Suicidal Thoughts?

[samtheman]

This may sound silly but I'm gonna blurt it out anyway.

Before I start, I'm not depressed and haven't been particuarly anxious as past while either. But I think about suicide, not planning how to go about it, more think about it because I know I shouldn't if that makes sence.

This morning I was out for a walk, Where I live is on the coast, there is a nice little forest which I walk around, I was out walking and it popped into my head that a woman had killed herself by hanging a few years back in this forest, The thought came into my head, what if I flipped out and did it, Or what if I went over there and jumped into the sea and drowned. Just total $hit, but it worries me that it even pops into my head. I bet normal people don't think about this?

The more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it, this then leads on to other random thoughts thoughts like,

"Perhaps I don't have anxiety at all, perhaps its something worse"
"What if people who commit suicide aren't depressed, what if they just have these random thoughts I am having and act on them?"

Can anyone relate to this?
Can anyone offer any advice?

[PoppyC]

Hi Sam!
Relax - You are 'normal' and anxiety does definitely cause these feelings.
I often have these type of thoughts - I am not depressed, I am happy, I love life - never take it for granted, and I just don't ever want to kill myself,and I want to be that ancient old lady in a rocking chair with all her grandchildren around her, but I can be happily going along, and all of a sudden a thought pops in my head like for example ' Why dont I just take all my tablets and end it now'....or 'why dont I just go and find a busy stretch of road and walk out into the traffic', and another one is 'why dont I just get that sharp knife out the drawer and seriously harm myself'. . I don't know why I think these thoughts - I could never and never want to commit suicide no matter how difficult things ever got for me.
I think the difference between us thinking about our thoughts as we do and how people who are hell bent on harming themselves think, is that we are worried by these thoughts....if we truly wanted to harm ourselves, I am sure we wouldn't worry and get distressed about the thoughts, and we would go straight ahead and harm ourselves. If someone took me to a bridge now and said 'Ok Jump' - I would run away. If someone was to try and kill me this moment with a gun to my head, I would be pleading for my life. I really think that explains the difference.
I told my therapist about all of this and she told me that it is Fear of the Fear. Last year when I was ill, I kept getting strong suicidal feelings but I didn't want to kill myself. I never attempted anything but the feelings would be so strong - like I had been possessed - and I would get so upset and I called The Samaritans a few times, who were really good.
Eventually as my anxiety is getting better, so the thoughts dont seem to come into my head as much. If I get a morbid thought, then immediately I counteract it with a positive happy one and I actually sometimes have said aloud to myself ' I love life and no way am I ending it - I dont give in that easily and its not my life to take' Seriously saying things like that do help if you repeatedly keep replacing the negative thoughts every time you get them.
Maybe the thought of that poor woman who committed suicide triggered off your 'What if's'. I 'What if' all the time and that shows I am anxious. I always imagine the worst.
Morbid thoughts are part of anxiety and depression and I think everyone experiences them at some time in their lives.
Obviously if you find you do want to harm yourself, and are seriously contemplating it with the intent of doing it, then seek help immediately.
Poet and myself had some posts about this same subject yesterday - I will try and find the thread for you.

[valleybear]

These type of thoughts are common in people with anxiety...they are just thoughts. I had them years ago when I was anxious and depressed and the more you try not to think of them the more you ARE thinking about them!
Only you know how you feel and if they are just random 'what if's' be assured that they happen to lots of people and can be overcome. You could always speak to your Dr and tell him your worries..I am sure he will have been asked about this before and will be able to re-assure you. XX

[NoPoet]

Hi mate, I was going to avoid this thread in case it "triggered" me into feeling low, but honestly I have exactly the same fears as you: What if I suddenly go mad or become suicidal?

It's weird how many people feel like this. All I can say is, if you aren't like that, you won't become like that. I've been worried about that for weeks and yet I continue to get better -- NOT worse. All that worrying was for nothing!

I think it's your mind exploring normal fears, it's just that when you are already feeling low or worried about something, such exploration can come as a shock or feel more frightening than it actually is.

[dante]

the problem with intrusive thoughts as they are intrusive, because you a worrying about it shows that you dont want these thoughts. people who want to take there own life just do it and dont worry about the thoughts of doing it if that makes any sense.
you have to accept they are just thoughts, we have thousands of thoughts a day we dont act on and we just forget them but these thoughts worried you thats why you remember them more.