How do we go on living like this

[Fidget]

Forgive my ramblings, but it's 05.55, and I have been awake since 1.30, consumed by anxiety and a fearful mind. I had a pretty lousy day yesterday and I guess feel down, and sorry for myself. I have been struggling with anxiety for nearly 4 months, with my main symptom fear of self harm. I have had problems with anxiety in the past but had been well for 8 years, but this time it feels more difficult. My wife offers lots of reassurance and tells me it's not as bad as last time. Last time I was very depressed and at least I am not having panic attacks, but I just feel so wretched. I really thought I had conquered anxiety, and I can't get past why.... why, 16 weeks ago I was a regular guy just going about life, and now I am this wreck of a man, who suddenly has no confidence, no self belief, feeling like a scared child, who at times feels like he needs to run home to his 82 year old mum to be looked after. I feel totally f**ked.

This morning I just feel......can I go on living like this. I am not suicidal but I don't want to live like this. Each day feels as if it is just a case of survival. Surviving my mind, battling my fears, hoping that these feelings will pass. What keeps us going, when in my case I feel that all I have to look forward to is a day trapped in my anxious head. I have such a loving wife and family that to do anything stupid would be the epitome of selfishness, but I really hate being like this.

I'm seeing my cbt therapist today for my 3rd session, but in truth I'm not sure how helpful this is. It's embarrassing for a 58 year old man to spend an hour with a strange female either holding back the tears or crying like a baby.

As I said, I am sorry for this post, I am sure it's not what people want to read when they log on but just wanted to put down how I am feeling

[pulisa]

Fidget, I very much empathise with your pain and sense of utter desperation. You are used to being in control of your life and a strong man and now you feel you are at the mercy of anxiety and all the horrible thoughts and feelings which threaten to overwhelm you. Also as a man it must be demoralising to have to open up to a random female therapist and admit to such pain..I'm sure you are thinking what can CBT do to make you stop feeling like this and why can't this all just go away when you have a loving and supportive wife and family?

I think you are being very hard on yourself when you are obviously unwell but we all do this and think that we shouldn't be like this..when we are actually experiencing the full whack of an anxiety disorder episode and all the thoughts of self harm which can be part and parcel of it to make the feelings go away.

My view is that you should be very honest with your therapist and tell her just what you have written down here. You say that you aren't suicidal but just want to stop feeling like this. You are obviously in distress and need help and it must be very difficult to explain this to your wife who wants to reassure and comfort you and doesn't want you to be like you were when you were last ill..

Please let us know how you get on today and keep posting on here if it brings you any sense of relief or support. I'm sure many people will very much empathise with how you are feeling and how completely overwhelming and distressing these feelings and thoughts are and how your life is taken over and made to feel like every day is an ordeal to get through.

Very best wishes and sending you strength and courage

[hanshan]

Don't be embarrassed. There are lots of people here (myself included) who have had a relapse, then found their way out of it and are stronger for it. You can, too. Stay in there, and work things through with your therapist and your family's support.

[Fidget]

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. At times like these, such kindness makes life a bit more bearable. Its early days with therapy but I live in hope that this will help me recover from this curse called anxiety. I realise on an intellectual level that all of my current difficulties are due to distorted thinking, but can I alter my thought processes.....no. I am left wondering why can't I just alter my thoughts. All of this pain would go away, but it's almost like a form af sadomasochism that over and over in my mind I generate fear and thoughts and respond to fearful thoughts. It doesn't help that I am currently going through a phase where I can't sleep for my than 2 or 3 hours as my body wakes me up with awful feelings of anxiety, and I lay in bed tossing and turning trying to battle my thoughts. It's exhausting and of course sets me up for the day with the wrong feelings. I try to picture my self prior to the onset of this bout of anxiety in an attempt to generate good feelings, but the longer this goes on the farther away from my old self I feel which doesn't help. I realise I am not alone in my suffering, and I pray that others are winning their own personal struggles.

[pulisa]

I think you should hang on to the fact that 16 weeks ago you didn't feel like this and weren't in the grips of an acute anxiety episode which is what this is. And you will recover and get back to being how you were before despite fearing that you won't and this is how it's going to be from now on..You know that this is distorted thinking.

You know that it's very early days with the therapy so don't put pressure on yourself. A troubled mind will bring troubled sleep. Would you consider a short dose of sleeping pills to bring you a bit of respite and hopefully kickstart a longer sleeping pattern? Lack of sleep/broken sleep is so draining and frustrating. Has your therapist suggested anything to help?

[Fidget]

Hi Pulisa. I have been using an over the counter sleeping pill that you can buy here in France, but it's having little impact. I find I can quickly fall asleep and remain asleep for
2-3 hours but am awoken with anxiety, which remains with me for the remainder of the night. My mind is a whirlwind of activity with each thought causing a surge in anxiety. I try to remind myself that this is my amygdala working overtime, and try to focus on my breathing, but in truth During this period I feel so totally wretched, I just feel so desperate during these hours. I convince myself I am heading for a total breakdown.

I get up and sit outside with a cup of tea trying to bring back some sense of calm, and I can do that, but only if I am outside. Somehow I have developed a dislike of being inside the house, which does not bode well for the winter months.

My therapist has just allowed me to do a lot of talking, so we haven't got into trying to understand what's going on. I've had 3 sessions, and I'm not sure how these things are supposed to work. I pay €25 for an hours session. She is an accredited CBT therapist who worked in the uk, so I am hopeful that she can help put me on the road to recovery. I realise the solution has to come from within myself, but I really worry that I lack the emotional strength to climb my way back up. Sometimes it feels easier just to sit and wallow in self pity, rather than work at things. Everything feels so difficult. Thank you for listening to me, it's really kind of you. I hope that your mental wellness is good.

[pulisa]

I get what you mean about being outside..I have a bit of a "caged lion" mentality myself when very stressed.
You must be exhausted mentally and it's very hard to see the wood from the trees when there is no let up and no extended sleep to give you a bit of respite from constant rumination. You aren't wallowing in self pity at all but you are in distress and as the OTC sleeping tablets aren't helping maybe it's time to consider a visit to your doctor to talk things over? I don't know how you feel about prescribed meds but in my opinion you need a bit of help to help you make the most of your therapy? Sleep deprivation is miserable especially as your anxiety is making you feel so wretched.

[hanshan]

Hi Fidget - The over the counter pill is probably some form of sedating antihistamine - enough to get you off to sleep but not enough to stop the waking with anxiety. I suffered with that and it's just plain awful. My prescription meds now are mirtazapine and pregabalin, which for me give me good sleep and keep the anxiety at bay. They can both be taken long-term, if necessary.

I can understand getting outside. Just seeing and hearing the day going about its business completely separate from the turmoil inside you can have a calming effect. Good luck with your progress.

[Fidget]

Hi. I do plan on seeing my GP to discuss maters. I am not opposed to medication, in fact had been on citalopram 20 MGM for 8 years. I chose to come of Cit last year after I retired. I felt so well and thought now is the time. I chose a very long and slow reduction to avoid relapse, and I guess it must have been 6 months to withdraw. Towards the end I was only on 10mgm once a week, but it was 4 weeks after the final dose that the anxiety returned. I am back on 20mgm, and have been so for 16 weeks, but in truth, I feel like I am getting steadily worse. I don't know if the Cit is no longer working for me, or if my body needs more time to adjust, but currently, I feel like I am really struggling with myself and my thoughts. Each morning I wake thinking I would be better of if I was no longer here. An extreme thought I realise, and one that scares me, but fortunately because I am so afraid of dying believe I would not do anything stupid. I pray that this wil pass sometime soon.

I sometimes feel a sense of despair that after 4 months of being back on my meds, I feel I am getting worse, not better. My wife who is an amazing source of support keeps telling me, I have got to challenge these negative and self destructive thoughts, but in truth I can't, or don't know how to. She tries to keep me busy and occupied, but in truth, sometimes I just want to sit and be with my own thoughts, even tho, that is unhelpful. Working at getting better seems so hard and so difficult, and I fear I now lack the reslience I had when I was a younger man. I tell myself I have so much to live for, but struggle to really connect with such thoughts. I am so angry with myself that I can connect so easily with the thoughts that are ruining my life, but not the positive thoughts. I find myself during the day crying at my situation, I loose myself in the garden so my wife does not have to witness this. As always, I really appreciate you reading my comments and offering your advice.

[pulisa]

My advice would be to see your doctor as soon as possible to discuss your medication and also to open up about how depression is taking a grip and affecting every aspect of your life. Now is the time to be honest about how you are feeling and how distressed you are about the nature of your thoughts. This is your illness making such an impact and no amount of "pull yourself together/count your blessings" self talk will be effective when you are so low and sleep-deprived.

Your wife sounds extremely supportive but she doesn't know what is going on inside your head and she doesn't have to live with the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing so she can't fully appreciate the nature of your distress. I can't advise you on medication but it doesn't look as if the citalopram is helping you this time and now may be the time to look at other options to stabilise you?