so tired from all of this...

[ZebraStripes]

I' need a quick vent, hopefully this will help me feel better.

My anxiety has been crazy lately, I'm really worried about developing breast cancer after having cervical last year, I've got a really strong family history of it and my brain just wont let it go...

I can't sleep at night and I'm so tired that im agitated in the day which I know isn't fair on those around me and I hate knowing I'm being an ass just because I'm tired...

My depression is back with a vengeance and I wish I had more positivity. I'm stuck on remembering how my best friend didnt visit me in hospital last year, and how few of my family did... I can't get past the fact that it feels like no one would have cared if I'd died... that so few people took the time to come and see me when I was terrified I was going to end up dead or in chemo and radio... I wish my brain would let it drop, this is wearing me down and I'm having intrusive thoughts about doing stupid things...

[SADnomore]

Congratulations on beating the cancer, I would say the odds are in your favour at this point! ... Wondering what you think about sharing your felt lack of support with your doctor, maybe seeing about a referral to an outpatient social worker? Having some extra support in place might help you to feel less vulnerable. Nothing worse than being ill and alone; I have faced this in my own situation and am trying to ensure that even if it is relative strangers I will have some kind of support available to me.
Just a thought. And I'm sorry about your friend and some of your family, I know your pain. I hope you are able to get closer to the ones who did come, try spending more time with them and if the intrusive thoughts continue, best tell your doctor about them. Keep posting.
Marie xx

[ZebraStripes]

Thats for responding Marie. I know, I feel I should be happy now and when I'm not on a low it really irritates me that I let things get to me like I do... I haven't spoken to any doctors about it, I actually stopped my medication (which was only a low dose of citalopram for the anxiety) when I was discharged as I didn't want to risk taking it during pregnancy and thought it would be better to stop sooner so I wasn't feeling so dependant on it and flooded with hormones when the time comes. At the time I thought I would be looking at starting trying three months after leaving the hospital... as it turns out it'll be much longer than that but I don't want to mess my body about by going back on medication then coming off again a few months later.

I have been offered counselling but as I said no initially I'm not sure they'll let me take it up now... I suppose it can't hurt to ask though.

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling similarly to myself, theres nothing worse than feeling alone when you need support :(

I am much closer to the ones who did visit, I think I'm more bothered than I should be maybe? Though it didn't help that a cousin of mine told me he wished it had killed me over the internet, and that he wishes my whole cancer ridden family would just F**k off and die... In a way I know I'm better off out of it and not associating with them but it still hurts even though it shouldn't.

I'm trying hard to keep more positive today xx

[SADnomore]

Atta girl! xx
Marie
ps Good luck with baby when the time comes ... how exciting!

[ZebraStripes]

Just an update, I'm feeling very good today considering how low I was feeling the other day Trying to keep focussed on positive things like our upcoming move and I'm keeping busy writing a book which Is really helping keep my brain to busy to worry, and when I'm not worrying, I tend not to get too low

[SADnomore]

There you go, gf!
Me too, gotta get going on a project ...! What's the new place like?
Marie xx

[ZebraStripes]

we're moving into my fiancé's parents house for a few months until we have enough to get our first home The area is lovely though so I'm really excited, its right in the countryside. We're both looking at houses and finding places we like though and there are loads in the area for sale

whats your project? x

[SADnomore]

Oooohhh, wish it was as much fun! Unfortunately, it's just a lot of gleaning out of clutter, and slow packing. We have a summer place finally back in BC (where the weather is decent), and eventually will be moving back there when hubby retires. i joke that it will take me until then to get this house ready for sale and our move, but it likely will! Will be transferring boxes of photos and empty albums down this summer to work on of an evening. First I have to dung out around them under the bed, lol! ... Long walks in the country sound perfect for summer! And house hunting, my all-time favorite occupation! The packing and moving, not so much ... ha ha!
Marie xx

[MyNameIsTerry]

ZS - from what you have said, it sounds like some of them are selfish and well, vindictive in the case of that cousin. I really think you need to reconcile this and move on from it because it's happened, it can't be changed and you are faced with a choice of trying to get closer to them (although they could still be selfish like this if anything happened) or just remaining close to those who want to be with you and forgetting the rest.

Write it out in a helpful format to understand it, like Compassion Formulation.

http://media.psychologytools.org/Wor...ormulation.pdf

Friendly Formulation can be useful to write down about triggers, vulnerability and how you keep the problem going, what I've got going for me, etc.

http://media.psychologytools.org/Wor...ormulation.pdf

Forgiveness methods incase they are any help?

http://media.psychologytools.org/Wor...ss_Methods.pdf