Superstition OCD ruining my life and relationship HELP!?!

[Sara Nosredneh]

Hi I'm new to No More Panic and don't really know how to use it or what to write so bear with me, but I'd really appreciate if any of you guys could help with my problem or whether you have suffered from it too.

I suffer from mental tics, irrational thoughts/fears and superstitious routines. When I was around 12-16 I used to get tics where I would nod my head repeatedly, twitch my nose, blink really hard, make strange noises like "hum" all the time and if I didn't do it, then I would start feeling sick and get a lump in my throat until I made the noise then it would go away, but only until the next time.

The things which gets me down the most though are these stupid routines I HAVE to do otherwise I think either my boyfriend or mum will die. If anything is related to the number 3, that is bad. If I blink when looking at words or numbers that are unlucky or relate to people I love, then bad things will happen. For example, if I was to read something and I blinked on the letters 'ER' , I would have to read them backwards, because 'ER' stands for Emergency Room which means bad things. Also, If I touch anything on my right side, I HAVE to then touch it with my left side because the right side signifies death (as if it were like an imaginary timeline in my head like this: Birth-------death)

I constantly feel if I don't do these routines then people I love will die but I know that it is ridiculous, and its completely irrational thinking, my counsellor has already gone through this with me a thousand times but I can't shake the feeling. I'm 20 and I have suffered with this since I can remember but people tell me I'll 'grow out of it'; I haven't and as I get older, its getting worse because I have more responsibility and there is more reason for things to go wrong. These rituals affect me so much that I have to set aside 15 minutes extra in my morning routine because they can take up so much of my time.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP OR SAY THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED SOMETHING SIMILAR? I feel like I'm going crazy and noone will believe me.

Thank you so much.

[vicky23]

hi Sara,
you are certainly not alone! These rituals are the foundation of OCD.
The best thing you can do is go to your Gp who will refer you to a pyschiatrist who will have the expertise to help you best.
Help is definitley out there so don't lose hope!
X
p.s. just re-read your post and notice the reference to a councellor. OCD is a very complex disorder and very often need medication so if you're not on meds then I'd definitley look into that. Are you having Cognitive behavioural therapy with your councellor?

[HeadInAJar]

Hi Sarah.

I agree with what Vicky said. You really need to be seeing someone more than a counsellor too, unless they so happen to be trained in ocd. Have you spoken to your doctor about things?

As for why you know deep down things are irrational but still do the compulsions, its because the part of the brain triggering your anxiety isnt the rational part. It functions more on what it sees you do. As an example, if I was really afraid that picking up an apple would kill me, no matter how much I told myself it was silly, if I avoid that apple the brain takes it as confirmation of its concerns and will fire that signal worse next time. If on the other hand I pick up the apple and carry it around all day, its funny how quickly the brain stops sending the alarm signal. Its certainly not easy but its true.

[blingkasa]

Hi, i have them as well and they affect nearly all aspect of my daily life, and like you i also have the numbers thing or something bad will happen and i have to do certain " rituals" before i go to bed, a lot of it is wanting to feel in control i think as i have had it since i was little after leaving the UK and moving to live in another country, and i remember they started then as i was anxious a lot of the time. I also have it with " words" as in i cant write certain " words" as it means something bad will happen, a bit difficult as i am a tv producer and have to also write scripts : ) What i started to do was say to myself " I'll do the number thingy later" or I will let the urge to do the ritual come and then peak and then it fades away, it is easier said than done i know because we are actually battling with our own thoughts and it gets tiring and stressful having to do them. When in fact we dont " have" to but we need to make sure that everything is alright and its like a safety net for us. I really agree with what other people have written here as it will take someone who is trained and understands OCD to help you better. And as i have OCD i know how hard it is. But hopefully you can realize you are not alone and people can overcome it . I have good days and bad days, depending on my anxiety , i hope you do get better soon and hopefully you will find someone amazing who can really be of help and support to you. Good Luck .

[Sara Nosredneh]

Thank you all so much for your replies!!

I have been prescribed 20mg citalopram which after 4 weeks are really starting to help with the panic and slightly reduce my OCD tendencies but they are still there.

I have an appointment with a cognitive behavioural therapist next week so I hope this will help me

I'll check back in soon!

Many thanks!

[cinderella123456]

heya, i've experienced OCD in many different forms. and i assure u , u are not going mental or anything. thought i understand it feels like u are. and doctors reply of "it will b fine" often does nothing to reassure you. but OCD is about obsessional/irrational thinking. my ocd is more the type thats in my head (often known as Pure O OCD) or obsessive ruminations. i intensely focus on different things. and it consumes my life and i always assume the worst. i neva have a moment of piece and its like a constant torture. so many people brush off these things and i wish i could but i cant. for example, last year i had palpitations for 2 hrs (medication side effect) had numerous heart scans etc. all came back fine. but i was convinced i wud drop down dead, i would check my pulse all the time, i avoided exercise cos that increased the heart rate - and i thought i mite die. i then got friends to check my pulse cos i cudnt trust my own judgement and convinced myself i had palpitations. i attempted college and then became convinced i couldnt breathe properly , that i couldnt catch my breath. i had no physical ritual that coud calm me down. jus obsessive thinking in my head. medication stopped this. but recently its come back in a different form. but help is definately out there. u have the right to be referred to a psychiatrist. they can diagnose and try medication. which no matter what the thoughts, will help.
all the best. xx

[Bill]

I posted the original of this about 4 years ago. Time sure flies. Anyway, in case it's of help to you or anyone else. Sorry it's so long.

My OCD experiences
I posted this thread nearly 2 years ago but I just felt if I brought it forward, it might help new people to understand some aspects of OCD and how it affects people...........

I know this is very long but hopefully it'll help someone knowing they're not alone with this.

One of my first memories of anxiety was when I needed the loo. I’d not sit on the loo and I’d raise the back of my shirt for fear of anything getting on it. When I went to primary school I’d then avoid using the toilets “to sit on” and hold on until I got home. I remember once I couldn’t hold on and after “the accident” my mother was asking me why I didn’t go before I left school. This fear continued into secondary school and so I’d try to go in the mornings before I went to school.

While I was at primary school, a good friend became ill. I can remember his behaviour and wondering why. After going to secondary school, I went back to my primary school because they had a reunion. I met him again but he didn’t recognise me. Not much later he died which really upset me. What had happened to him scared me so much that I’ve never forgotten his face and sometimes I still see his face as an intrusive thought.

After school I’d come home to an empty house but often I’d go out again to play tennis. I would have to go round the house checking every lock, socket, switch, tap etc. I would check them countless times until my hands were sweating and I was completely stressed out. My fear was that I’d be blamed if anything went wrong.

When I’d check things and I started to become anxious, I’d start counting to a certain “safe” number before I felt it was ok to leave it alone. However, I’d start experiencing intrusive thoughts of my lost friend which I felt I had to try and cancel out with “safe” thoughts. Trying to check things became a nightmare for me.

Whenever I heard of my friends illness I’d become very anxious. Once I was having dinner and it came on the TV. I had to rush upstairs to be sick. My father said I shouldn’t watch TV while I was having dinner but I couldn’t tell him what really made me sick.

I was very intense and used to press hard into the paper when writing. One teacher said I’ll be going right through paper it if I didn’t relax! I used to hate taking exams because I’d be sick before them. Even when coming home from holiday knowing the exam results would be waiting there, after dinner at a pub I was sick again.

When I started work, I’d hate being the last one to leave the house and locking up so I’d rush to leave before my parents to avoid the anxiety I knew it’d cause me. Around this time, I started to learn to drive. When I came to take the test, I was visiting the loo half a dozen times with nerves. Once I did pass my test, the checking rituals started to affect me locking the car doors. I’d have to check them countless times and keep walking back to re-check to reassure myself they really were locked. I don’t know what people thought!

I have always been a perfectionist but this leads to stress and when we feel stressed, the OCD is much more difficult to control because the feelings become much more intense.

My checking though wasn’t my only problem. My health phobia also became worse. I would wash my hands thoroughly before leaving work and again when I got home. I was afraid of germs at work contaminating everything I touched in the car. I’d wash them Before and After using a toilet and I’d cover the toilet seat with paper, put a lot down the loo to stop splashes and even then avoid sitting. I used to block the loo so often at work!

I also tried to avoid using the phones at work because I was afraid of picking up germs from the earpiece so if the phone rang I’d try to not be in the room. I also tried to avoid handling food so I’d keep it covered in plastic or paper while I ate it.

On one occasion at work I was completing a form with lots of figures. I made a mistake but rather than just cross it out, I felt I had to re-do the whole form. My boss saw me do this because he saw me copying the figures from the incorrect form. He went potty! I felt so embarrassed but also so annoyed with myself that I couldn’t resist my OCD.

I used to avoid touching black bags because I connected the colour black with funerals. I felt that if I touched them and then touched something else, something bad would happen so I’d wash my hands after coming into contact with anything that was black. I wouldn’t even wear black clothes. I couldn’t cross the road behind black cars because of funeral cars so I’d stand there waiting for another car or keep walking on the same side of the road until another car came along. If people walked past me whilst I was doing something I’d connect their walking past me with the thought of “passing away” so I’d have to repeat the what I was doing. I also used to have to clock on and off but I’d wait for a “safe” number before I put my card in. If I read a book, I’d have to find a “safe” word before closing it and when I switched on/off the TV and radio I’d have to hear “safe” words or I’d switch on/off again until I felt ok.

I’d begin to avoid health programmes because I’d start feeling anxious and be unable to do anything while the programme was on. If something came on TV whilst I was doing something I’d have to wait and then repeat. I found doing jobs around the house or in the garden became very difficult because of intrusive thoughts. I’d have to repeat actions with “safe thoughts” to counteract the fearful thoughts. If I heard someone say a word or phrase that frightened me, I’d have to repeat whatever I was doing with a “safe” thought. I even pulled at what little hair I have and then I couldn’t stop until I it felt “safe”! Also when I cut my nails, I’d have to think of a “safe” thought before I could finish them.

All of these things began long before my other problems surfaced with panic attacks, self harm, suicidal thoughts, od’s etc or I began taking any form of medications. My OCD problems just went unnoticed and without any help to cure it. Eventually I went for therapy but I found that when I was at therapy I was ok because these things only happened at home or at work. I was also much later given Seroxat but I found the side-effects made me feel really ill so I stopped taking them. I also tried various other medications for general anxiety.

When things became too much and I’d simply had enough of these rituals, I started to try and help myself. I started to ignore my intrusive thoughts as just fears based on bad memories from my past. This was very difficult because the compulsion to repeat things was hard to resist but once I’d tackled one once and nothing happened, it gave me the confidence to ignore other frightening thoughts.

I began trying to resist my rituals by not letting myself repeat actions despite the anxiety I felt. I found that the more I repeated actions, the more anxious I became. If I only did things once regardless of my thoughts, I found the anxiety would decrease much faster without me feeling stressed out and depressed by it.

If I was afraid of touching something, I’d push myself to touch and resist washing my hands etc. I had to prove to myself there was actually nothing to be afraid of and they were just irrational thoughts based on past fears, such as illness or "getting in trouble by accident", which may also have been created by bad experiences.

If I had fearful thoughts or worries, I’d not allow myself to dwell on them by thinking of other “enjoyable” things to think of and focus on them. The more I distracted my mind, the less the intrusive thoughts frightened me.

I found the more I tried to fight off the frightening thoughts with “safe” thoughts, the more the frightening thoughts would occur. They seemed to enjoy bugging me and getting me to repeat things.

These days I’m able to do so much more with my time because I’m not hampered by rituals because of fears. I wouldn’t say I’m cured because the thoughts still occur but I am now more able to ignore them.

As you can see, I was badly affected by OCD so I know how difficult and frightening it is to resist repeating rituals. If we try to fight off the frightening thoughts, they’ll come back even more so. It’s very hard to do but once we stop being afraid of them and let them through us as “just thoughts”, then the repeating rituals become much easier to resist and we feel much less stressed out.

When we encounter a frightening thought, we try repeating a ritual or counteract the thought with a “safe” thought to stop the anxious feelings but because we prevent ourselves from experiencing the feelings, they always return and so the cycle continues.

Once we allow ourselves to experience the anxious feelings, they Do gradually subside, so our confidence builds. It is actually the anxious feelings that we’re afraid of rather than the thoughts themselves. The thoughts are just the triggers to those feelings and those thoughts are from our past bad experiences. They’re just built on fearful memories that are still with us Because they created fear within us. Once we stop being afraid of the thoughts by treating them as thoughts like any other thought we have, then the anxious feelings that make us repeat actions will also subside and the thoughts stop being so intrusive when we try to do things. To be crude, if we go to the loo whilst we think of a frightening thought, we can’t retrieve anything to repeat the action so we should treat other items in the same way.

There is Always a way to learn to cope with the issues that cause our anxiety.

[emilshere]

I have tried to stop doing the ritual to prevent the bad thought from happening.. and I dont find that the panic subsides over time.. I once went 3 days and the panic steadily was eating me alive until I had to do the ritual and try to undo the thought.

[Bill]

Let's try looking at it a different way. Try visualising you're going to win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire. Firstly, let me know if you win and I'll give it a go too. Secondly, some may say winning millions would be brilliant but others might feel frightened to win so much so to them it would actually be a bad thought. Either way I doubt that hinking it would make you win otherwise there would be too many winners for them to pay out.

Our minds think constantly - millins of thoughts every day - but the vast majority we totally ignore. The ones that keep coming back are often the frightening ones and it's because they frighten us that they don't leave us alone. As soon as one comes back, we tense up and try to resist it. We fight it by trying to make our minds cancel it out by thinking of something else or performing a ritual to ease the panic we're feeling. We create a rollercoaster of anxiety from extreme highs of anxiety to extreme relief - instantly. The way to stop the rollercoaster is to allow the peaks to come down gradually however long it takes. If we give in to the panic, the rollercoaster starts again because we haven't allowed ourselves to de-sensitise ourselves from that particular frightening thought. It's our sensitivity to a particular fear that creates instant panic so like all fears, when we prove to ourselves we have nothing to fear, that thought then no longer frightens us.

If someone is terrified of spiders, they'll run out the room as soon as they see one to relieve their panic but as soon as another spider appears, they feel the need to run ever time. If however, they stood their ground and gradually moved closer to a spider until they reached a point where they could catch it themselves or even hold it, the fear that the spider originally created would be non-existent.

The same applies to frightening thoughts. It's like seeing the picture of a spider in our minds and trying to run away from it by building a wall or removing ourselves from it by trying to create a safe place in our minds.

Not performing a ritual doesn't stop a frightening thought from coming back and does does performing a ritual prevent them. They come back because they frighten us, because they cause us to tense up and panic.

If you think of cream cake, does the thought frighten you? Probably not. Try thinking of a cream cake. Does the thought of the cream cake keep coming back? No, unless you're starving! The thought of a cream cake doesn't frighten you, you don't tense up, you don't panic, you don't feel the need to perform a ritual, you don't feel te need to resist doing a ritual. The thought doesn't trouble you.

It doesn't matter what our minds think, they are All just thoughts so we have to learn to treat all thoughts in exactly the same way whether they're of a cream cake or of spiders. We have to tell ourselves they are just thoughts and nothing bad will happen because we think of them, otherwise we would all be winning the lottery. Allow the thoughts to "go through you" by telling yourself it's just another silly thought that our minds have created because we're bored, stressed or both.

If we saw a ghost and it said "Boo" we might run. If we stayed where we were and said "Boo" back to it, what would the ghost do? Nothing because it's power is it's ability to frighten us and that's al it can do just as a frightening thoughts power is simply in it's ability to cause fear. Say "Boo" back to your frightening thought to show you're not afraid of it and in time it'll melt away just like a ghost.

Honestly, over the years I used to get lots of frightening thoughts and would have to perform rituals but I know they're all just thoughts and the anxious feelings will always pass in time, but it does take time sometimes. If you saw a lion, the fear of seeing it wouldn't disappear in a day. It could take much longer but if you can persevere, the next time the lion appears it won't frighten you because you'll have proved to yourself it can't actually do any harm other than cause you anxious feelings which feel frightening if you allow it to bully you.

Often it's not the frightening thought that we're afraid of but instead the frightening feelings the thought creates which we then feel we have to find a way to stop but they always go away on their own in time if we keep reminding ourselves they're just thoughts like cream cakes, spiders or winning the lottery. I bet you can't make a cream cake appear...but if you do I'd ike one!

Seriously, I hope that helps because I do understand how you feel.

[emilshere]

Thanks for taking the time to write such a helpful ad lengthy reply... You seem to understand the way I feel.... The belief that my thoughts will create reality is so ingrained into my belief system that I don't know how to believe differently... its like trying to tell someone who was raised catholic that there is no God... know what I mean? but I have started to try and resist reacting to every "bad visualization" I have. I have been having mixed results... usually I can last a day or two but then I panic and have to undo the thought... the worry builds so much .... Thanks for your help