Have let everyone down- Anxiety is ruining my life

[HollieeB]

So have only done a couple of posts on here in the past. but today has been awful and I need to write everything down and hopefully get some advice.

So I remember feeling anxious a lot as a child, and now I do actually think I had OCD, I was really paranoid about my parents arguing, and used to say to myself "if I dont get out of bed and move that book they will argue".. things along that line... every minuet of the day. But no one knew and I thought it was normal (I was about 10).

Anyway, I hated school but just got on with it, I used to fake being ill so I didnt have to go in etc etc etc. Then I got to year 10 (doing my GCSE's- age 15 ish) and I started getting bullied, My friends were getting fed up as I always used to be like "okay so you will be out side room number 5 at lunch time yeah? as in straight when lunch starts? or a bit after? okay make sure you are there". So my friends started turning on my too, calling my clingy etc. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, and cry when my alarm went off in the morning, and cry when I was walking to school, and I basically cried all the time. I had weeks off at a time, but eventually I finished my exams and planned to go to college.

I lasted 2 days at college. and thats when I experience my first full blown panic attack, my mum took me to the doctors and they basically told me to go away and deal with it. So mine and my mums relationship fell apart, because I refused to go to college and she didn't know what to do with me. I saw a different doctor and was put on sertraline which im still on (150mg), and they refereed my to the child mental health services for CBT. so this was almost 2 years ago, and I still havent gone back to college, got a job etc etc, it got really bad at one point where I couldnt even leave the house, and had panic attacks all the time, and anxiety stopped me from doing anything. and because I turn 18 in a couple of weeks I can't have any more CBT sessions, and I cannot be refereed to the adult services because Im not 'bad' enough.

sorry this is long. almost there.

Anyway, I decided to try and get better on my own, so planned some work experience at a vets (that started today). I was so scared last night, I felt sick, but I was determined to do it, not just for me but for my family/mum as they have been through so much stress with me I wanted to show them I could do it. So I went in this morning, it was okay ish, but then after lunch there wasn't anything for me to do, and I just started crying. just stood there in front of everyone crying. I couldn't stop, then my chest went tight and I couldn't breath, then I felt sick. It was the worst thing ever. I told them I didnt feel well and they let me go home. my mum picked me up and i just went into an absolute mess, couldnt think straight etc and I have refused to go back. nothing anyone says can make me go back. and I dont know what to do, because my family are so dissapointed in me, they want me to go back tomorrow but I physically can't.

So im all alone and I don't know what to do.

[bagpuss75]

Hi there, hope you're feeling a bit better now.
First of all, well done for organising the work experience and actually going. That's a massive thing to do, and for trying to sort it on your own, it takes a strong person to take those steps.
You haven't let anyone down either, you said you felt ill, that's fine. People do feel ill, it's not a problem.
Can you pinpoint what started the anxiety?
Here to chat if you need to. I suffer a lot from anxiety, and did when I was younger. I have learnt to carry on with life through it, but it's still there, all the time in the background.

[jill]

Hi hun

WELL DONE, you achieved a lot hunny, I know you don't think so, but you did, there is NO FAIL we only fail if we don't try at all, you gave it ago and this took a lot of courage, you did GREAT, tell yourself this hunny please don't beat yourself up, you can always try again at a later date, please never say never just say....just not now....

If you could go back it would be great for YOU, see how you feel tomorrow. but if your physically can't. then there is always something else you can do, you can go back to your gp, tell him what you have written hear and how bad your are and ask for a referral to the adult mental health team or some therapy or counseling. Is there anyone who can go with you?

I know full well how hard it is to get the right support with mental health. I have supported my daughter for along time now and alot of things have not been straight forward. BUT there IS support out there FOR YOU, but you have to push for it.

Please hun take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, what you feel right now can change at any moment, FOR the better, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you had the guts to try something, OK you found it really hard, BUT YOU TRIED, and one day you will try again and YOU WILL succeed, please try and believe this.

Keep posting and venting, its good to talk/ learn all you can about panic/anxiety and what's just as important, learn about yourself...

YOU TAKE CARE....you did GREAT today

LOVE JILL XXX

[HollieeB]

Thankyou, I am trying to say to myself at least I tried, but my family are dissapointed (they haven't said it, but I know they are, I heard my mum on the phone to my nan and she was saying 'i thought this work experience was going to be the solution' and all that). and they dont understand how I feel, its so hard to explain that I physically cannot go back, I dont know how to put it into words for them :(

I have an appt with my gp next week, Im going to ask them to change my medication as I have been on sertraline for so long now and it has stopped working- are there any other meds i could try??? i've already tried citalopram which didn't work.

I feel like everyone just thought CBT would work- and I really struggles with it and still feel like I haven't got anywhere. I feel like the NHS want me to be suicidal before they will help

[Liziik]

Hello,
I just wanted to say a big well done you did so well just going to the work experience! That is something many of us wouldn't have been able to do!
I am 25 now but my anxiety started just like yours did thoughts of 'something bad might happen if I don't do something' this was around age 10-12 then at school I found things tough although I was very good at hiding it. College was much of the same if there was ever a class outing I would breakdown in floods of tears and refuse to go and then hate myself for not being able to go and worry what people might say.
I left college and was still very good at hiding anxiety making excuses to get away from social events etc.
I am much better now I'm still anxious in some situations but I have methods in place to help me through those tough situations such as having 'my space' if I feel things are getting to me I take myself away from the situation wether it's sitting somewhere on my own or going for a walk this helps me. Also takin the positives from a situation for instance right now your probably thinking you failed because you had to leave forget that feeling and concerntrate on what you did do! You went! That is such a big thing remember that. And don't forget that took so much courage but you did it so concerntrate on yourself and be proud.
I know it's hard but don't worry about your family's feelings they love you unconditionally do this for yourself and be proud of everything you do.
It took me 5 attempts to find a doctor that fully understood me and how I felt.
Please don't feel disheartened and sad I'm proud of you and I don't know you keep smiling xx

---------- Post added at 11:22 ---------- Previous post was at 11:15 ----------

Thankyou, I am trying to say to myself at least I tried, but my family are dissapointed (they haven't said it, but I know they are, I heard my mum on the phone to my nan and she was saying 'i thought this work experience was going to be the solution' and all that). and they dont understand how I feel, its so hard to explain that I physically cannot go back, I dont know how to put it into words for them :(

I have an appt with my gp next week, Im going to ask them to change my medication as I have been on sertraline for so long now and it has stopped working- are there any other meds i could try??? i've already tried citalopram which didn't work.

I feel like everyone just thought CBT would work- and I really struggles with it and still feel like I haven't got anywhere. I feel like the NHS want me to be suicidal before they will help

Just wanted to say your family would say things like that, they cant understand unless they have lived it, they just want the best for you but in wanting te best they think it's in their eyes 'easy' and they cannot understand how someone can struggle with something they feel is 'easy' if that makes any sense.
One thing I said to my bf which helped him understand was this 'imagine you worst fear' his was frogs he absolutely hates them intact he passes out if he sees them!! Lol I told him to imagine being in a room with 10 frogs and no escape I asked him how this would make him feel? He said words couldn't express the fear and panic going through his mind. I said that's how I feel everyday.

I haven't taken any meds for my anxiety but hopefully Someone else will comment with what they take

P.s sorry about the spelling damn iPhone has a mind of its own!!

[jayjoe18]

Hi Hollie, firstly well done for setting up that work experience and going despite your anxiety, that's very brave and your family should really be pleased that you even made it in the first place. Do they know how bad your anxiety/thoughts have gotten? Your story really reminds me of myself, I started with anxiety when I was about 13 and it gradually got worse to the point I lost all my friends and stopped going to school in my final years so taught myself my GCSE's and just went to school to sit each exam. I lost my friends because I became so shy and withdrawn, nobody knew what was happening, what was wrong, I didn't even know. All I knew is I was so anxious all the time and hated school. So that lead to people thinking I was being bullied, which only made me feel worse and more isolated. I thought things would get better when I went to sixth form, make friends, etc, but like you I didn't last long there, I dropped out after the first term after having lots of absences. I just couldn't cope. During all this I did have therapy and went to a group therapy sort of day centre. I also developed health anxiety and had CBT like you. It helped my health anxiety but my social anxiety was never adressed. To this day infact it's been acknowledged but never treated successfully. I too left the old CBT as I turned 18 and had a period of about 2 years before this year when I started CBT again (after waiting 8 months!!). I'm now 20. Again though I'm being treated for another phobia that's stemmed from my social anxiety and not actually the social anxiety! I'm no better to this day then I was before, infact I'm worse. I haven't had a job, I missed out on all those things like proms, going to uni etc. It's really hard, you just don't know what to do, how to get your life back. The difference with me is that my mum has been very understanding and helpful as she also suffered anxiety when she was younger. But in the early days I remember many arguments and frustration because I wouldn't go to school/college. That was because people didn't really know what was going on at first. I remember once my mum literally dragged me out of bed and down the stairs to school, it was horrible but I know she/family were only concerned. Of course nothing helped, it's not something that can easily be fixed sadly. Your family really need to know how bad things are for you, some people think it's just 'teenage years' but don't realise the severity sometimes. Can you maybe show your mum your post? It's stometimes easier than speaking to each other. I'm suprised that your doctor won't refer you back to CBT, clearly they must think your 'bad enough' if they sent you for CBT in the first place? I can't believe sometimes the failings in mental health, it's so frustrating! Are you able to see another doctor? I haven't ever taken medication but this is probably my next step. As I don't have any experience with meds I can't really give any advice other than that you should talk to your doctor about the possibility of changing. Each drug works differently for everyone so maybe the one your on now isn't helping but another one hopefully would. It's trial and error really from what I've heard. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long winded post, I just really wanted to message you to let you know your not alone in this! Please PM me if you want to chat x

[HollieeB]

Hiya jayjoe18, your situation is very similar to mine. My mum is quite understanding now, well sort of, we get on a lot better and are really close, but she thinks i should just get on with things, when I physically can't, its so hard to explain to people who have never been through it. Its not the fact the doctor wont refer me for CBT, its that they can't refer anyone to Adult services unless they are absolutely desperate- i.e. suicidal because of all the financial cuts, which is ridiculous. Also, because I turn 18 CAMHS can't even finish my treatment, I just find all of this absurd.

Thanks so much, I should really come on here more often, it really helps to know people have/are in the same situation as me, anxiety is the worst thing I have ever been through and would not wish is upon my worst enemy.