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Depression from Panic/Anxiety Please post any messages here about Depression that is directly related to Panic and anxiety.
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  #1  
Old 08-08-11, 15:59
stuart39 stuart39 is offline
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Dysphagia root cause of depression/suicide??

well i went in to start my new job today. arrived at 10.30am as instructed and all weekend i had feelings that i really didnt want to go but felt i had to just to get off the dole, get off my backside and earn some money and generally get some structure back in my life at least Mon-Fri.

anyway, my boss greeted me and showed me all the basics, we had a chat about my induction plan and then she got me up and running on the computer with a new user name and password etc. we did the usual tour of the office and the facilities etc (about 60 people on my trading floor) well when she went out to buy a sandwich at 12.30pm I sat in my chair pretending to play with the computer but really I was mulling over whether to stay and see it through or just walk out.

i walked. i couldnt face eating in public. its not as if its a spectator sport I know but this is what dysphagia sufferers do so i put my jacket on got my bag and left at 1pm and luckily i didnt meet my boss as i made my way out of the building. the guy who second interviewed me was in full view near the stairs but i couldnt look him in the eye. he was a nice bloke and so was my boss. i just feel like dogsh*t, i feel that if i could take a pill and be out of the game without suffering then i would take one now as this living in hiding is no way to live-hiding so that nobody sees me eating. i hate myself right now and this depression is all as a result of the swallowing problems i have suffered for 30+ years. the office was open plan so at lunchtime i had knowhere to "hide" whilst I ate my lunch. i had a very attractive lass diagonally opposite me across the aisle my boss would usually sit on my left hand side and a chap who was due to give me some system training was bang opposite me with no partitions inbetween. i had some sandwiches with the crusts cut off ready in my bag as I thought i could fight this and perhaps continue to hide my abnormal eating habits but when push came to shove i bottled it and gathered my things and just left.

ive now emailed the boss and made my excuses as to why i cannot go back after just a couple of hours although i never mentioned the dysphagia because its so "off the wall" in terms of health problems. my boss mentioned a trip to the London HQ would be on the cards to meet other new members of staff and to undergo a little bit more competency training and deep down I thought "oh no, do I have to go to London?" as this involves meals out, hotels, socialising etc. i have been stripped of any social skills i had a long time agoe becuase of this condition.

my speech and language therapist has said she will refer me to an Upper GI specialist to see if they can find the root of the swallowing problem.

i'd already spent my first months salary as I was so pleased to have been offered the job back in July but i feel ive thrown another opportunity away. i dont have the minerals to walk onto a railway line and just end it but right now I cant see much of a future.
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Old 10-08-11, 15:52
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ElizabethJane ElizabethJane is offline
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Re: Dysphagia root cause of depression/suicide??

I just can't believe from your post that it is all over? If you wrote to your boss explaining the problems that you have been experiencing? Would it be possible to leave the office at lunch time? I would definitely switch from sandwiches to something that you find more palatable such as soup or a banana. If you really can eat at lunch time make sure you drink plenty of fluids and eat something in the safety and comfort of your home. It isn't the end there is lots of help for you out there. Maybe a GP appointment to see whether there is some treatment in your area. EJ
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Old 18-09-11, 11:33
stuart39 stuart39 is offline
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Re: Dysphagia root cause of depression/suicide??

Hi
not been on here for a while thanks for the reply.
ive made my bed with that company so there isnt really any going back. it was bad day allround. it was depressing but i'm mainly all talk and no action as far as doing anything silly is concerned. more a figure of speech.

things have moved on now. my speech & Language therapist has now discharged me which is fair enough. she referred me to an Upper GI consultant who i saw on friday just gone.
whilst i explained that i think my problem is with the throat area getting the food down, he explained his job is to test the gullet from the upper sphincter down the esopoghus, the lower sphincter and the stomach for any signs of poor muscle performance and/or reflux (GERD). i asked for a barium pill test but this wasnt in the area of this mans expertise.

he agreed to bring me back in in the next 3 or 4 weeks to have a manometry. this is good news. the last manometry i had was 23 years ago when we never saw the results as the hospital had lost them! could i have suffered for 23 years if the original manometry had found the problem? who knows i just want it sorted.

i will be having both manometry tests, the inhouse test for about an hour and then the 24hr Ph and muscle strength monitoring test where I will be fitted with a 2mm catheter hooked up to a hi tech devide which will record my swallowing and acid levels etc. could it be that one of the spcinters has not been working properly or i have bad reflux? would this cause difficulty swallowing solid food in normal mouthfuls? again who knows. all i know is that i am pleased to be going for the tests. i dont want to get my hopes up that they will bring me back and say we found the problem but at least in the intervening 23 years since my first manometry the current equipment is bang up to date and far more advanced than what i would have had all those years ago! all the more chance of the equipment highlighting something quite subtle.

will report back when i'm at home with the catheter fitted and after the test. the act of having the catheter fitted doesnt bother me as its very similar to having a FEES test.
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Old 18-09-11, 13:18
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ElizabethJane ElizabethJane is offline
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Re: Dysphagia root cause of depression/suicide??

Hi Stuart thanks for having the courage to come back to this forum. I'm sorry about the job and just glad (very) glad you didn't do anything stupid. Good luck with the tests. The only experience I have of being unable to swallow was my Mum's illness of MND. I really glad that you have come back. Let us know how you are getting on. EJ
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