thinking too much

[dela]

Having a real old negative day today.. worried about many things.. ruminating.. I know about the rumination exercise but find it difficult to stop. It feels really in my face. Difficult to get out from under this stone. Keep trying to remember and remind myself of times when I have felt better.. seems a million miles away.

I feel really bored with this dep and anx. Feeling really punched about the head and twisted up in my gut. My legs feel really raw and hurt. I have a horrible metallic taste in my mouth… Breathing really laboured.. shoulders hurt, back is stiff but mostly my head.. fells trapped in a cycle.. probably the cycle of dep as mentioned elsewhere.

So hard on me, so hard on my wife (although she tells me she doesn’t see things distorted the way I do)

It’s just my system, my brain trying to protect me. (Could’ve fooled me!!!) From when I wake in the morning the rush starts. I do fall asleep at night but dread waking. Dread waking. Try to get as much ready the night before so I don’t get too stressed the morning after. Seem to be just existing like an animal, no goals, no ambitions that I can access at the moment.

Jaw is clenched. If I was surrounded by my family and friends, I know I would still feel isolated and alone. Don’t want people around me, crave people around me… help me to escape, break free from this godamm feeling. To stop ruminating, obsessing on this dep and anx. Float free.

I grew up terrified of water. Only learned to swim, very slowly about 10 years ago. Drowning feeling… swim towards the light, towards the light easily and effortlessly… float upwards, safely and effortlessly towards the surface, towards the light, the source… Rough at the surface, calm is on its way.. Float on my back for a while, rest my weary bones and muscles… breathe, slowly and steadily.. head feels light.. safe.

I cannot keep living in this limbo. Jumping between depression and attempted relaxation.. there must be more… Is there?

Thank you for your help

[Karen]

We all feel like this at times Dela and it then seems like all the bad days merge into one and it is difficult to remember or even think of times when we have felt better.

Do you keep a journal? This is a good way of being able to look at and remember the better days. Also rating your depression/anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10 can be helpful.

Stopping rumination is not easy but continuing with it doesn't actually help and makes things worse often. Try saying 'Stop' to yourself when you find yourself doing it and keep practising the stop ruminating exercise.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[dela]

Thank you karen

I don't keep a journal... Posting here is kind of a journal and nobody judges.