I hate feeling this way

[twilight]

Im sure everyone who reads this will feel the same as the heading too so hugs to you all also.

I am sick of feeling the way I do and unable to relax and enjoy life. I feel I am purely existing than living.

Panic is taking over my life and preventing me from doing things which other people do without a second thought. I can no longer go out for a meal, I cant cope with being in public if its busy. I have written a lot of my background in my intro post so ill link it rather than post it all out again.

Every morning I am waking up filled with dread at the thought of the day ahead of me, even when there is nothing major to do. I get a very fast heart beat and sick and dizziness kicks in. I get very hot too and will need to go to the loo there and then, sometimes I am actually sick. I feel myself walking to work jelly legged and gagging. Once I am at work I am ok, it tails off but for some reason I am striken up until that point. Every day its the same. I must point out I am a carer for the elderly.

Now if I have something important on that day, for example I am learning to drive after my friend ringing up and booking it for me after trying to get me to do it for 2 years! I feel totally forced into it but I know I do need to learn as well not only for work but I have various health problems with my knees-will need a knee replacement in the next 15-20 years, im 29. Then I am just totally scared beyond belief and cant stop shaking and throwing up and going to the loo.

No one understands and thinks im just being daft. But to me its a real fear yet I dont know what of. My son asked me on saturday as I was on my way to london for a charity walk and im stood at the side of the road being sick I was so panicked and he said whats scaring you mum? and I replied I dont know. His answer was why are you scared of something you dont even know?? And yes to him and others it is THAT simple but to me its overwhelming.
I did just about make it to the walk but only after being very ill on the train and needing the loo every few mins. Mortifiying.

Ive read the article on panic attacks and it could of been written by myself. A month ago I was adament I had ms through constant shakes and twitchings, I had labyrithitus (vertigo) which knocked me sideways and I think made my anxiety worse. I am waking up in the night with leg cramps and hot sweats, I am always tired and just fed up of the thought of waking up to a new day with the same old feelings. Im sick of having a unhappy life and thinking this is it for the next 40 years upsets me deeply.

I am terrified of seeing my gp, who is a lovely lady but just the thought of sitting there and talking feels me with dread. I am scared it will affect my job and son admitting how I am feeling. I took my son to the school counsellor as he wasnt coping following the death of my step brother amongst his childhood with a nightmare of a dad. She suggested we both have PTSD and she helped him alot and Ive yet to face my demons. I feel I have let him down for not protecting him and he is my life and I feel I have failed him.

Sorry I cant anymore right now xx

[Baggie]

Hi twilight

Just wanted to send you a big hug . It sounds like you are dealing with so much and are trying so hard, so you should be proud of yourself.

I totally understand how it feels to wake up with that feeling of dread. I've felt that way too. You are not alone and I'm sure many others on NMP will agree that they've been there too.

Your GP sounds really lovely. Have you thought about asking her about counselling? I had counselling to help me deal with a difficult situation in my life that I was not moving on from and I'm glad that I saw it through. My GP put me on the right path there.

Also, well done learning to drive. The independence you will feel when you can take to the road is wonderful.

Take care. xx

[D_aisy]

Hi twilight
I know exactly what you mean people saying what have you got to be scared of? Your in your 20's you should be out partying, you should be able to go to the shops alone! The fact is I can't go to the village shop some days let alone go clubbing. I used to be afraid of nothing because nothing scared me, now everything scares me for absolutely nothing!
I want you to know that I totally understand how hard it is living with panic & fear but i've come to accept that this is me - I personally have learned to live my life in a way that is normal for ME, I spent so long trying to 'Fit in' with society when actually society works better for me - I find by having 24hr shops I can go when I want, If my friends want me we can go to a quiet pub or I can visit them for coffee. I tell everyone now - If its busy Im not coming out accept it! If I want to go to the shops at 10pm then I will as long as im comfortable I say boohoo to the 'Normal People' these days!! Anyway my point is you are not alone, everyone here is feeling similar / the same, we are always here to perk eachother up NMP is ace.
Can I also recommend a really good book that my GP gave me - It took me almost a yr to visit her & when I did turns out she is a panic specialist. The book has helped me no end this past month & I finally feel like i'm taking back some control. It covers anxiety, PTSD and panics among other things but I have found it a great starting point on my road to understanding myself again. http://www.humangivens.com/publicati...r-anxiety.html
Big hugs to you xx

[lizzie29]

Hi

Just wanted to also so, say you're not alone! I was thining only the other day about "existing rather than living". I sort of make it through the days longing for the weekend, whereas everyone around me just gets up without a thought about feeling scared.
I think it's hard for people to understand how we feel if they themselves haven't had anxiety, but people on here understand.
The fact that you're working is really good! To carry on with that despite your panic shows how strong you are. You should be proud of that, and also that you're looking after your son at the same time, and learning to drive - and the fact that you made it to the walk, you didn't give up!
It IS really hard, and I know that, but stay strong. See your GP - they will have heard it a hundred times before, so don't worry about that. I'm sure you'll feel relieved after - if you struggle to talk about it, maybe write it down and show them it? x

[twilight]

Thank you all xxx

I'm only working as I'm so scared to take time off and leave my clients that I don't, I'm even working 7 days a week most months as I hate the thought of someone else looking after them and also I'd rather keep busy than sit at home and face my reality of a very unhappy marriage :(

I'm really struggling today. I'm waking up at 3/4 am every night and have trouble going back off to sleep, I'm VERY restless and twitchy and anxious as I'm doing this yet I've no energy to do anything and the thought of doing anything outside scares me so I'm in acircle of thought and getting more and more stressed and frustrated, which I'm sure is making my twitching worse?!

I feel like I've got things crawling under my skin in my arms-maybe I should mention this in health forum? I keep dropping things and tripping over things and I'm seriously fed up of listening to myself moan :(

[Wilde67]

Hi there Twilight, I know what you are feeling at this moment, as I have only just recently started having panic attacks, I was at first having moments of anxiety, then out of the blue a few weeks ago I felt as if my whole body was going into overload, I had the shakes,muscles twitching, my skin felt like there were thousands of ants running all over and my heart seemed to be going ten to the dozen. It got that bad I had my husband phone an ambulance, I was in A+E for a fair few hours and they wanted to keep me in overnight to monitor me and do bloodtests but i started feeling better so I made the mistake of discharging myself, but the following day the panic attack seemed to increase and this time I let them to the tests and everything came back normal.
I was so embarrassed but was advised to see my local GP and when I did see my doctor I was amazed, how sensitive and supportive they were.
I was started off on diazepam 2mg and citalopam 20mg and also given an appointment for the clinic support. My doctor only had me on diazepam for 28 days, I started on 3 a day for a week then 2 a day for a week then 1 a day then none. I am still taking the citalopam 1 a day.
But I feel a lot better than what I was, I still have slight attacks now and then but not as bad, my worst time is at night. It might sound silly but I tend to sing happy songs e.g 'My favorite things' from sound of music in my mind or think of a happy time to help me relax, I have cut down on my caffiene intake by drinking either decaf tea or coffee or green tea.
Believe it or not I suffer with vertigo,tinnitus,epilepsy and anxiety. And now to top it off now I'm having panic attacks.
Its a lot to cope with especially when you got children and a job but trust me visit your GP and you will get some help.
Think positive and you will find things will start to get better.