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Thread: Just started..

  1. #281
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
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    325

    Re: Just started..

    Hi Doze, good to hear from you. How are you? Are things much the same?

    And Unspoken, it sounds like you're onto something with looking at your childhood. It's so sad that you didn't get proper support when you were younger. Going through this as an adult is so tough but the thought of you as a little girl feeling so distressed and suicidal and being bullied is heartbreaking...

    I'm not a fan of digging up the past for the sake of it, but when the past is affecting the present then we don't do ourselves any favours by trying to ignore it. It sounds like there is significant trauma in the past for you and you are being very brave and sensible in trying to face it and work through it even though it's hard work and I'm guessing pretty tough on you emotionally.

    So glad your employers are being understanding, it sounds like with their support and meds and therapy and your own determination, that you have a lot in place to get you through this to a stronger place.

  2. #282
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    425

    Re: Just started..

    Thank you, Is. I feel really sorry for the poor bullied, distressed child. I don't see that child as the same person I am now. I don't know if that disconnect is a problem. I've spent so long trying to forget things that can't be forgotten. There are things all the time reminding me of the child I was, and I can't avoid them. A new temporary worker started in my team while I was signed off. She was a friend of my sister's and went to the same school where I was bullied so badly. There's a guy working in my office whose sister was in my class at that school. And another girl from that same class works for one of the customers I deal with at work, and I have to work with her too. I moved back in with my parents two years ago and I'm back in the bedroom that was mine since I was 10 years old. So I either move away completely and try to forget, or I try to come to terms with the traumas in my past in a more healthy way, with the help of a therapist. I'm choosing to try the latter, because I believe my past would follow me, even if I moved to the other side of the world.

    Doze, I am finding I feel sleepy a lot during the day too now I'm on 22.5mg of Mirtazapine. I feel less anxious, but I think only because I'm too sedated to feel the full range of anxiety symptoms. I still feel depressed.

    Today it rained most of the day and was grey and gloomy. Normally weather like this really gets me down, so I decided to go out and just ignore the fact it was raining. I saw a pair of Egyptian geese with nine goslings! Very early for baby birds, but a definite sign that spring is on its way.
    __________________
    "Every day, every hour, I wish that I was bullet proof"

  3. #283
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    Jan 2009
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    1,339

    Re: Just started..

    I read yesterday Mirtazapine is supposed to be superior to any SSRI but it totally messes me up and have been totally off for about a week to a fortnight now but am going through hell with anxiety. Hope this passes. I was on this drug 3 years ago going through my divorce and it made me a total wreck but my doctor said it was probs my divorce not the meds, how wrong he is as I could feel myself slipping back.....just not for me. It just makes me a hundred times worse and I am mad I listened to my GP now. Currently on nothing and struggling but not as depressed.

  4. #284
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Posts
    325

    Re: Just started..

    I hope the extra sleepiness passes after a while Unspoken, that sedated feeling can be nice if you're highly anxious but it's not helpful long term.

    It must be very difficult having all those people around connected to past trauma. I think you're probably right, it would follow you if you decided to leave, but it doesn't mean you're not being really brave choosing to stay and face it. I really hope you can feel you're making progress with the therapy soon. I've read a few articles about post traumatic growth and resilience which describe how people with post traumatic stress can also experience growth and increased resilience and kindness and compassion towards themselves and others. I'm guessing you've already experienced some of this...I think I have, but it doesn't mean that the recovery journey is any easier, just gives me a bit of hope for good things too I think.

    The nine goslings sound cool, I love how families of geese swim along all in a line - very cute!

  5. #285
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
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    170

    Re: Just started..

    Quote Originally Posted by Istherehope? View Post
    Hi Doze, good to hear from you. How are you? Are things much the same?
    Hi Is. Yep, pretty much the same. Although I've been slowly improving day after day, feeling more like my old self. Still haven't really made proper contact with the mental health team though, unbelievable as that seems. I have my first visit next week, so hopefully things can kick on after that.

    How are you doing?

  6. #286
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
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    170

    Re: Just started..

    Had a bit of a shit afternoon today. Been feeling kinda down because I still can't do much of anything with my days, so at times it seems like they're just dragging on and on. I've also put on a bunch of weight since the new year, so I'm lying in bed feeling exhausted and fat and somewhat depressed. So that sucks. Guess I need to make changes somewhere, try and eat a bit better.
    Last edited by Doze; 22-02-16 at 19:03.

  7. #287
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
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    325

    Re: Just started..

    Gosh things certainly move slowly with your mental health team, it's a good job you're slowly improving and not getting worse otherwise a wait that long would be awful. I'm glad you're feeling more like your old self, though obviously not so great this afternoon. Are you still planning on changing meds? I imagine it must be hard to know what's mental health and what's ME. Not being able to do much is really hard when it's a long term thing.

    I know the putting on weight feeling. I'm now feeling loads better, about 80% back to normal and doing things I wouldn't have thought possible six weeks ago. However now I'm happier I'm eating non stop. I did say to the psychiatrist I'd rather be overweight and happy than slim and suicidal so I think I'll soon be putting that theory to the test!! I had my referral to the community mental health team today so I have to arrange an assessment. I think they will be seeing if I need long term support.

    I hope tomorrow's better for you than this afternoon.

  8. #288
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
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    170

    Re: Just started..

    I couldn't sleep last night. Well I could only half fall asleep. I seem to get stuck in the inbetween state where you're neither asleep nor completely with it, and my brain starts making impossible hoops for me to jump through to achieve proper slumber. I gave up around 5am, so today I'm just completely exhausted. Frustrating. Hopefully it's just a one off.

  9. #289
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    425

    Re: Just started..

    I was thinking of writing a book called "Worry Yourself Thin". I seem to be able to lose weight by just letting my anxiety get really bad, and then I feel too sick to eat. It doesn't seem very healthy though, I agree Is that it's better to be happy and a bit overweight than slim but in an awful mental state.

    I'm struggling with being back at work. They're doing building work in the canteen which is directly below where I sit so there's noise from that, plus there's lots of people milling around the big open plan office. I'm struggling to focus with the noise and distractions and I'm so tired. I'm not used to being sat in one place all day because it's been two months of hardly being in work. I spoke to my manager and we agreed I'll work from home on Friday as I have no meetings, so hopefully that'll be a more productive day.
    __________________
    "Every day, every hour, I wish that I was bullet proof"

  10. #290
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
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    170

    Re: Just started..

    For the first month on Mirt I didn't put on any weight, I figure mainly because I was so anxious it was using up calories or something. The next two months that has not been the case.

    I met with an OT yesterday. It was a strange meeting, she seemed a little off and I got the impression that their going to try and fob me off to be under the care of a Chronic Fatigue team instead of them. It wasn't especially helpful. But by chance she managed to book me a cancellation appointment to see their Dr so today we had a chat about my situation and medication. He was kinda helpful, but still managed to suggest that to 'cure' my chronic fatigue I just needed to do more and not succumb to tiredness. I told him I wasn't exactly enjoying being on Mirt and didn't feel it was the right med for me. And guess what he suggested I try? Setraline. So I'm back where I was a month or two ago, and it looks like I'm going to have to bite the bullet and try Setraline. So a big waste of time that turned out to be.

    I stupidly went over to the Setraline sub in the hope that I'd read so positive stories. Nope. Just a lot of people saying what a terrible time of it they're having on Setraline startup. There seem to be so few positive stories of people starting up on it and improving. Now I'm terrified to start taking the stuff. But I don't see how I have a choice as I need to be on something and the Mirt just isn't doing it for me and there's no way I want to stay on it longer term if I continue with this weight gain. It's so difficult to make such a decision whe it seems I'm almost guaranteed to get sick on the Setraline and go back to really struggling again. The Dr I spoke to do today even said as much.
    Last edited by Doze; 25-02-16 at 18:41.

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