I feel i am the only one. Help!

[Spiller]

Hi everyone -

I have been suffering with anxiety since i was 10 years old. When it was started i couldn't go to school. I couldnt be away from my mum. Over the years i have had councellers and phychologists and i have got a lot better.

As i got older i have had panic attacks and anxiety over different things. Being away from my mum, being away from a boyfriend or thinking that a boyfriend was going to leave me or cheat on me (he did both in the end lol) i can laugh about it now because it was no where near as bad when it actually happened than the thoughts of it.

I have had a few 'good' years when it hasn't ruled my life but a lot of the time it has. I have lost boyfriends, friends, jobs, holidays - all sorts.

Most recently, i have had this 'health anxiety/fear of dying/getting cancer etc etc.

My problem is - i read too much. i followed the Jade thing everyday, i constantly read stories about illnesses and deaths and think it is going to happen to me. I google every symptom. Every ache, pain, twinge i get in my body - its cancer or a heart attack or stroke or MS the list goes on. I examine my body from head to toe. I hate the fact i can see my viens and i hate my moles because i think they are cancerous.

On thursday it was my 24th birthday and my boyfriend of 3 years - who is really supportive of my condition proposed to me! I said yes!! Yesterday i should have been on top of the world, showing off my ring to family and friends, instead i was in a huddle on the floor in tears, terrified i was going to die before i had the chance to get married. I had convinced myself i was going to die. I was looking at my engagement ring and picturing myself in my coffin wearing it. Its been horrible. It was so bad i had to get my fiance to come home from work because i could not bring myself out of this. I am constantly exhausted because my brain will not rest.

I found this site today and already i am feeling better. I am going back to the doctors on tuesday to ask him to be referred to a phychologist again. They gave me CBT but it hasnt really helped. I am currently taking Citalopram 40mg which i have been taking for about a year. I have had 4 weeks off work. (i am a teacher) i am due to go back after the easter holidays but i cant even think about that yet.

We have had a lot of money worries lately. My fiance lost his job before xmas and it has been a real struggle. We have been living off bread and jam for a long time now and eating really cheap rubbish food i have gained 2 and a half stone since xmas. :( Before then i was a size 10/12 now im a 14 none of my clothes fit and i get so down about it. I plan to get back to my slimming club after we move house.

We are moving house in 2 weeks time, we are moving in with friends to try and save some money for a deposit so we can buy a house and save for a wedding. Its really hard because although i want all of the above i dont want to move house because i feel safe at home and i am not keen on change.

Sorry this is such a long post - i needed to get all this off my chest!!

Any suggestions on coping with this scary world?

Thanks

Sarah xx

[Summer74]

Hi Sarah,

First of all, congratulations! (On the engagement, not the anxiety!)
Secondly, reading your post has made me realise what has brought my health anxiety back (I won't bore you with my history). My partner and I are planning to buy a house, and I think the return of my HA coincided with that decision. I often catch myself thinking, "What if I die of [insert random disease], R won't be able to afford the mortgage on his own and he'll end up on the streets, etc. etc." It's all about fear of loss, I guess.
Like you, I read a lot, too much. It's my way of coping with things in general, knowledge is power and all that, but not necessarily so with health anxiety...
During my rational moments, I can recognise that I don't have any permanent symptoms, just whatever fits my illness du jour!
This forum has helped me a lot, I'm so much calmer since I've started to come here. Instead of Googling my "symptoms", I come here, and reading other people's posts helps me to rationalise things.
So no, you're not alone

[eurotrashcub]

CHIN UP !

[Spiller]

Thanks Summer. I think your right. There is such a responisiblity with moving house etc - i think that too about how would my partner cope.

My sister also suffers with Anxiety and she has come through it. I was talking to her the other day and telling her about my dark thoughts. She asked me my physical symptoms. - i couldn't actually answer, i had none. It helped breifly but my thoughts are still there and i am inventing illnesses everyday :(

i hope that your HA calms down soon. Good luck with the house buying - a good time to buy all the prices are low lol.

i would like to hear your history if you are willing to?

Sah xx

[Summer74]

Hi Sah,

My HA first started about 2-3 years ago, I think it was right after we had moved house. I was working loads and got a really stiff neck and bad back as a consequence (I do my job on the computer), developed a load of symptoms - most of them in my head, obviously - and diagnosed myself with a variety of illnesses, starting from rotting teeth (lol, hadn't been to the dentist for 10 years, that's all sorted now thank god!), then thyroid disease, and finally some sort of cancer - can't even remember what my "final diagnosis" was!
I was a complete mess for about a year until someone pointed out that my neck & shoulders were completely shot and told me to get off the computer, and sure enough, my symptoms slowly disappeared.
Then came the news about Jade Goody, and I became convinced that I had cervical cancer, which then progressed to a load of other cancers...
I can so relate to the bit you said about lying "in a huddle on the floor in tears, terrified i was going to die", that's exactly what I did. And then, as soon as I got my smear results back and they were normal, I started obsessing about my thyroid again... I wish I would give myself a break! I feel pretty normal at the moment, but the house-buying thing has made me a bit edgy... I also used to get panic attacks, mostly with things like presentations at school etc., but really bad. That's under control now, I just pop a beta-blocker if I have to speak to a large group of people, and it doesn't bother me anymore.
It sounds like maybe your HA has also come about with other, general worries in life - maybe this is how we cope... Inventing something bigger like cancer to make our problems seem small! What a twisted logic. Hope things sort themselves out for you soon, in the meantime, stick around, this forum really helps!

[Spiller]

thanks for sharing Summer, reading your story - its like it could be about me. lol Thats how i feel like i need to give myself a break but my head won't let me, i went to bed quite positive last night but now feeling a bit low again. Don't really want to face the day today :(

Please keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on. Good luck with the move. xx

Thank you x

[Charlotte84]

Hi

I wanted to write on here as you are the same age as me and sound exactly like me!

I too struggle to feel happy about anything and when i do think about positive things to take my mind of it, like my summer holiday i start to think whats the point in thinking about something so far away you may not be here! How awful is that?! i hate having such morbid thoughts. I only seem to get like this when i have some sort of pain or are worried about mine or my families health. I am ok when im at home and kind of chilling out its when i have to get up and go to work so i just constantly wish it was the wknd!

I dont want to go to the doctors about it as i am petrified of the doctors and they always seem to think im stupid and dont seem very understanding or i have visions of them saying that they think it could be something serious and that i need to be sent for more tests! Then id have to deal with the waiting of the results! It just seems like one massive cycle :(

Will i ever feel normal again? :( we are young and should be enjoying life not feeling like this! Hope you guys are ok

x