Dysphagia root cause of depression/suicide??
well i went in to start my new job today. arrived at 10.30am as instructed and all weekend i had feelings that i really didnt want to go but felt i had to just to get off the dole, get off my backside and earn some money and generally get some structure back in my life at least Mon-Fri.
anyway, my boss greeted me and showed me all the basics, we had a chat about my induction plan and then she got me up and running on the computer with a new user name and password etc. we did the usual tour of the office and the facilities etc (about 60 people on my trading floor) well when she went out to buy a sandwich at 12.30pm I sat in my chair pretending to play with the computer but really I was mulling over whether to stay and see it through or just walk out.
i walked. i couldnt face eating in public. its not as if its a spectator sport I know but this is what dysphagia sufferers do so i put my jacket on got my bag and left at 1pm and luckily i didnt meet my boss as i made my way out of the building. the guy who second interviewed me was in full view near the stairs but i couldnt look him in the eye. he was a nice bloke and so was my boss. i just feel like dogsh*t, i feel that if i could take a pill and be out of the game without suffering then i would take one now as this living in hiding is no way to live-hiding so that nobody sees me eating. i hate myself right now and this depression is all as a result of the swallowing problems i have suffered for 30+ years. the office was open plan so at lunchtime i had knowhere to "hide" whilst I ate my lunch. i had a very attractive lass diagonally opposite me across the aisle my boss would usually sit on my left hand side and a chap who was due to give me some system training was bang opposite me with no partitions inbetween. i had some sandwiches with the crusts cut off ready in my bag as I thought i could fight this and perhaps continue to hide my abnormal eating habits but when push came to shove i bottled it and gathered my things and just left.
ive now emailed the boss and made my excuses as to why i cannot go back after just a couple of hours although i never mentioned the dysphagia because its so "off the wall" in terms of health problems. my boss mentioned a trip to the London HQ would be on the cards to meet other new members of staff and to undergo a little bit more competency training and deep down I thought "oh no, do I have to go to London?" as this involves meals out, hotels, socialising etc. i have been stripped of any social skills i had a long time agoe becuase of this condition.
my speech and language therapist has said she will refer me to an Upper GI specialist to see if they can find the root of the swallowing problem.
i'd already spent my first months salary as I was so pleased to have been offered the job back in July but i feel ive thrown another opportunity away. i dont have the minerals to walk onto a railway line and just end it but right now I cant see much of a future.