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  #1  
Old 13-09-13, 14:48
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gem7 gem7 is offline
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Post went to porthcawl

on wednesday first got cab down to town then while walking i found it hard to hold my head up high but managed to do it then when i got to the bus station looked on board to check what stand to go to for to get bus i couldnt wait in the bus station was starting to feel panic so waited out side the doors away from other people bus was in but was changeing drivers then when i got on bus to calm me i played music whitch helped to calm me down abit but the bus wasnt that full thank god then got off at nottage road to go to park dean to meet my friend she walked down from her caravan to meet me she was with her brother and dad shes staying down for a week she was going to meet me on monday but she let me down but was lovely to see her again havent seen her in years gave her a hug then we went bowling and swimming went down the slide twice then after that i notice it made me nervous then i started to feel abit strange again then my speech went bad was starting to stutter then went to her caravan for a cup of tea and biscuits then went for a game of pool before going to get bus then she walked me and my sister to the bus stop with her dad he got on with us cos he was going home too so in all i would say i had a good day but she said to see me today friday but she texted me said do you mind if we give tomorrow a miss she said sorry hun i hope you understand then i bursted out crying when i got home on wed i said did she want me to come down still on friday she put i do want u to come down again then next day yesterday afternoon she texted me and let me down for friday got my hopes up was looking forward in seeing my friend again before she goes back to london tomorrow and shes my best friend some best friend dont let each other down they keep promises i cryed twice yesterday today i feel low i think its to do with way i am why she dont want to meet again i said i understand u dont want to be seen with me again she put back i did not say that i was happy to see u yesterday had a lovely few hours so no it has nothin to do with the way u are so there you go but least i made progress and went out on wed i am proud going on the bus was hard but hey i did it

Last edited by gem7; 13-09-13 at 15:24.
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  #2  
Old 13-09-13, 16:01
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Edie Edie is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

Yay, well done for getting out, and I'm glad you were rewarded with a nice day with your friend. I'm sorry she was too busy to see you again. It sounds like she enjoyed your company, but is just too busy. Try and think about your lovely day out and how well you coped to cheer you up a bit. You deserve to be proud, not sad.
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  #3  
Old 13-09-13, 18:23
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gem7 gem7 is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

thanks now i dont feel like leaveing the house anymore now for a while but the fact is she should not of said to meet again on friday and her dad said see us friday too then she text me yesterday said can we give friday a miss i would of understood if she let me down the once but she let me down on monday too i never do that let my friends down if i say i am going to do something or meet on a day i do it thats not being a good friend other wise she said she be down again in november but then i got plans to go to butlins for 3days but she didnt say what date she be down but i got a feeling if she did say day and i said to go down i think she would do the same and just cancel then make it for another day yesterday my mind was so muddled & felt like was going crazy this anxiety is getting beyond the joke why cant i just be my old self again this year my anxiety has been really at its worsed i find it hard everytime i have to leave the house its a struggle beening out its hard but like on wednesday i pushed through even tho half way through the day felt nervous then my stutter went bad thats the first time i went on a bus to porthcawl in years i would of made more progress if i left the house again today if my friend didnt cancel but yesterday and today been back in my comfort zone in my room my sister is great she brings food up to me and tea i only just went down stairs for a packet of crisps i been in my room all day i always stay in my room only in the evening about 7pm i go down stairs to watch abit of telly then i go to bed by 11pm

---------- Post added at 17:23 ---------- Previous post was at 16:58 ----------

also i forgot to say before i was going to leave the house on wednesday i felt sick i was sick alittle i hate when i do make a plans to go out just thinking about it knocks me sick anxiety is so horrible i hate it next plan to go out be now october for my sisters birthday i feel so bad i havent got her anything only a card but she understands i will buy her something on the day to make it up to her i go to shop with her and get something this anxiety is ruining my life
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  #4  
Old 14-09-13, 11:08
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gypcyg gypcyg is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

Well done for going out - Try to remember in the future that absolutely nothing bad happened to you at all!!! Just because your friend cancelled yesterday didn't mean that you couldn't have still gone out - why didn't you go for a walk? The kids were at school and people were at work so the streets and parks were quiet. You should try to have a walk every day as the body needs fresh air and sunshine.

If your friend didn't want to see you then she wouldn't have told you she was in the area. Yes, she was wrong to cancel twice but you haven't given her reasons so I can't really comment. One day when you beat your anxiety you will be so busy that you might cancel a meeting with one of your friends, then you will see that it's not done out of malice or negative feelings, it's more a case of having too much to do in such a little amount of time.

Finally - you could buy your sister a present over the internet you know - Ebay is full of bargains and ideas.
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  #5  
Old 14-09-13, 17:05
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gem7 gem7 is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

thanks after she cancelled felt like there was no point in going out or even for a walk dont feel up to it rather be in my comfort zone her reasons were why she cancelled on monday she said sorry hun we've got shopping to do and i have not seen my dad yet fridays reason was cos its our last day and we are all spending our last day together be for me and my mum go home well saying that i am her best friend she should have wanted me there too even if it was just for three hours should not of let me down all together and a few weeks back in a text she said i am like a sister to her as well as a friend if i beat my anxiety if ever whitch i hope i do dont matter how busy i get i never cancel on a friend i never do that thanks for idea thats great one problem i dont have a credit card and stuff online is always dear its more cheaper to buy in shops i will still buy her something on the day she told me what she wants katy perrys new perfume so i will get her that

Last edited by gem7; 14-09-13 at 17:30.
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  #6  
Old 14-09-13, 21:50
Tessar Tessar is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

Well done gem. Look at the positives here. You achieved a great deal didn't you...?? So, what might be next? You could do some bits & pieces between the bigger things you are managing periodically.as gypcyg said, nothing happened to you. Going for a walk every day is the best thing for you. I highly recommend it. After all, you can have a walk, or ride into town on the bus, sit n the park... whatever.... and once that's done, you can come home to your comfort zone happy and proud in the knowledge you have made a step in the right direction. How about it? You can keep saying to yourself you won't go out again or it's not necessary, you don't feel like it etc. but if you really want to progress, I really do assure you it is worth making these little adjustments and taking that stroll or whatever it is. One little thing every day. Bit by bit, before long you'll find yourself doing a couple of things, then three, then four and so on, that is the way forward. And well done again for your achievement.
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  #7  
Old 15-09-13, 14:36
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gem7 gem7 is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

thanks i dont like going out on my own it was hard just going out for that one day if it wasnt for my sister willing to take me i would of been stuck to go but i said i didnt want to let my friend down but my sister is a good sister she put off what she was doing so she could take me i just cant handle going out anymore at the mo feel low feel strange its hard to explain just going on the bus once was bad anuff for me so no thank you no bus rides for me for a while i think i have made abit of progress been out three times in august and just once in sep bit of confidence i did have to leave the house is gone trying to prepair myself for the next time lucky octobers not here yet so i have bit of time just to be in my comfort zone i dont like the panic i feel when out when i was in swimming pool i didnt like the crowds but was trying to cope best i could the bowling was the only time i felt calm and more myself its hard being out too when you think little of yourself like i do as i said to you before about my low self esteem and i get ashamed embarassed when i stutter in public it never used to be this bad but since anxiety has gotten worse so has that like i said in nov i am going to butlins but dont know how the hell i am going to cope for 3days when its hard going out just for the one day its getting harder i struggle beening out its hard just to try and hold my head up high thinking people are looking at me and judgeing me like when i was playing pool with my friend two woman were looking but was trying to just look away but it made me nervous wonder why sometimes i was missing the ball or keep on potting the white ball i did pot a few even my sister notice they were looking and whispering but for now i just rather be in my room just hope i am not like this forever cant stand being like this anymore

Last edited by gem7; 16-09-13 at 14:42.
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  #8  
Old 17-09-13, 09:44
suki300 suki300 is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

Hi, I remember feeling like you years ago, it is probably one of the most unpleasant things I've ever been through. I remember I had to walk through town by myself because I had a job across the other side. I was really worried something awful would happen each journey and would end up running home to get back before I collapsed and died.

It started when I had a God almighty panic attack in Leeds, suddenly the buildings seemed huge and the crowds made me feel claustrophobic and I couldn't cope. i don't know how i made it back to the office, but I did and the manager called an ambulance - what made it worse was they stuck those heart monitor stickers on me - so I was convinced I would die. It took them three hours and a duty psychologist to convince me I wouldn't die.

From then on, I couldn't bear being outside (or inside even). However, I did CBT and it gradually got better. I've had the odd blimp and even years later a fleeting moment in a supermarket, but I can always convince myself I'm fine, i no longer have to run out of the supermarket.

It's interesting that you focus on your stuttering and when you think other people focus on other things. For me it was that I would collapse in the street and die, but I know some who won't leave the house without make up.

What I mean is that everyone around you is focusing on their worries, things you wouldn't guess. Like "if I don't go out of the house without make up everyone will look at me and think I look awful", even though the reality is that no-one would. Stuttering I can understand why you might think the whole world would focus on you stuttering, but i think anyone's reaction is "they've got a stutter", but remember there is no ridicule in this, it's just an observation and then you have to remember most people won't notice.

I'm coming from the viewpoint of a non-stutterer. I can promise you, it's not something people pay any attention to, just like my friend who can't be seen without make-up, they just wouldn't even notice, because they're all going about their own lives, worrying about their own problems.

We think we live in a big bad frightening world. in reality i think it's quite the opposite - people do care, they're not looking around with a big critical eye waiting to laugh at people, waiting for them to trip up (apart from the odd silly child, and to look cool to them, you'd have to wear pants halfway down your backside).

I understand it is just this big relentless cycle when you're going through it, but you can get over it. Don't know if you're getting any help at the moment. It's good to try and set yourself little targets, like you have done (you don't have to go through great big challenges, just small ones). Don't expect it to go overnight, embrace any little step you complete and remember it's not a race, I know you want to get rid of your fears, but don't beat yourself up if things go a bit wrong.

Good luck
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  #9  
Old 17-09-13, 12:59
Tessar Tessar is offline
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Re: went to porthcawl

great advice suki
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  #10  
Old 17-09-13, 16:04
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Re: went to porthcawl

thank you for your kind words suki no i am not getting no help at the moment i had bad experience with seeing someone there werent very nice was snotty so that scares me to see someone else also it was arrange for me to go to arc someone was going to come to the house then i had to cancel cos of my autie dyeing that was in feb but i was scared about them coming to the house anyway even when people come to the house i get scared i feel so stupid like when my sister pays landlord i always run up stairs or run in the kitchen for him not to see me not long renew contract i had to sign to my sister had to bring it up stairs for me to sign it too as i dont like to see him anyway if anyone comes to door i either dont open it or if i know someones coming i let my sister talk to them while i hide till they go but that if anyone comes in the evening cos i am mostly upstairs anyway just in my room as i said only in the evening i sit down stairs and watch abit of tv just hope oneday i will be free of this and just carry on like normal & just start getting on with life again
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