I just want to take this time to explain a few things about the last couple of years...
i have to admit I’ve been distant, depressed and just utterly miserable for a while now, sometimes I feel fine, and by that I’m having a good day and I’ll be full of energy and laughter and those days are great, but rare.
however the past month things have gotten a lot better, after 2 years of hell something in my life changed and now I very rarely get the bad days! there was one thing that needed to be removed from my life to get back to how I used to be. I stopped smoking cannabis.

let me just be clear I am in no way against cannabis, I still believe the benefits of using this medically and the recreational uses that it has are phenomenal, but it can be overdone, I started out just smoking every couple of days, a 20 bag would last me a couple of days and half a joint would have me on my ass. then it started to progress to a 20 bag lasting me 1 day, then I went up to 1/8th a day. I had no worries about the amount I was smoking after all nobody has ever died from smoking the herb. but after around two years of smoking heavily I lit a herbal cigarette like any other day and experienced one of the scariest moments of my life, my heart was in tatters, I was sweating, I was gulping air down like there was no more air left in the room, my thoughts were racing, I was pacing around the room trying to fill my lungs with air. the next day I was still pretty shook up but I put it down to being a one off, let me tell you that EVERY time I lit up a joint after that day I experienced those exact feelings. it didn’t matter about where I was, who I was with, what i was doing the moment the high started to take over my body I was running around the house gasping for air again. this left me with an awful after effect of panic, everyday the thought of that moment brought another one on, even when I wasn’t smoking! I thought something was seriously wrong, everyday I’d be making a new doctors appointment with constant hospital checks and blood tests trying to figure out what had happened to me.

still, I didn’t give up smoking, i had gotten to a point where I could smoke and feel horrible but make it less intense, but I wasn’t enjoying it, I’d constantly try again every 2 weeks just to see if things had gotten better and I could get back to doing the thing I loved most in life but every time it was the same. I must have been to A&E 10-15 times in the space of 6 months. this feeling was honestly the most intense scary feeling imaginable, every single episode I had felt like i was dying.
jump to January 2018, I decided I’d stop smoking completely, try to get everything under control and maybe try again when everything calmed down, well since not touching the stuff I have gone nearly 2 months without having a single blip, I no longer need my diazepam to control this horrible feeling, my everyday life is slowly getting back to normal and things are actually looking a lot brighter.
I’m not here to scare you off smoking the stuff, it did me wonders and I loved every second of it, just don’t go crazy with it and spend £30-40 a day on it otherwise the day will come where you end up like this and have to quit altogether.
I do hope there’s a day in the future I can go back to smoking again, I miss it so much, but until I feel up to it, my health is more important than feeling high for a couple hours.