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Thread: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

  1. #1

    Unhappy Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    I love my mum, too much I think sometimes, and I often base how I feel,
    my self esteem and self worth on how she treats me and how we get on. She always seems to know whats best for me, (I know know, what mother doesn't think that!) But to a point where she spams me with emails everyday, because she doesn't like my job (I love it), and if my boyfriend came to the house, she would be so rude to him and me, I would cringe, he refuses to come round anymore :( and I love him alot, so unless I'm at his, I often feel lonely and isolated. She makes a point of walking away when I talk about him or mention him, and the only reasons she gives, are that he has a beard, he isn't what I want (?!) and she cannot talk to him because she doesn't like him. This man treats me like a princess and Is so accepting of my anxiety it is unreal!

    She loves to tell people how she would only ever be happy if I was, and I could do or be anything as long as it made me happy, but I do feel it's down for her to say when I'm happy, and If I say it, it means nothing. Very frustrating. I'm 19 now and I need to start running my own life and doing what makes me happy. Just feel like she has no respect for me.

    The worst thing is I suffer from binge eating disorder and frequent bulimic episodes. When I'm at my worst, and most anxious mess and especially if we have argued, she will always go back to that, and ask very coldly, 'How is your eating', with a disgusted look on her face. Just to remind me on I am worthless and nothing without her. She knows everything about me and can use it easily to make me feel like s**t on demand. I hate myself for letting her do it. But when we talk about it normally she is all smiles and hugs and be here for you whenever you need, so proud of you kinda thing.

    So sorry for the massive rant, just need to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading xxxx
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    'It will all come good in the end, and if it's not good ... It's not the end'

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    4,729

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    There's a book called when you and your mother can't be friends, you really should it ,it will help you cope better and understand how your mum can be nice and abusive to you at the se time.
    What age are you?

    When I was a teenager I based my worth on how my family treated me, needless to say I ended up self harming and feeling very suicidal.
    You need to develop self worth outside of your mum , you need your friends and your boyfriend. When things get hard it's good to have people you can talk to around.
    __________________
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  3. #3

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    Hi Mishel!
    Yeah I will give that book a go Sounds promising. Well I'm nineteen, so I suppose I'm still trapped it the child adult phase in the eyes of my parents, that can be really really tough :(. Yeah I need to realise she is another human being that can't treat me like garbage and not God :P xxxx
    __________________
    'It will all come good in the end, and if it's not good ... It's not the end'

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    4,729

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    You need to accept your mum for what she is, she can be nice and she can be mean.
    You might never get what you crave from her.
    She seems to have made you responsible for her happiness .
    She doesn't always know best, try to remember she is human and people can be very selfish.
    My family make me feel worthless and small so I avoid them as much as possible.
    I can't stand up to my family because they will not listen and it just makes them even more angry with me.
    They always find a way of insulting me, so I get anxious when I'm around them causing I'm wondering when will they start picking on me.
    My mum isn't too bad, its more her sisters that are the problem.
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  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
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    438

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    Hi raphaelite, you are in a very tough place... the mother/daughter connection can be fraught with horrendous drama and confusion (as I found to my detriment)... in their eyes we are forever children, and I would imagine that the bulimia "keeps you as a child" in her mind :( It's a bit of a vicious circle, and as long as you "allow" her to have any control, she will always "use" it to her advantage. I had to stop all contact with my mother (whom I loved too much) a few years ago, because at 46 she was still treating me like a child... I have an 18 year old son, and I've learnt a great deal from my mother... Everything she did to me, I do the complete opposite with him I think that sometimes mother's just aren't very good at being mother's, it's truly not something that comes naturally, and it's one of the hardest jobs in the world...

  6. #6

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    Quote Originally Posted by raphaelite View Post
    So sorry for the massive rant, just need to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading xxxx
    Hi raphaelite,

    I am 39 and have had similar problems with my mum since I was a kid. In my case it came from my mum's insecurities and problems she has had in her life. Of course that doesn't make it easier to deal with but sometimes looking at things from a different angle can help.

    I was always afraid of disappointing my mum and trying to do what she wanted but I finally realised it wasn't a good idea, thanks to some counselling. I know my mum felt hurt that I blamed her for my problems but we working through them and we are very close now.

    Actually she suffers from depression so I am the one she turns to. Like most things it's about finding balance in your life. I hope you can find some common ground with your mum. xxx

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    62

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    I don't not get on with my mum but we have A LOT of arguments.

    I'm 18 and had my baby at 16 she took the news fine but we have a big household with me my mum and dad a sister and 3 brothers. A kitten and its mum! This is in a four bedroom house.
    So even before she was born it was loud as it was.

    When I was pregnant I remember a few arguments but not to many and she would throw things at me like move out etc.

    Then when she was born I would stay at her dads few itimes a week and my mum would start shoutin at me for no reason sayin go move in his you spend enough time there!

    My mum is abit if a "clean freak" so when my baby got to the point when I bought a high chair and she started finger eatin and makin mess things got bad! She would constantly watch every crumb etc and if I didn't pick iit up straight away she would shout sayin I'm lazy and she had a wipe ready to wipe her hands and I would do it but then she would go over them! I bought a high chair to avoid so much mess but she had a problem with me buyin one because she asked when would it go etc.

    Anyway I put up with it, you know because I basically had to. Then the argumwnts got worse she was tellin me to move out more and because I didn't like the smokin only at the door (I wanted them outside) she would again say don't like it bla bla bla.

    I eventually just one day as it got to potty trainin moved out. She had a few accidents and she would go crazy! I couldn't handle it anymore. I put my stress down to her and my problems I had down to her and had to go.

    Now I supose we get on etter as I only see her coule times a week and nnot all day. The modd the stress wasn't god for me her or my baby so it was the best thin to do. All I'm sayiin is sometimes no parents are rubbish and yes their only humans but they have that bit more of responsibilty and reason to be nice and if they don't take it and its really upsettin you you need to do somethin about it.

    I turn to my nan which I think upsets her too but my nann understands me and gets what she is like. She has spoke to her but she takes no notice.

    Anyway rant over!!
    Long pose

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
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    772

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    Mums are very important to us and we want them to love us, but sometimes they can use us for their own selfish reasons, they are only human after all. It is also very difficult to 'grow up' to parents - we are always destined to be their little boy or girl to some extent.

    I got on better with my parents when I moved out as they ceased to have the same element of control over me and I became an adult in my own right. It was hard as I knew they never approved of me leaving and at the back of my mind I feared offending them and losing their love altogether. In the event it was the best decision I ever made. Not only did they accept it eventually, I felt I had finally become an adult in their eyes.

    Tyke

  9. #9

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless

    Hey, I know exactly how you feel, my mum has a lot of problems with anxiety, but has never got help for them, and a lot of the problems that I have, I see in her too, when I lived with her, when I was talking to her about my anxiety she was supportive and lovely, but when we argued, she used it all against me to make me feel worse. I think it's because she has a lot of problems too, though it doesn't excuse it. I had enough of this and moved out almost a year ago, and my relationship with my mum has got so much better now, I think we've reached an understanding that we're very much alike with our problems, and we don't see each other enough to argue. So keep your chin up, it will be better one day! Best of luck

  10. #10

    Re: Love my mum, but she still makes me feel so small and worthless


    Apart from the eating disorder when I read your post it was as though I had written it. Although at 19 I did not have your clear thought to recognise it was her problem although causing me one that was the issue not me.

    Having had the need to care for my mother so ingrained as a child that it is an automatic reaction to her however, unreasonable her behaviour is to step in calm her down, sooth her ego and sort out the problem.

    I behave almost like a Pavlov dog. It leaves me feeling used, upset and angry. But unable to stop the reaction and break the cycle it has eaten away at me till eventually having so low a self esteem & confidence I ceased to be able to function either at work or personally. This in turn has led me to seek medical help for anxiety and depression.

    About a month ago in the midst of this I felt so bad that when the abusive call came blaming me for her actions I just could not call react as normal. I did not have the strength to do so. The world did not end she is still there Sadly it took this for me to begin to think that whilst as my mother I will always love her that she is not my responsibilty nor should I have to accept her behaviour or abuse any longer.

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