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Thread: Can't deal with this anymore.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    818

    Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hey

    iIve started uni about a month ago now which i think i have mentioned but i'm still not coping at all and i dont know what to do anymore, no one seems to understand.

    I just can't seem to talk to anyone, its a nightmare coz i feel so alone and no matter how much i want to change i just can't. i seem to get home from college and just spend so much time in my room. it's turning into a nightmare.

    I mean i'm 22 years old and i have no life at all. i've never even had a boyfriend or had sex which is so sad and embarrassing and my family keep reminding me and calling me gay coz ive never had a boyfriend. and i hear my housemates talking about how weird i am. i just dont know what to do? i'm so scared and alone.

    Please reply
    Love Louise XX

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    78

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Aw Louise, sorry to hear you're feeling low xxx Dont forget you can always come here to vent and talk to people who do understand - well done you for going to uni I'd love to get back to studying again

    I was about 20 when my social anxiety and other anxiety's took over and remember feeling exactly like you - I'm 25 now and although not completely able to do stuff I feel that things have got alot better - I guess im saying that there defiantly is light at the end of the tunnel - these things can take time - try to keep faith!

    Is there anyone to talk to at uni like a counsellor? I've had private therapy sessions and have found so helpful just to talk to someone neutral and caring!

    For you not having a boyfriend or having had sex please dont think thats sad or embarrassing - Its not at all! there's many other girls out there who are the same! As for your family calling you names and teasing about it they seem to me like they have some sort of issues of their own to want to act cruelly like that. There's nothing wrong with your relationship status. the hardest but best thing for you to do is ignore their spiteful comments.

    wishing you all the best x
    __________________
    One day I'll be free!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    229

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hi Louise,

    My heart aches for you because I am in the same boat. I have never formed any female relationships. And the closest I came to having sex was a one night stand on holiday. But I was so terrified I could not perform so that doesn't really count. I could not approach or even make eye contact with a woman. And if any that I found attractive approached me I would go into panic and try to get away from them. My grandmother actually asked me once if I was an homosexual and I overheard her once tell a friend that I was a bit strange which just made me feel so depressed. It is such a lonely and soul destroying existence because all we want is to experience life with someone we can love and share our thoughts with. But thanks to our condition we do all the things that prevent this from happening and cocoon ourselves from the world. I am 41 today and have suffered from this since childhood but I believe I now understand and I am defeating this cruel affliction. But don't feel embarrassed by your behavior, it is your social anxiety that is responsible not you. And trust me that with a little help and determination you can overcome this dreadful illness. You have my greatest empathy and sympathy.

    Take care,

    John

    Social phobia sufferer
    Last edited by JohnLuke300; 03-10-09 at 22:17.
    __________________
    I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

    Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.
    From the book Dune by Frank Herbert

  4. #4

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hey,
    Not going to pretend that I have any particular advice for dealing with what you're going through, as it sounds kind of similar to things that I've yet to cope with and still struggle with in my own life, but on the offchance it might make you feel a tiny bit better to know that you're not alone...
    I started uni 3 years ago. I had a lot of trouble talking to people. I didn't go out. I didn't socialise. I just stayed in my room for the best part of six months! My housemates were nice, but I never really bonded with them at all, as on the few occasions when we went out together (fresher's week) I was too anxious to get to know them properly. I'm pretty sure they thought I was strange. It got to the stage where I would avoid cooking meals just so I wouldn't have to meet them in the kitchen, and endure the awkward feeling I got. Every time I left my room I would feel incredibly anxious.
    I feel like I kind of know what you mean about wanting to change but just not being able to. I remember being caught up in a situation like that, its very hard to look beyond it, or think that you can really be any different. It's easy to look back and think 'I could have done that' afterwards, but when you're actually there its different, and you just feel kind of powerless.
    Eventually it got to the stage where I felt I just couldn't go on anymore, and I decided to drop out. Luckily my family were very supportive, but I kind of regret not dealing with my issues at the time, as they've only got deeper since.
    I'm now (also) 22, and it still feels like I have no life, despite attempts I make every now and then to break out of my rut and meet people. Never had sex or a serious relationship, and I know it feels embarassing and is just another thing to get anxious about. Plus, I'm a bloke (not sure but think that's 'sposed to be more embarrassing?) I'm also living at home (how loserish is that?), and worrying about applying to return to uni again next year.
    Like I said, I haven't got any proper advice to give you. Hopefully what you're going through isn't as extreme and it will get easier as time goes on (think everyone feels pretty anxious at start of uni.) If it doesn't...well, like Star said, there's counselling. You definitely want to get someone on your side to support you, as it sucks to feel alone, and if your family don't understand then someone else to give you perspective and support might help. There's obviously a whole range of therapies and treatments to deal with social anxiety, if that's the problem - CBT, EMDR etc - which you could ask a counsellor about or read up on. But obviously you have to have the motivation to go through with them. I'm currently looking into something called 'autogenic training', which is supposed to help calm anxiety through training the body with breathing techniques.
    I suppose one short term bit of advice I might give you, which kind of works for me sometimes, is to try shifting your focus away from yourself and onto your environment. Instead of allowing your anxieties and worries to dominate your thinking, move your awareness onto the world around you. Don't focus on what someone could be thinking about you, or how you look to them. Only focus on what's actually happening at the time - what they're saying, sounds in the background, the way the light shines through the window. It can be kind of relaxing just to lose yourself around other people, and just be. Anyway, that probably sounds pretty garbled, but you could try it. Maybe make a point of just going out, sitting down around other people, and relaxing, losing yourself in the world around you. If people talk to you, focus on what they're saying, not on your thoughts, and just respond however you feel like. Sometimes its good just to be around people without any pressure or expectation. Not sure if any of that made any sense but if it didn't just ignore it, I'm new here.

    Hope your nightmare ends soon

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    1,488

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hello Louise
    Awww. People can be so cruel and insensitive - it makes me so annoyed.
    You are not 'weird' and the only 'weird' people are the ones who find it ok to sit and call you. Its wrong.
    For your family to call you 'gay' because you have not had a boyfriend yet, I think is terrible, however my much older sister has just this past week called me a 'freak' for having agoraphobia, even though I still make the effort to go out, despite how much I panic when I am out. Nothing surprises me anymore about people about how cruel they can be.
    I have a son your age at uni and to begin with he was so nervous but now he loves it and does not want to leave and has gone onto do a further year studying for a Masters! That said though, he doesnt have anxiety thankfully!He didnt find it easy at all to begin with as he was really shy.
    Could you go for counselling through the university. I know there is help available for students who feel that they need it.Have you tried that?
    Don't beat yourself up for not having had a boyfriend or sex at the age of 22. It will happen when it is meant to. Dont think of it as embarrassing...there is no set age for having a boyfriend or sex.
    I think you should be very proud of yourself for being at university. Ignore what your house'mates' say - if they can call you as they do, are they really worth bothering about what comes out of their stupid mouths? Rise above it.
    Keep posting as you will find a lot of support on this site.
    Last edited by PoppyC; 03-10-09 at 20:18.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    192

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hi Louise,
    I never had a boyfriend till 15, I married him when I was 20 and we've been together 18 yrs altogether. I didn't sleep around, didnt have a kiss till 15, was bullied at school for it etc,etc. I didnt have friends, or the friends i did have called me behind my back, I'm now 33 and have just made a new friend through our sons. I would never have been drawn to her except through our sons (both have autism) shes what you may call rough around the edges and yet she is so supportive. There is light at the end of the tunnel but if like me its hard to let people in. Trust your instinct, Its horrid that your family isnt supprortive of you but its better then being on Jeremy Kyle pregnant with 6/7 potential Dads. Remember YOU are YOU, a unique individual with unique characteristics and emotions, I believe you will find the right person, when your ready, friends will also find you but you have to do our bit and let them in, slowly at first and then more.
    Take care and I think your brill for not being pressured into anything You should be proud of yourself.
    Angela

  7. #7

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    I liked your reply to Louise. You sound mature for your age. I wish, and I bet you'd agree with me, that it all would be as easy as it reads... I am 29 and I havent changed yet, despite having tried for many years. I am still lost, trapped and alone in this deep hole I dig myself into a little deeper everyday.

    I wish I had a piece of advise to give you. Unfortunately, I am out of hope. So I suppose the only thing I can say to you an other people like "us" is: leave right now, before you get any deeper, just like the Will Young's song, of course, in a different more complex context...

    Dont let it dominate your mind the way it has already dominated mine. And you haven read the worst bit of all: I am a mother. My son doesnt give me reasons to be better. On the contrary, I feel more guilty for him. My depression is greater than my mother instincts but weaker than my love for my son. What does this mean? Well, I ask myself everyday: what would my son benefit from the most, a sick mother or the memory of a dead mother? I have tried to get my self sick so I could die in a non suicidal mode ( if that makes sense...), so my son will think when he grows up that his mother was ill and simply died. Maybe that though will give him more strength in life than having a useless mother who, no doubt, will convey her grief to him throughout her miserable life.

    I still want the best for my son. Can I be a better mother if dead?

    I know what you are thinking: then get better for your son, woman. Do something about it " in life" . Well, I have tried for years and I am still waiting for something to work. My social phobia cannot get any better since I struggle understanding oral English even after almost 10 years in the UK, where i have totally isolated myself.

    Why dont I go to my country of origin where surely i wont feel so out of place, where my family is? unfortunately, I am legally forced to stay here due to custody issues with my son's father who opposes to me taking his son abroad to life.


    My case is not easy, i dont expect anyone to help. I just hope my son will grow up to be a normal person. He is 5 now and showing low self steem problems already. He is gonna need a miracle...

    if I "give him up" to his father, he will be worst off: he will grow up thinking his mother abandoned him. Plus, his father is not the best father figure if you know what i mean.

    So whats the best for my son? anyone? God??

    Best of luck every body.




    Quote Originally Posted by tiredzombie View Post
    Hey,
    Not going to pretend that I have any particular advice for dealing with what you're going through, as it sounds kind of similar to things that I've yet to cope with and still struggle with in my own life, but on the offchance it might make you feel a tiny bit better to know that you're not alone...
    I started uni 3 years ago. I had a lot of trouble talking to people. I didn't go out. I didn't socialise. I just stayed in my room for the best part of six months! My housemates were nice, but I never really bonded with them at all, as on the few occasions when we went out together (fresher's week) I was too anxious to get to know them properly. I'm pretty sure they thought I was strange. It got to the stage where I would avoid cooking meals just so I wouldn't have to meet them in the kitchen, and endure the awkward feeling I got. Every time I left my room I would feel incredibly anxious.
    I feel like I kind of know what you mean about wanting to change but just not being able to. I remember being caught up in a situation like that, its very hard to look beyond it, or think that you can really be any different. It's easy to look back and think 'I could have done that' afterwards, but when you're actually there its different, and you just feel kind of powerless.
    Eventually it got to the stage where I felt I just couldn't go on anymore, and I decided to drop out. Luckily my family were very supportive, but I kind of regret not dealing with my issues at the time, as they've only got deeper since.
    I'm now (also) 22, and it still feels like I have no life, despite attempts I make every now and then to break out of my rut and meet people. Never had sex or a serious relationship, and I know it feels embarassing and is just another thing to get anxious about. Plus, I'm a bloke (not sure but think that's 'sposed to be more embarrassing?) I'm also living at home (how loserish is that?), and worrying about applying to return to uni again next year.
    Like I said, I haven't got any proper advice to give you. Hopefully what you're going through isn't as extreme and it will get easier as time goes on (think everyone feels pretty anxious at start of uni.) If it doesn't...well, like Star said, there's counselling. You definitely want to get someone on your side to support you, as it sucks to feel alone, and if your family don't understand then someone else to give you perspective and support might help. There's obviously a whole range of therapies and treatments to deal with social anxiety, if that's the problem - CBT, EMDR etc - which you could ask a counsellor about or read up on. But obviously you have to have the motivation to go through with them. I'm currently looking into something called 'autogenic training', which is supposed to help calm anxiety through training the body with breathing techniques.
    I suppose one short term bit of advice I might give you, which kind of works for me sometimes, is to try shifting your focus away from yourself and onto your environment. Instead of allowing your anxieties and worries to dominate your thinking, move your awareness onto the world around you. Don't focus on what someone could be thinking about you, or how you look to them. Only focus on what's actually happening at the time - what they're saying, sounds in the background, the way the light shines through the window. It can be kind of relaxing just to lose yourself around other people, and just be. Anyway, that probably sounds pretty garbled, but you could try it. Maybe make a point of just going out, sitting down around other people, and relaxing, losing yourself in the world around you. If people talk to you, focus on what they're saying, not on your thoughts, and just respond however you feel like. Sometimes its good just to be around people without any pressure or expectation. Not sure if any of that made any sense but if it didn't just ignore it, I'm new here.

    Hope your nightmare ends soon

  8. #8

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hey azul,
    Totally agree about wanting it to be as easy as it sounds. Things always seem so much simpler from the outside, when you don't know all the little details that make it really hellish for people. I guess all of us just want it to be easier for others than it is for us.
    It sounds awful for you feeling so hopeless. I often feel like my problems are unsolvable and its terrible, and I can't imagine coping with that feeling every day, without any relief from it.
    Also it seems so much harder for you with a son to take care of. Seeing the effects your problems can have on those you love is one of the worst things, and yet its not enough to force you into getting better. But obviously its so much bigger when they're dependent on you. Thinking of sacrificing your own life for the sake of your son's mental health is a terrible position to be in. I'm sure you're not useless though. However hard it is for you to do things some people find easy, you're still his mother. The most important thing a parent can do is be there to have that relationship with your child, irrespective of all the additional outside things. And I'm sure your son will appreciate that when he is old enough to understand the incredibly difficult situation you struggle with.
    I feel so bad for you being isolated without a family or community to support you. Despite all I've done to isolate myself, I can still rely on my family, so I can't imagine how hard it would be without that. And being in a country where you can't understand the language easily seems to make it feel near impossible to deal with. It must be so frustrating to be trapped by circumstances beyond your control where you feel you can't deal with your problem.
    I hope you can find some type of direct help and support for yourself and your son, but if not I guess that is what this site is for . Above all, I hope you discover some kind of hope again.

  9. #9

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    hello tired zombie and thanks for your comments.

    we have no choice but to keep breathing and hope for hope. WE all have our problems, mine are not necesary more "serious" than yours....

    thanks again for your words.

    Take care

    V.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    370

    Re: Can't deal with this anymore.

    Hi Louise!

    The fact that you have not had a relationship or sex at 22 is not embarrassing, it's actually refreshing and many men would tell you so! I have anxiety, although I have never suffered from social phobia, however. I didn't have a proper relationship or sex until I was 24 and that was with my ex husband. It did not make me an abnormal person at all and I am proud of the fact I did not sleep around. I have had several relationships since and it becomes easier to relate to people as you gain life experience.

    Please do not add to your anxiety by thinking you are not normal, or whatever, because you're are. We are all who we are, individuals with our own quirks and uniqueness. You sound like a lovely, caring person and I have no doubt that you will meet someone who will fall in love with you, you have so much of your life ahead of you, so don't put so much pressure on yourself and take life at your own pace.

    Sarah x

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