OCD/Panic/Depressed? Can't stop worrying

[mylife]

Hello All,

I am so confused!! Can't stop worrying if I am depressed, anxious, suicidal or what??!! And I am so so scared.

Have had panic/GAD for 15+ years that has mostly been in remission until two weeks ago. I have emetophobia (fear of vomit) that has been in remission for years (always fearful but coping). Two weeks ago I had a client vomit in my office! It was horrible and I started having panic attacks right away after not having them for years. The panic attacks scared me and I was afraid that I was going to get really sick with anxiety again...so that promoted further panic.

For the last two weeks I have gone from emetophobia fear to fear of fear to fear of depression to fear of losing my mind to fear that I might suicide one day!

The constant worry has depleted me of all my happiness. I went to work today after one week off and I had a panic attack there within ten minutes...then spent that rest of the day with my office door closed and I cried much of the day.

I am scared!! I feel I am losing control! I have a therapist and am on meds, though will see doc on Friday about changing them.

My question is: I can handle most fears...and rationalize them...like the vomiting fear is a welcome friend compared to the fear I might suicide. I dont want to die, or I dont think I do?!?!?!? But I cannot get it out of my head that maybe all my fears and anxiety is really just depression HIDING as ocd and anxiety. Like I a cannot even accept that I might have OCD, maybe I am just pretending I have OCD because I really fear depression?? And of course the reason I fear depression is because I am afraid I will get suicidal.

I have a wonderful family, friends and child. I would NEVER want to hurt them. Though it might be true that I do not like living like this, I really do not "think" I would hurt myself. Never have tried...And the thought of committing suicide just makes me sick. I cannot accept it.

Please help, as my mind is in a tailspin. I think I am going to have to leave work for some time or something cause I cannot just cry when I am there! Am I depressed? Anxious? OCD? Or maybe I really am at risk for getting suicidal? I am so scared!! I am just miserable. Cannot function...Feel constant panic...constant state of dizziness and dread.

[xxkatiebxx]

To me this screams anxiety, on a lot of levels. You are worried about so many different things and they all seem to stem from things that aren't actually there or haven't happened.

My friend who has attempted suicide told me that when you feel suicidal it's all very calm and 'matter of fact'. You simply don't want to live any more and that the thought of dying makes you feel relieved. The fact that you are scared of feeling suicidal says to me that it is very unlikely you will get that way. I too had a fear of becoming suicidal and thought, 'what if i panic one day and do something extreme and stupid'. The fact is we won't - it's just another thing to feed the anxiety.

It sounds like your meds need adjusting and maybe look into therapy too, this WILL pass, you are just having a blip. I too am (hopefully) just beginning to come out of my blip, and when you are in the midst of one it's like a living hell. To help, accept that you will get better, it's only a temporary thing and you'll soon be living life normally again.

Katiexx

[gtrgrl3369]

Try to relax yourself. Your mind is going in a hundred different directions at once and it is too much. I will let you know not to worry about the suicide issue. When I had my breakdown, I was like the other persons reply said, it was like a calm that came over me and I didnt care at that point what happened anymore. I didnt try and commit suicide, I just gave up and that is when I went into the hospital. I also have a brain that takes a while to shut down so I get a lot of thoughts at once that can be very overwhelming. I do have OCD and when my mind starts to race it is usually about such repetative things I have to stay still for a while to let them go. The best advice I can offer you is to let the thoughts just go and dont fight or fear them, it only serves as ammunition for an already overtired brain. I dont know what you have, but I am hear to listen if you need someone to talk to. Take care.

[mylife]

Thanks for the kind replies of support and reassurance. It is much appreciated. I have had numerous diagnosis's in my past...panic disorder with agoraphobia, GAD, OCD and depression NOS (due to anxiety). When I asked my doctor if I had OCD the other day, he replied, "Is the Pope catholic?". So there you have it.

Saw the doc and he started me on Celexa 20mg. I am already on Imipramine 100mg for the last 15 years for panic disorder. He also gave me Ativan to be used as needed. I am too afraid to start the Celexa! I am afraid it MIGHT make things worse...I am barely making it now...I cannot afford to make it worse!! I took my first Ativan today and I feel drunk, spacey, dizzy and out of it. I think it took the edge of anxiety, but really just made it a subdued anxiety with less power over me. So I guess that helps. Too bad I feel so dizzy I could fall over!

I think I am really ANGRY (not a normal emotion for me) that I have fallen into this horrible place after years of freedom. I will not give in. I do not want to die (I dont think?!?!?!?).

Gtrgirl - I am sorry you felt suicidal. Did you get better when you went to the hospital? Going into the hospital is one of my big fears...I dont know, but I guess it signifies loss of control for me!

I managed to go to work, with the help of Xanax, so that was good. I am trying not to let this whole thing just stop my life. Need to remain as "normal" as possible but allowing myself to SOB and CRY at night if I want.

[hawaii1990]

feeling suicidal is the worst feeling in the world, I thought about nothing else when my OCD spiraled out of control 5 years ago I just wanted my life to end ,for me it took a good few months to get rid of that awful thought, it will go. I think when you have been so free from your problem and then out of the blue it smacks you over the head it puts your body in shock and your world falls apart. Make sure you get plenty of rest and see this as getting over a serious illness it will take time to start feeling better, it;s not easy but your not alone and like me you really dont want to die you just want to feel normal again and you will.

ps if you need to ask me anything else please do one thing ocd and depression has given me is the experience to share.