Hello, I need help. I'm 19 years old, I'm a woman, and I believe (in fact, I pray) that I have HOCD.
This might be unusually long so I ask for patience and empathy.
Ps. I have a record of an anxiety disorder, in which I took pills for no longer than two months and suspended them myself because my mother could no longer afford it.
It started late August, I was at a sleep over with my best friend, she, more drunk than I was. I don't remember the conversation or why she did what she did, but she kissed me with my permission. (I've never kissed anybody except for child experimentation, which was a boy and a girl, but never really with anything sexual in mind). I was incredibly shocked, and was followed with a crippling depression. I wouldnt get out of bed and would spend all day looking for solutions to ungay myself. Such as: ovaries removal, i read that that lowers your libido, did research on asexuality, and even electroshock therapy, anything that could get me through the night. I would constantly drug myself with natural, earthy anxiety pills so I could sleep and wouldnt think about it.
I was terrified about becoming a lesbian, i would cry myself to sleep.
I would be agoraphobic because i couldnt be in the same room with a woman and id be desperate because i couldnt feel anything for guys like before, and that broke my heart, because i spent 10 years of my life being a hopeless romantic until that night.
I avoided books,movies, songs and literally everything. I wanted to kill myself and I even told my mother. I couldn't keep it to myself, it was too hurtful.
Then, fast forward to New Years, when I usually spend that time at my fathers house. The day after, 10 am to be exact.
I woke up after a night of worrying about the same thing for the millionth time.
I went to hug my father, who was still in bed. I dont know if he was still drunk or not, but he touched me over my clothes, and needless to say, I felt things that I've never felt with a man before. Things I only felt with lesbian porn years before (which is why I was already so paranoid), but I almost felt... okay with it? It's really, really messed up, but at the time, it felt like maybe I wasnt gay at all, and proved that i could feel things for guys sexually.
Few weeks later, the worrying and the obsession returned, whenever I even heard the word gay or that sexuality is fluid, anything would trigger me and make me cry until my head felt like bursting. I felt like being straight was wrong and i would scream quietly, making my veins to show, I would make myself think about men 24/7, and even looking at myself is really really uncomfortable.
Now, almost a month later,
I can't think about women, or gay men, or sometimes everyone in general, feeling like everyone is gonna suddenly hurt me or that I'll do something that I don't want to do.
My abdomen hurts because of so much pressure, anxiety and silent screaming to myself to stop everytime I think about women, even when it's not sexual.
I'm afraid of the women in my family and even drawings of women and I find myself holding my breath everytime I look at myself or any other woman.
I'm terrified of women and now, also men, and I can't even stand being with myself.
This anxiety is crippling and I don't want to die, but I have and I will consider if I can't go back to who I was.
Please... I beg you to help me, I am terrified.
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Originally Posted by AntsyVee
plus, It would have to be a man, and I don't know if he'll be able to understand anyways.
