Hi there, I'm new to this forum.. Signed up to it becos I'm gettin pretty desperate :-( I started having random severe panic attacks at 18 which over the yrs have manifested into crippling anxiety an endless rounds of madness and fears! I go through periods were I'm ok then it all starts again countless trips to hospital, ambulances, doctors, therapists yep iv ran the nhs gauntlet ! I used to fear only illness, heart disease, brain related stuff, dvts, current one meningitis... And good old HIV ! Now iv got so bad that if people even touch my head it ruins my day incase they have gave me an injury and killed me.. I can't go to clubs incase I get hit in head or drink spiked or some other horrendous thing. My 3 yr old beautiful baby makes me paranoid when she comes near me incase she hits my head, I'm scared to take any medication apart from paracetamol becos of the insane urge it get to read the side effects of anything an then yep u guessed it I will deffo be that one in 10 thousand who gets that heart condition from it or maybe I will die from an allergic reaction... My life is ruined I can't remember who I am anymore I have changed so dramatically over the years. Iv lost myself. I live in a near enough constant state of anxiety, depression, illness, fear. I feel like there's a black cloud over my mind. I get so irritable and snappy and can't bear to be touched by even my daughter at times as it can make my skin crawl. I hate what iv become! I used to be loud, cheeky, flamboyant... Now I'm plain and scared... Sometimes when I'm having a good day I can still be loud an funny then bam in a blink of the eye my mood flips. I'm so edgy... I know I'm going to die young I feel certain of it I'm not going to see my beautiful girl grow up... I'm never going to be happy.. How has this happened to me ? I do all kinds of mad things like write wills an leave food low down incase I die in my sleep an no one knows an she is alone in house with my body so she can eat till some one finds her... It makes me cry I love her so much but sometimes I feel like I'm being a terrible mother and a person. And I'm definitely sure I'm going to hell when I die iv done such bad things in past an still to this day continue to do so... Sorry for long post I'm having a bad day