1, and this has sort of given them a skewed impression of me.
I find myself talking to thin air, being ignored when I make a comment or give an idea.
I had hoped that once everyone grew up, and left school, this sort of behaviour stopped.
I'm not a bad person, I am assertive (more so than before) but not OTT, I have come out of my shell. I have different tastes to someone of my age, so maybe it is that, and I don't want to change what I like or do for others. But it is hard, I find myself nearly in tears because I can't take it. If I try and ask a question, I don't even get eye contact, just completely blanked, like no one has asked a question. At lunch, everyone goes off and I don't get an invite.
This wouldn't bother me, but I am starting to feel like something is wrong with me and the symptoms have returned - aching chest, aching hands etc.
How can I deal with this?

[Oosh]

aaw, after that post, youre already my favourite person in that office !

If i worked in that office id probably only talk to you and would ignore everyone else !

There is nothing wrong with who you are. It just seems youre in the wrong environments.

Would you say you were introverted ?

Do you think if you were in an office with others like you that youd get on better with them and that theyd accept you more ?

[Carnation]

Hello Outsider,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. You sound like you maybe a bit sensitive and very unlucky with you work environment. I was also bullied at School and used to run away a lot. But, bullying can still happen in Adult life and at home. I have encountered that too. If you can't leave your place of work, I would try and build up your outside life, but choose things with the right sort of people in that field. I don't know or know what you like, but if your outside of work time life is better, you can then deal with the work stuff. And sometime you are better off being your own Boss, maybe you can look at some careers, where you are in charge of your destiny? This Site is very good for chatting to others like yourself, maybe they can give you some direction and just buck you up and give you that confidence that you need.

[ForeverTrying]

Hi there,

Do you have a boss or someone in HR that you could speak to about the way you are being ignored in work? You don't have to be best friends with your workmates or even sit and have endless conversations with them but you do deserve to be treated respectfully and listened to if you are asking something or suggesting something which is to do with work.

I just wonder if there is someone you can speak to about the impact this is having on you. I would try and speak to someone about the atmosphere, the people who are behaving this way may just think you are quiet and don't want to engage with them but even if that is the case, it's having an impact on you and it should be addressed.

My mum used to always say that good manners cost nothing. Your workmates might need someone to have a friendly word with them about acknowledging the fact that you are in the room. It's not fair when other people's behaviour has an impact on your health and wellbeing.

Above all else, carry on being you. The issue isn't yours, it's theirs. It's their loss if they don't want to be friendly with you as you sound like a really nice person. x

[outsider]

Thank you everyone for your replies.
Well, no HR in office, we are part of a bigger corporation and in our office everyday is about 6 of us! So not a big team at all.
I would say I am definitely different to others, my one true friend outside of work nicknamed me "Sherlock" because I don't enjoy overly social gatherings that feel forced and I do notice things about people that they might think they keep hidden - not sure if this puts people off? I never comment on it, but maybe I appear like I am analysing them? I also am slightly more intelligent than my peers, but I never make it obvious because I was bullied for it at school - being smart or having a passion isn't cool in my office, despite it being a work environment!! I don't show my emotions, maybe it makes me seem cold? I keep worrying that something is wrong with me.

I do enjoy socialising if I want to be there - I have grown out of my shell a lot, I want to make more friends! It's a big struggle though, because people seem to be put off with me :-(
I keep telling myself it's their issue if they want to be like school kids, but it still stings.

However, one girl in the office has made sort of an effort with me. Not sure if it's because she wants to or if she feels sorry for me as she hasn't acknowledged me before.

I think if I was around people more like me then I'd be happier, I have gone out and met people who are similar to me and it was fantastic - no one was judging - but this was in Wales and I live in London :-(

[Oosh]

Yeh it takes someone with a bit of maturity to befriend you and give you a bit of social proof. If you dont have that person you can become very isolated and it becomes very cold and painful.

If that one person is seen to be friends with you, you find the others wonder about you a bit more and test the water with the odd approach.
Then when they see youre quite normal they think "oh, he/she`s just quiet. He/she`s actually ok."

Thats what ive found. I think a lot of the animosity can start when they feel YOU dont like or want to try with THEM. They can actually feel like its you rejecting them ! That can happen because some people expect you to be all around them giving them attention and showing interest in making them your friend. (not saying thats the case with you)

Maybe they DO sense youre cleverer and so their response is "if we ignore your input you cant be cleverer than us".

Demand respect ! Demand to be heard. If someone ignores you verbalise it and make them feel uncomfortable.


"Sherlock" because I don't enjoy overly social gatherings that feel forced and I do notice things about people that they might think they keep hidden - not sure if this puts people off? I never comment on it, but maybe I appear like I am analysing them?

I love that. I do that too.

Dont fall into the typical introvert trap of wondering if there is something wrong with you.

I read two things on introversion this week and loved them both.

When I read something written by people ive never met that reveal things youve always observed yourself experiencing it makes me think "how did you know that ??? Thats a private thing ive observed me doing/feeling/thinking forEVER and ive never shared it with anyone and yet youve just described ME"

It makes me feel good about myself because i see that all of these things are down to a personality type and not because im rubbish/flawed/broken or less than others in some way. And if its a normal personality type youre born with its natural and normal and has as much value as anyone elses.

You can also see how in our culture it can be this personality type that stands out as slightly different and can be rejected, bullied leading to MORE feelings of inferiority.
If youre quiet, dont have a lot of friends around you in school you can become a target for bullying. But thats not because theres anything wrong with you.

What you are is QUALITY. Your personality traits are QUALITY.
The difficulties you experience are because of the personality type/nervous system you have and not because youre less than or have anything wrong with you.
I think you should go where youre happy and comfortable.

Or try and make that one alliance in the workplace so the group thaws on you a little bit.

Heres those links -

http://www.newreflectionscounseling....C_INTROVERSION

http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...-the-introvert

[Carnation]

Well said Oosh!

[jefferina]

Brilliant reply oosh x

[Oosh]

[outsider]

An update - the other new girl and I are getting on well, but I feel very uncomfortable when she out of the office and I am left with the other members of staff.
Not sure how best to integrate. I have tried joining in on conversation but still go unnoticed. When our new Manager asked about any ideas for the office, we all had to sit together and discuss. I suggested a wall planner to show who is where/out of office etc. Again, was completely ignored.
But then one of the not so nice members of staff suggested it when she was asked for her input (they went around individually) and she chose the wall planner option.
Needless to say, she was praised by everyone else, including tje ones who ignored me when I suggested it. No idea how my face looked - felt a mixture of hurt, and being seriously p*ssed off!! She even had the cheek to glance at me and blush.
Decided to be more forward, and to talk up more.
If I had known work was going to be as petty as school, I would have carried on studying -_-

---------- Post added at 17:25 ---------- Previous post was at 17:22 ----------

Love the reply Oosh, glad I'm not the only one!
Decided to perhaps go to hobby classes with my interests. Work group are going to yoga together (I wasn't invited - no surprise). Not really to fussed, doesn't interest me. I am sure it is another phase they are going through.
(They do various diets throughout the month - but never settle for one thing. I am certain that the yoga won't last)