My personal story - thinking about the root causes of my anxiety/depression

[Sparkle1984]

Recently I’ve begun to think about the potential root causes of my anxiety, and why it keeps coming back. In the past, several people have said to me that knowing the root causes won’t necessarily help me, and that it is better to deal with my anxiety in the here and now. I can understand that view, but I still think that knowing the root causes will help me come to terms with the anxiety a bit more, as then I’ll have a better understanding of how I ended up here.

Most of my posts on this forum have been replies to other people, and I know this may sound a bit silly but sometimes I’ve felt shy about asking for help for myself! But now I feel like I really need to think about the root causes in order to be able to move on.

There are several traumatic events in my childhood which could have contributed to my anxiety:
1) My parents getting divorced when I was about 4 or 5 years old. Although I can’t remember everything, it was a very turbulent time for my family and there were a lot of ill feelings and arguments etc. I can’t go into too much detail about this on a public forum, but sometimes I was scared and I hid myself away.

2) Both my grandfathers died when I was very young – the one on my father’s side of the family died when I was 4, and the other when I was 7. They were both only in their mid-60s and their deaths were sudden and unexpected. This meant I was exposed to the concept of death at a very early age. My grandfather on my mother’s side of the family died whilst on holiday abroad with my grandmother, which made it extra traumatic as it meant we didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to him.

3) I have Asperger’s Syndrome, but as this condition wasn’t really well known until the late 90s, I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 16. This meant that I spent most of my childhood not knowing why I felt different to other children my age - I couldn’t understand why I found it hard to interact with others and had unusual mannerisms. (I was glad of the diagnosis as it meant I could come to terms with why I am different and that I no longer had to blame myself for my social difficulties. So I think it would have been easier for me if I had been diagnosed when I was a small child, and I would’ve been able to get more appropriate support).

4) Being badly bullied at primary school (both physically and emotionally). They picked on me because I was different and they knew I’d be too shy/scared to complain to the teacher or to stand up for myself.

The bullying was worst when I was about 8 years old, and then it got bad again when I was 11 (because in Year 6 I was placed in a class where the children on my bank of desks weren’t so nice to me). When I was 8, there was one boy in particular who was especially nasty towards me (he ended up being expelled as he was very disruptive in class).

When the bullying was bad, I remember each Sunday evening I would get feelings of dread that the weekend was about to come to an end and that I’d have to go back to school the following morning. I did enjoy learning, but the bullying made school difficult for me at that time and I used to dread it. I remember sitting in lessons in fear, worrying about whether one of the bullies would come up behind me and start violently shaking the back of my chair. During playtimes and lunch times I always tried to keep away from them. This meant I was often looking over my shoulder to see if they were nearby, and I felt on edge a lot of the time. I would try to stay with my friends whenever possible and I felt safer when I was with them, but they couldn’t be with me all the time.

Sometimes other children at primary school would talk about me and say bad things about me (eg that I was weird or stupid) as if I wasn’t there. Just because I was too shy to talk very much, that didn’t mean I couldn’t understand what people were saying about me. These comments would make me feel very hurt inside and contributed to my low self-esteem. Ironically, I did better at school than most of the people who picked on me.

Now for the questions – is it likely that these events from my childhood could have contributed to or triggered my anxiety, even though they are so far in the past? Do you think that talking to someone about these issues in depth would help me to deal with them?

My anxiety comes and goes in episodes that can last for weeks or months, and then I can go several months/years anxiety-free. I first started getting these episodes when I was 9 years old (I'm now 29). Sadly I was too scared to ask anyone for help until last year. Here’s a quick potted history of the episodes I’ve had:

9 years old – I went through a month of what I now realise was derealisation. I felt like everything was unreal and dreamlike.

10 years old – I got water in my ear when washing my hair one day, and I didn’t feel it come out again. This sparked an obsession with my hearing – I was worried that my hearing in my right ear would be permanently damaged and kept trying to check it, and I also noticed a buzzing sound in my ears which really scared me (it’s still there, but it doesn’t bother me anymore). This episode lasted a couple of months and I also felt derealised at times.

12 years old – I noticed these red pin-prick spots had started to form on my skin (mainly on my arms and legs). I was worried that it could be a sign of some serious disease, or that my whole body would end up covered in them. This obsession lasted for 2 to 3 months, and was worse than my previous episodes. I also felt very derealised and started obsessing about my heart-rate.

19 years old – I developed an obsession about solipsism (worrying that I was the only person in the world and everything/everyone else is a figment of my imagination). This episode was accompanied by severe derealisation and lasted for about 3 months before it gradually fizzled out.

23 years old – I developed an obsession about time (I was worried about whether it speeds up as you get older) and this led on to an obsession about death and dying. This was my most severe episode to date. It lasted 8 months and I had almost all of the common anxiety symptoms and also felt depressed. I had severe insomnia, heart palpitations, intrusive thoughts, severe muscle tension…you name it. I was still too embarrassed and scared to ask for help. Somehow, I still managed to cope with my job and didn't take any time off sick, even though I felt awful a lot of the time.

28 years old – Shortly after being offered a promotion at work, I accidentally left an important password on my desk before I went away on holiday. I spent several days worrying about whether someone would hack the system in my absence and I’d get the blame. I eventually emailed a colleague asking him to put the password away for me, which he did, but then my anxiety moved straight on to the theme of death and dying. At first, the obsession was about my parents getting old and dying, then it moved onto me getting older and eventually dying. Even when I got back off my holiday, the anxiety continued. I started getting thoughts like “What’s the point in anything if we all end up dying anyway?” I started to get very depressed. It got so bad that a few weeks later I found the courage to make an emergency appointment with my doctor to get help. I was prescribed citalopram and referred to a group CBT course. It worked and I felt a lot better within a few weeks.

29 years old (April this year!) – A few weeks after my withdrawal from citalopram, my anxiety came back in full force. It was the same theme as last year – ageing, death and dying. After about 6 weeks it had got so bad that I went back to the doctor’s and asked to restart my meds. This time around, I’m working through a self-help coursebook on mindfulness in addition to using my CBT techniques. I hope mindfulness will help me in the long-term.

Wow, that was a long post! Thanks if you've read this far! I do hope that one day I'll be able to fully recover from my anxiety and that it won't keep coming back again. If anyone has been through similar issues (especially the childhood issues), please let me know your thoughts and how you've dealt with it.

[WillyB]

Hi Sparkle,

Thank you for sharing your experiences, often just finding something I relate to in someone's post or story relieves worry or doubt. There are several things you mentioned which I can relate to in some way. I have also obsessed about my parents and family dying, worrying what it will be like, how will I cope, how will everyone else cope. With all this time spent worrying about it, that's time wasted we could be spending with them creating more memories to look back on.

I was also bullied, but not excessively, there were several kids that seemed to have it in for me. Even in my later school days there were older bullies that would make me feel so stressed and anxious. In my case I simply couldn't deal with the slightest of ill-treatment, even with the minimal bullying I was exposed to, I found it very difficult to deal with. The pre-class dread knowing you have to sit next to nasty kids who will pick on you and distract you from your work for the next hour was horrible. The sunday nights knowing you have to face it all again.

The ear obsession, I think I still have this. The wild thing is I would actually try get water in my ears, as I was scared they needed cleaning. However I'm fairly sure this has only damaged them more, I have constant ringing in them. I am rather frightened of this ringing getting worse, or losing my hearing completely.

And the de-realisation, this I have experienced before for over a year, however it had an actual physical cause. I was very sick one night as I was severely intoxicated (I had no idea how fast spirits got you drunk). My neck muscles didn't contract properly as I was sick, causing some weird damage. I thought I was hung over for 3 days, but after about a week I was sure something wasn't right. After doctors visits and an opticians visit, I had given up hope that I would ever feel normal again. I really felt like I was watching everything on a television, nothing seemed real and it was very distressing. I had all kinds of thoughts, am I in a coma? is this real? am I dreaming? After an entire year of this I saw an Ostipath who after a brief description of my problems, asked if I had been sick whilst drunk. I was shocked, but it clicked instantly. She told me what had happened to me, and from there after several appointments she had sorted my neck and I started to feel....real again.

With the severe anxiety and depression I have had over the past year, I have experienced this sensation sometimes, its a very nasty feeling, not feeling real is horrible.

As for your question, I'm not the wisest of people, but I'm sure I won't be the only person to believe your experiences have contributed greatly to your anxiety and depression. Although these things happened years ago, I think you've carried the effects of them with you over the years. As for talking to someone in depth about them, yes I think that would be very beneficial to you. I had my first therapy screening appointment a few weeks ago and I can't tell you how relieving it was just to completely open up in front of someone who really cares and understands what you have been through.

Thank you again for sharing your story

[Edie]

Hi Sparkle,

I also have Asperger's, but wasn't diagnosed until I was 25. Like you, the diagnosis was helpful for me and I wish I'd known earlier. I was lucky that I was not bullied in school, but I had no friends because people thought I was too weird. The diagnosis helped me to see it wasn't my fault, just that I am different, but after 15 years of thinking I was at fault it's hard to undo that!

I definitely think Asperger's, especially when diagnosed late, can lead to anxiety (and depression). Even after diagnosis, it can take a little while to work out what you're doing different and find better ways, or just acceptance. We do also seem to have a natural tendency to anxiety/OCD/intrusive thoughts type issues as well!

I haven't experienced my parents divorcing, but I know it's a difficult thing for many children. It sounds like it was particularly traumatic for you, and could well have left you scarred to go through something like that as such a young age.

I don't think an early bereavement necessarily leads to issues later. It all depends how it's handled by those supporting you - parents often struggle with this kind of thing if they are bereaved themselves, so might not have supported you the way you needed. But just the exposure to death, I don't think would cause issues by itself.

Anyway, it's positive that you've been back to the doctor now. I hope the Citalopram will kick in again soon. I hope the Mindfulness book will help you, but I do think you might also find it helpful to work with a therapist who can guide you through things tailored to you personally. So yeah, it might help to discuss these issues in more detail. You seem to have realistic hopes for what that might achieve (ie. understanding but not necessarily cure you completely). And maybe it could lead to some helpful coping mechanisms too.

[Sparkle1984]

Thank you for your replies. I do think it will help me to talk to someone about it. I felt better even after writing this post, as it was good to get everything out into the open. I'm a very private person and often find it difficult to talk about myself.

I've always found it difficult to make new friends. At primary school I had 3 close friends, but I had to go to a high school in a different area so I lost contact with them. Thankfully, after being at high school for a few weeks I made 3 new friends, and I'm still in contact with them now all these years later. Once I got to college and university, I didn't make any new friends at all. At university I studied IT so there weren't that many girls in my year group anyway. I lived at home during my degree course, but I did feel a bit isolated and left out at times, because it seemed like everyone else had friends there and I didn't.

Even now in adulthood, I haven't made any new close friends. I've been a member of a social club for nearly 5 years and although I get on well with the other members and enjoy the activities, I don't consider anyone there to be a close friend (ie someone who I'd talk to about personal issues).

In my previous company, I did try to make friends with my colleagues but it didn't really work - once any of them moved on to another job, or once I moved to another department, the friendships fizzled out and I didn't really hear from them any more. I did make an effort to keep in touch with the ex-colleagues who I got on well with, but after a while they would ignore my texts/emails so eventually I gave up on them. I felt hurt by this at the time (this was about 5 years ago), but in the last few years I've come to realise that it's very difficult to form lasting friendships with work colleagues unless you have something in common outside of work. So when I started working at my new company 3 and a half years ago, I didn't bother trying to be friends with any of my colleagues (I haven't even invited any of them to be a friend on Facebook), as I don't want to end up with hurt feelings like last time. My colleagues in my current job are all very kind people and I get on very well with them at work, but I don't consider them as close friends. Overall though, I'm much happier with my current company than my previous one as the people are nicer and the work suits me better.

With regards to my grandfathers dying - it's kind of strange as I didn't really feel that upset at the time, although I guess I was too young to understand death fully. I felt rather detached from the whole thing, as if it wasn't really happening. When my grandfather on my mother's side of the family died (when I was 7), it hit my mum really hard. She was absolutely devastated, especially as it was a sudden death (due to a heart attack). For several months afterwards, she was very low and often cried. I can still clearly remember when we received the phone call about my grandfather's death. At the time, I was at home with one of my sisters, and my mum was at work. My sister (who was 14 at the time) took the news really badly, and at one point she shouted and swore at me because I asked a question that she thought was flippant, but really it was too much for me to take in at that age, especially as it was such a shock. I didn't really understand that it meant he would never come back. So I do think that maybe I didn't get the support I needed at the time, as the rest of the family were suffering so much from their grief.

I remember sitting on the bed when I was about 7 or 8 years old, not long after my grandfather had died. I remember thinking to myself, that when you are dead, you will be dead forever. And then I would think to myself, "But how long *is* forever?" Would there be a time when "forever" would end and you would suddenly come alive again? Then I would suddenly remember the fact that forever is never ending. At that age I didn't know the word "infinity", but I knew that "forever" meant time with no end at all. And that made me feel quite scared, and I would get a funny dizzy feeling in my head, trying to comprehend the idea of infinity. Then I would feel so freaked out that I would block it out of my mind completely, and I would only think about it again if something triggered me to do so.

As my first proper anxiety episode happened when I was 9, it does make me wonder if these thoughts about death, and also the bullying, could have contributed to it. Especially with the derealisation episode - maybe I was trying to make sense of life and the world around me?

It was actually back in May that I went back to the doctor's, and the citalopram kicked in fully around July/August time. I've only got about 2 weeks left of my mindfulness coursebook, and I now feel strong enough to think about the root causes of my anxiety.

[Edie]

I read a book about bereavement that had a chapter on children and how they handle it differently at different ages. It did say that as children develop they will often come back to the bereavement and develop their understanding through each of the stages as well. For young children everything seems very simple, and they normally seem to bounce back very quickly, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's "dealt with."

Are you keen to form some close friendships, or do you just feel you should because you know it's what "normal" people do? Working relationships are quite enough socialising for many aspies! But if you're keen to form some close friendships, you might try interest groups, or Asperger/autism social groups.

It's great the Citalopram and Mindfulness are helping you build up your strength. When you are relatively well is exactly the right time to start the hard work, so good luck!

[Sparkle1984]

To be honest, I would like some more close friendships. I currently have 4 people who I consider close friends, but because they live quite far away or have busy lives of their own, I don't get to see them as often as I would like. Sometimes I only get to see each of them once a month, if I'm lucky. So it would be nice to have some more close friends to whom I can just say "Would you like to go out for a meal tonight?" or "Do you want to come round and watch a DVD tonight?" I seem to spend more time on the computer than a lot of other people, but I think that's partly because I don't have many close friends to meet up with that often.

Incidentally, I did used to be a member of a local Asperger's support group and I used to attend their fortnightly meetings, but I didn't really enjoy it to be honest. Almost all the people there were men (I know not as many females are diagnosed with Asperger's) and I didn't feel like I had much in common with them. There were also some men who seemed to treat it like a dating club, but I didn't want a relationship with them. I'm asexual so I find that sort of attention makes me feel uncomfortable, as I felt like these men were expecting something I couldn't give them, if you know what I mean? The meetings were very unstructured - it was basically groups of people sitting around tables talking about random stuff like people would do at a coffee morning, but I find it hard to join in conversations especially if it's a subject that doesn't interest me. So those are the reasons why I stopped going. The same charity used to run fortnightly "goal" groups which I found much more useful, as they helped us work on our social skills, but sadly the woman who ran these left and this group was discontinued. Then we were just left with the unstructured fortnightly social groups.

[Edie]

I completely relate to everything you said in your last post!

For the first time in my adult life I am making friends at uni, but because I commute a fair distance in I can't invite any friends round. It's difficult.

I do think most Asperger groups benefit from a facilitator who can help provide structure and help people have conversations. More unstructured groups don't suit a lot of people. Being the only girl is also very familiar! It's also difficult.

Maybe getting to know work colleagues could help. After all, you don't find out if you've anything in common until you get to know people. It might not lead to the "best friend" you are after, but might provide some companionship. And maybe experience will make it easier to accept that they might move on. It is difficult though, I've never managed to maintain friendships with people I don't see regularly, but then I haven't managed to build any worth maintaining so that might be why.

[Sparkle1984]

As I work in IT I don't have many female colleagues, but I do get on with everyone fairly well even though I don't consider them as close friends. I'm closer to some of my colleagues than others - it depends how often I work with them on a project. I've decided to join a local group that organises talks and presentations about IT. I go to the first session next week so hopefully I'll meet some nice people there.

Sometimes when I think about the times when I was bullied at primary school, I feel regret that I didn't stand up for myself. I wish I had told my parents or a teacher so they could have done something to help me. My parents were aware of the main boy who bullied me when I was about 8 years old, but they didn't know about the kids who used to taunt me and call me names. Overall I did enjoy my time at primary school and I have many happy memories from there, but I do wish I had done more about the bullying and then maybe my anxiety wouldn't have become so bad.

Does anyone else have regrets about the past, and if so how do you deal with it?

[Sparkle1984]

I've taken the first step - I've registered for online counselling/therapy at turn2me.org. I put on the form that I'd like to start next Sunday if possible. My 8-week mindfulness course will be complete by then.

[NoPoet]

Ah, a fellow aspie! Howdy

Your youth seems to have involved a lot of loss, which will destroy any sense of security you might have had. Also being aspergers will probably have made you feel like an alien, so I can definitely empathise with that. It's hard to defend yourself from bullies when you privately agree with them that you're weird or somehow wrong.

But aspergers is not about being weird or wrong, it's about experiencing the world in a totally unique way; it's about studying humanity, about a voracious appetite for learning and a quest to pursue the things you love while the rest of the world starts wars with itself because of religion, colour or gender.

Being aspergers means you naturally lack empathy and emotion-related instincts, which can impact relationships with others, but you CAN be part of the gang and you will often have something to contribute that no-one else would have thought of. You can learn to empathise and become a people person. People will learn your ways and love you for who you are - the fact that you're different becomes an interesting conversation piece.

You have some amazing gifts. Research the positive side of aspergers - check "Do not feed your aspie" - it puts everything across in a warm, loving and sometimes hilarious way. Learn to harness aspergers and you will be all but uncatchable in some areas.