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Thread: HIV OCD ruining my life

  1. #1

    HIV OCD ruining my life

    I am a heterosexual, male who has never had unprotected sex. I have never used intravenous drugs. Yet I have been crippled by HIV OCD. I have had three tests in 12 months (all negative). Every time, I get convinced my doctor/pharmacist has infected me. One used a tissue to wipe my finger after the pin-prick test, and I was worrying over whether he had used that tissue on a previous patient (who was probably HIV+) and infected me with dried blood. Otherwise, I was convinced he used a test he’d used previously on a hiv+ patient (even though I’m sure I saw him open the packaging and it was brand-new and clean) and infected me by re-using the lancet thing. Right now, I’m sat here convinced a doctor/pharmacist has infected me. It’s a vicious cycle. I just don’t know what to do. My fear is unbelievable, but the testing never helps. I don’t know how or why it started, and why my OCD manifests in this way, but I’m really struggling and it is impacting how I want to live my life.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
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    127

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    Hey!

    Not sure if you have been diagnosed with OCD or not, but this is a condition I suffer from and know exactly what it's like. I've been telling my story on here as I think it shows how out of control OCD can get. I had been worried about stomach and esophageal cancer for the past 8 months or so and have had two endoscopes. I went for the second one because after a few weeks I doubted the first one. A few weeks had gone by and like always the test provides a temporary reassurance but it doesn't last. It doesn't last because my issue is mental health. Anyone without health anxiety would get a gold standard test (the endoscope is considered gold standard, same with the HIV tests), get the results, believe them and move on. It sounds like what you are doing is what I'm notorious for doing. I make up "stories" in my head that cause doubt and you've done the same. My husband introduced me to a theory called occam's razor and what it means is that the more assumptions you have to make, the more likely you are wrong. So is it more likely that the very trained doctor and pharmacist followed standard procedures, gave you an HIV test and it came back negative because you are in fact negative. Or is it simpler to assume that the person before you in the office was HIV positive, happened to be getting tested right before you, got infected blood on the Kleenex or test, the HIV was a special strain that didn't die with air, the pharmacist and doctor just didn't care and take precaution after seeing this positive HIV individual, decided to test you with the same used items, you contracted HIV but once again have a special strain that doesn't show on the tests.

    I know how easy it is to make up one of these stories and convince yourself it's the truth. I'm doing the same thing with stomach cancer right now. Instead of assuming that the results of the endoscope came back clear because there was nothing there, I make all these assumptions that a camera went down, the doctor missed a mass, the doctor missed inflammation, the doctor missed bleeding, the doctor took biopsies from the wrong spot and the biopsies were mis interpreted. When I sit and break it down, which is more likely?

    ---------- Post added at 12:18 ---------- Previous post was at 12:16 ----------

    One thing I forgot to add is that you need to stop going for tests. This is what I am currently working on and man is the urge ever hard!!!! We need to learn to cope without external reinforcement or this cycle will never end. You've been told everything is okay, so you need to believe and start challenging your anxiety on your own. No more tests

  3. #3

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    Thanks for the response. It is making my life miserable. How do I battle these worries? How do I stop myself from getting tests and become more rational? I’m not sure I can. My worries are so intense.

  4. #4
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    Mar 2017
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    127

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    I can totally relate. I'm sorry you are going through this. I am going through it too. I feel so desperate and want another endoscope but at the end of the day, why would the result change from the first few and how long would I feel reassured for. Part of fighting this battle is dealing with the anxiety now. It's not easy and often your anxiety will get higher since you are used to fighting the anxiety with reassurance. What I'm doing is developing a plan for when I get the urge for another test. I will write out all the contradictions, take a shower, go for a walk, literally anything that prevents me from going to the hospital for another test.

  5. #5

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    Quote Originally Posted by Caseyg89 View Post
    I can totally relate. I'm sorry you are going through this. I am going through it too. I feel so desperate and want another endoscope but at the end of the day, why would the result change from the first few and how long would I feel reassured for. Part of fighting this battle is dealing with the anxiety now. It's not easy and often your anxiety will get higher since you are used to fighting the anxiety with reassurance. What I'm doing is developing a plan for when I get the urge for another test. I will write out all the contradictions, take a shower, go for a walk, literally anything that prevents me from going to the hospital for another test.
    Thanks so much for the response again. It really does mean a lot to know there’s a whole community out there going through the exact same thing. My anxiety/OCD is strange. For an hour, i’ll Be fine, then randomly, I won’t be. It’s like having anxiety bipolar. I’m going to try and look for a CBT course and talk things through with counsellors. Thanks so much for the support today/tonight. I really do value it.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
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    94

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    Quote Originally Posted by Jdr93 View Post
    I am a heterosexual, male who has never had unprotected sex. I have never used intravenous drugs. Yet I have been crippled by HIV OCD. I have had three tests in 12 months (all negative). Every time, I get convinced my doctor/pharmacist has infected me. One used a tissue to wipe my finger after the pin-prick test, and I was worrying over whether he had used that tissue on a previous patient (who was probably HIV+) and infected me with dried blood. Otherwise, I was convinced he used a test he’d used previously on a hiv+ patient (even though I’m sure I saw him open the packaging and it was brand-new and clean) and infected me by re-using the lancet thing. Right now, I’m sat here convinced a doctor/pharmacist has infected me. It’s a vicious cycle. I just don’t know what to do. My fear is unbelievable, but the testing never helps. I don’t know how or why it started, and why my OCD manifests in this way, but I’m really struggling and it is impacting how I want to live my life.
    I am sure you need to be treated for ocd. As a testing counselor (volunteer job) i can tell first off even if someone mopped up a whole bunch of blood with a tissue that was hiv positive it would be dead. Hiv is dead within seconds when it hits the air. We dispose every piece of tissue or gauze that we use on a patient. Second scare the test are numbered , each on has to be accounted for and its impossible to use a test twice, numbers have to match the testing subjects intake form and they are sticky labels you peel off and they only come with one set. Now being that i too suffer fro ocd let me recommend Luvox you will be amazed what it will do for you, any questions please don’t hesitate to private msg me.
    Mikael

  7. #7

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    Thanks for the reply Mikael. It says a lot about my OCD that, even when you're there telling me that, my mind says "yeah, but what if...". I'll be going to see the doctor this week and see what medication we can use going forward. I've only ever been given beta blockers in the past and they aren't working for me.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Posts
    127

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    "What if" is a main part of OCD and health anxiety. Instead of focusing on "what if", focus on "what is".

    What is, is that you have had not engaged in high risk HIV behaviours, you have had multiple tests come back clear and that doctors know what they are doing.

    I am glad to see you are on here trying to work on strategies for the OCD. I am really struggling right now too.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
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    367

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    i had the HIV fear once, in fact it was my very first health fear. i lost my virginity and the condom broke and i was terrified for like 2 years before finally getting the nerve up to get tested. since then i've been tested numerous time's mostly to help my HA, however im no longer afraid that i have hiv. my advice to you is to get tested, i had blood work and the mouth swab test before its simple and easy and it will take a load off your mind. also HIV when treated is very manageable, left untreated it will get bad, so whether you have it or not its in your best interest to get tested so go for it.

  10. #10

    Re: HIV OCD ruining my life

    Quote Originally Posted by Thelegend27 View Post
    i had the HIV fear once, in fact it was my very first health fear. i lost my virginity and the condom broke and i was terrified for like 2 years before finally getting the nerve up to get tested. since then i've been tested numerous time's mostly to help my HA, however im no longer afraid that i have hiv. my advice to you is to get tested, i had blood work and the mouth swab test before its simple and easy and it will take a load off your mind. also HIV when treated is very manageable, left untreated it will get bad, so whether you have it or not its in your best interest to get tested so go for it.
    I’ve been tested three times though. Did you read my OP? Every time, I get anxious a nurse has infected me. And so the cycle continues.

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