Let me just say that I took every precaution that someone with health anxiety would take to prevent catching the flu. I washed my hands until they were raw and developed a rash, sprayed everything with lysol, used hand sanitizer, and ate red bell peppers and carrots to boost my immune system.
A few days ago, I started developing asthmatic wheezing in the mornings and at night. I attributed it to smoking. I've smoked for a number of years but I'm not a heavy smoker, 7-8 a day. Anyways, I get this bright idea of, HEY, I'm so sick of feeling this way, I'm going to quit smoking! I'm doing well day 1, until bronchitis sits in. I figure, ok, this is from quitting smoking, surely! Next day, I'm on my way to work, I start feeling dizzy, I have a massive headache, and the panic sets in. I'm dying... right?
I call in to work and go to the doctor. She diagnoses me with bacterial bronchitis. I'm tested for flu, it's negative. She prescribes a z pack, azityhromycin (antibiotic) and wants to give me an albuterol breathing treatment via a nebulizer. Yeah, uh, no thanks? I explain that I have an anxiety disorder and would rather not take the breathing treatment. She gets a little pissy and tries to convince me that the jitters won't last that long and that they're normal. Yeah, I believe you however those very jitters are enough to send an anxiety sufferer to the emergency room. NO THANKS.
So, I actually fill the prescription for the antibiotic. In all honesty, I don't really want to. I've read every single little thing in the past about this antibiotic which has always persuaded me to not take it, against everyone's better judgement, including my therapist at the time.
So, somehow I convince myself that you know, I really need this medicine. I don't feel well, and I need to break this terrible cycle of being afraid to take medicine. It's absolutely crazy I tell myself.
I take the two pills. I'm good. I eat something. I feel my chest turning warm. I actually taste the medicine going down. My pulse is like 115. It's usually low 70s .. CRAP. I start to cry because im proud of myself for taking the stupid medicine but I'm scared. I take my pulse and breathe every 30 seconds. Finally I decide to distract myself with the stupid game candy crush. I set a timer for 5 minutes. If my pulse isn't better in 5 minutes after playing candy crush then I will allow myself to freak out.
5 minutes and guess what? It's going down. Shortly after I get a call from my kids preschool saying they both have 101 fever and I must go pick them up. Ugh. Really??
I pull my big girl panties up and go pick them up and take them to their pediatrician. My son tests positive for flu strain b while my daughter does not. I'm told we probably all have it in my household. I call my doctor and let her know. We are all prescribed tamiflu.
ANOTHER medicine I have to convince myself to take??? Aaaaah!! This is literally an anxiety sufferer's worst frigging nightmare.
I get the medication. Thus far I'm feeling okay with the antibiotic. Nothing weird is occurring except for I feel starving and a lot of peeing. Before taking the tamiflu I do what every good anxiety sufferer does and I call my doctor twice to make sure that I can take both tamiflu and azityhromycin. I'm assured that yes I can.
Okay. My significant other watches me. I admit, I don't want to take it. I haven't read the side effects and I really shouldn't go down that rabbit hole because it always leads to me not taking medication. This is serious, the flu is actually killing people this year, healthy people! Yes, as an anxiety sufferer I've done my due diligence on this flu going around. What I fail to realize every time is that yes, while this flu is worse, deaths are publicized for media attention. People die of diseases every year and this year they just chose the flu to target. But anyhow, if I do have the flu, I should probably take this medicine since it'll help my body fight it.
He says, just take it. Millions of people take this and they are fine. It will make you feel better and even your 5 year olds are taking theirs. Something clicks... My 5 year olds are also taking this and they aren't complaining and yet I'm too scared to take it and I'm 33 years old. I feel stupid. I ask my significant other to read the side effects silently and to himself. I ask him if I need to eat with it. He says either/or and I take it.
I'm exhausted from running around all day. I lay down. Yes the tamiflu is making me dizzy and lightheaded. I close my eyes. I had trouble sleeping during the night. All the articles I had read of people dying with the flu was on my mind. I set my alarm to wake me up every hour to make sure that I was still breathing and alive. Like this would really help if I were dying; but as an anxiety sufferer, it's the little things, the little crunches that don't make a whole lot of logical sense but that make sense to your anxiety that sits there all day long watching what is happening. So while I don't know why this little act of setting my alarm made me feel more confident, I did it. After this happened 3 times I just stopped and decided to sleep. I was prescribed an albuterol inhaler earlier last year for sinus allergies. I never used it, not even once when I really could have benefited from it. Last night I swore if I started to wheeze with the bronchitis I would take it. Well, my anxiety won. I started my infamous Dr. Google bullcrap and googled how long albuterol jitteriness lasts and convinced myself not to use it. I propped up some pillows and slept.. and heard wheezing most of the night which reminded me of how illogical anxiety is and how it makes me feel like I'm an idiot and maybe I just deserve to be locked into a Looney bin and forced to actually live life without caring about if I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke every hour of my life. But I can't. I have children that I love and who need their mother and I actually love life when I'm not being irrational.
Next day, which is today, I take the tamiflu. Nothing huge happens. I then take my antibiotic. I start feeling light headed and literally work myself into a panic attack. I cry and well, distract myself and it goes away, as it ALWAYS does but this little factoid never convinces my subconscious. I feel dizzy yes, and I just realized that I haven't taken my sertraline (zoloft) is this why I'm feeling more anxiety today? Might this be contributing to my sense of lightheadedness?
In the back of my head is the constant, is it ok to take this with the other medication I'm on? I already took them yesterday and nothing happened so why am I so worried about it now?
I started feeling anxious again so I wanted to share this with anyone else who is suffering with anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, every day dealing with this, even when medicated, even when you try your hardest to combat it.
Of course I think the being sick part is making mine worse but thank you for reading and I hope this helps someone suffering from health anxiety. You're not crazy even though you feel like you are. Promise.
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ATB
I am a huge pharmaphobe. Handful of meds I’ll take, just because I’ve taken them before therefore I know how they’ll make me feel. You’re not alone!!!
