Feel I'm letting my family down:(

[Bonnibelle]

I had no idea where to post this as I've a mixture of anxieties recently.

I'm 33, married with 3 beautiful children, they are my absolute world and I adore them so much.


I've had anxiety since I was 19, it just comes and goes, always been about my health and I've coped. 8 years ago after my second child was born I took medication for health anxiety and depression. I was at my lowest point so I gave into medication and I had CBT. It helped and since then I've suffered anxiety blips here and there but coped fine, I only took meds for a year and they helped at the time.


The year hasn't been good for me. I'm crying as I type this so I'm sorry for any typing errors, I can't see too well, lol! In January I started with female issues which went on for 6 months, I eventually started the pill and now I'm totally fine which is great. That 6 months though wasn't nice feeling so drained from heavy bleeding, tests, appointments etc... My anxiety was a bit high. Then suddenly in July my lovely Nan died suddenly from pneumonia, I've never got over losing her and I cry for her daily. We were very close and I'd even go as far to say she was like a mum to me when my mum wasn't. I had a tough childhood and my nan was always there for me.


I noticed after my nan died I wasn't myself, I stopped sleeping, tearful, I became quite withdrawn...... But then in September my brother started making accusations that I'd 'grassed' him to social services for hitting his son. It caused me immense stress. He has serious issues, he's on meds but they don't work. He's out of control with his anger, last year he came to my house punched my husbands pulled my wall down, told my son to F off (my son abs since suffered awful anxiety). I cut my brother and his fiancée off as they were making me ill. He trashes his house, threatens people, threatens to kill himself.......I could go on, he's not a nice person. It's day in September he rung me being so nasty, then I passed him later on in his car and he swerved to run me off the road. I went to the police station for safety, I was on my way home. He ran into the station and went to attack me, scaring me to death. He was arrested and he's now not allowed near me.


My so called family haven't helped. They all felt sorry for him saying he's ill and paranoid and even though he has hit his son etc... He can't help it. My sisters cut me off and my mum took his side despite me being the one hurt and traumatised. My mum saw sense and apologised, she and her partner laid into my brother about it. He also out threats to have me killed on his Facebook and twitter, all very frightening,


After that day I stopped going out more and more. I now struggle to go out of the house, I can't sit down and watch TV without tapping my foot with anxiety, I hold my body and head tense 24/7, I'm jumpy over every noise, I can't watch TV if anything is violent or raised voices, I'm scared of every symptom I have, I've constant anxiety....... It's a living nightmare.


I gave in and took my GPS advice and started anti depressants on Friday. I can't take SSRI meds after an allergic reaction so I'm back on Dosulepin, which I was on 8 years ago. Im only on 25mg and my GP thinks they will help me very soon. The only thing is they are raising my anxiety because they aren't advised to prescribe these anymore due to their danger in overdose (which obviously I'm not going to do) and also affects on the heart (cardiac arythmia) I had palpitations last night and this morning, I scared myself silly and ran to my GP panicking, saying I can't be on meds that have these dangers:( He tried his best to reassure me, he said I need meds now and counselling to get over the traumas I've been through, I agree but I'm so scared the meds will make me worse:((


In the last 2 weeks I've also been suffering with a tight heavy, warm back of the head that feels so heavy and warm that it makes me woozy when I walk,also my legs are heavy. GP said its anxiety but me being me I am concerned why my head feels warm just down the back, why I feel woozy and like lead:( feels like I'm walking on a moving bus:/ Can anyone relate?


I just feel so sad. I love my children, they are my world and I want to be me again for them:((( what if I can't? What if I let them down and these meds kill me or make me even more unwell?


My husband goes back to work Wednesday and I'm dreading it, I will be lost without him:( he's been great.


Thank you all for listening if you got this far, I just really needed to get out how I feel:((((

[panickyme]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish there was something I could do that would help you feel better. I as so glad you wrote your brother out of your life, you definitely don't need that. ( no wonder you are a nervous wreck) Anxiety has gotten to you, and I truly believe (although not a Doctor) you are really anxious with all that you have been through. Anxiety/panic is cruel, and can really make us feel so bad. I think you will be fine on that medicine, under your Doctors care, he will monitor you, and counseling will do you wonders. Your children are very lucky to have a mommy who cares so much,and you will find the strength to be there for them. You need to take care of you right now, and you will great for them. I hope everything works out for you, and I will be here if you need to talk. Try to have a Happy New year!!!!! Sending you a big hug.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate it, I'm having an awful night with my anxiety and symptoms worrying me.

Hopefully 2013 will be a better year and I will feel better soon xx

[panickyme]

Anytime, I hope it gets better for you, but know that you are not alone, there are really good people on here, and great post also, that might help you feel better.

[Annie0904]

After reading all that I am not surprised you are so anxious, bless you, you have gone through so much. The world can seem like such a cruel place sometimes. You have a beautiful family and I can tell you are an excellent Mum. have you had any counselling such a CBT? I really think this will help you. I am starting intensive psychotherapy in the New Year as I have also had a lot going on in the past that needs dealing with. Your Nan sounds like she was a lovely person and I am sure you have many treasured memories of her. big hugs xx

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Pearl I sorry that you are suffering form depression and anxiety. My Father died last year and his elder sister in her eighties will no longer talk to us. It is a dreadful situation and another Aunt has decided that she doesn't want anything to do with us.His cousin who he grew up with is in a nursing home and his wife has not turned her back on us. You might need some counselling to deal with your bereavement. It would appear that your brother is not in any position to have a 'normal' relationship with you at the moment. That might change some time in the future. I have previously taken high doses of dothiepin 175mg- 200mg for fourteen years. I have become well from serious suicidal depression and anxiety. I have been well for four and half years now. I am currently taking lithium and mirtazapine. I wish you well. EJ

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you all xxx it's so nice to know I've support because right now I feel so alone, I've only got my husband:(((

Annie, yes I had cbt years ago which helped for health anxiety. I've been referred for therapy (gp told me last week he'd referred me) and I've had counseling with a psychologist to deal with my childhood. My dad was always out drinking, my mum struggled and I had to help bring up my siblings from a young age. I saw alot of violence and got caught in it often being the eldest. My family are very fiery and they always fight and shoot, very hot header. It's only me and my younger sister that are relaxed and nice, we don't lash out.

I really hope Dosulepin helps me, I'm scared it won't:(((( I'm so scared of the heart problems it can cause:((( x

[Annie0904]

You must stop worrying about it causing heart problems. My GP isn't even worried about that with me because he says it is only in overdose and he knows I won't do that. Try to be positive, you have done so well even though you have had so many problems in the past you are a really strong lady and you are bringing your children up so well. Think of 2013 as the year you are going to fight this anxiety. I woke up yesterday and told my husband that I am not going to let my past ruin my present or future any more. I know it isn't going to be easy and it may get worse for a while with the therapy but we can do this, we really can. xx

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you Annie, you're lovely. We can do this. I keep saying to myself, what other option do I have, it's fight it or give up and I won't do that to my children.

I'm just panicking at the moment about the warm feeling down the back of my head, it's warm, tight, heavy and achy, it sends me off balance and I can't Leo but worry about it today:( xx

[Annie0904]

You were very tired last night and it could be from that, I am feeling a bit the same myself tonight but I didn't sleep well last night...thought I was going to end up in Oz it was so windy! having a quiet night in tonight. our neighbour invited us over but we have decided to stay at home x