d85
21-08-11, 17:05
Hello,
I've been going over in my mind whether or not I should post, but I'm hoping somehow it will help, or that someone may have some advice. Things are really getting on top of me and I'm finding it difficult to see a way forward. I'm desperate. My original post is at http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=95815 which I wrote about 3 months ago.
I've had anxiety (and depression) in many forms all of my life, but since the start of this year, it's been specifically related to my health. My main concern is about HIV. The details & build-up are in my previous post (I didn't want to repeat myself in case some people have already read them). I had testicular pain in May (which, itself, made my anxiety worse) so I had an STD checkup. An HIV test was offered to me but that flared my anxiety up even more as I'd had an HIV test in February (which came back negative), but I started to convince myself the test in February was wrong and "if the test is there with the other STD tests, you should take it — if you don't, you're asking for trouble". The decision was paralysing. In the end I decided not to have the HIV test, but went ahead with the others (which came back fine 2 weeks later).
But the night I got home from the clinic, I started to worry about the testing procedure and then fixated on "what if the lady who did my blood test (purposefully) injected me with something while I wasn't looking?" and this thought has stayed with me ever since. I'm now convinced she did inject me (with blood). Every day I replay the 60 seconds of the blood test, trying to get some kind of grasp on it. I sometimes spend hours each day googling to see if it's feasibly possible to be injected using the apparatus used to collect blood samples. I've been even more aware of my body since then, in case I developed any symptoms of an infection, to the point where I became obsessed with trying not to develop even a cold (in case those symptoms confused me). I had a pain in the arm for a few days after the blood test, and then muscular pain that worked its way to my shoulders/neck with a slight cough for about 10 days, and they are still stuck in my head as "proof she did something". On the rare occasions I manage to calm myself down and think that perhaps she didn't, I convince myself that in that case, the test in February was wrong, or I've contracted it since the test. So, I can't remove the thought from my head at all. Talking or writing about it makes me feel quite distressed in itself.
I don't know what to do. Every day I have that knot in the stomach feeling, and the thought of a future makes me physically sick. I can just about think of the next day, but no further. I feel doubly awful because one of my best friends has just been told, last week, that he is HIV+. I'm trying to be there for him while attempting to remain sane in my own head (I don't think I've told him the extent of my anxiety/what it's specifically about), and I feel disgusted at myself for having these worries in my head about the "what ifs" while he's having to cope with his news. I'm ashamed of myself, but I don't know how to cope.
I had a counselling assessment and I'm on a waiting list for NHS counselling but it's already been over a month & I haven't heard anything. I have a Dr's appointment in 10 days' time to ask to go back onto antidepressants (I haven't taken any since 2007), but I'm going to ring tomorrow & try to get an earlier appointment as I'm becoming desperate. I had diazepam when I first had the panic attacks 3 months ago, though didn't take many at the time, but I've taken 4mg each night for the last two nights. I'm willing to pay for counselling, but I don't know where to start, especially as I live in a rural area — I'm wondering if ringing Anxiety UK will help? While searching for information, I've come across "Purely Obsessional OCD" and wonder if that's somehow diagnostic of what I'm experiencing. I also feel like I'm wrong to try and help myself — like if I try and get myself back to a happier place, I'm asking for trouble.
Most of my friends know, to some extent, how I'm feeling. But because I'm still able to explain things coherently (and hide my true feelings), they think I'm coping, but I'm not. I've tried explaining it exactly to my mum/dad/nan and they have a better grasp than most, but they don't truly understand either. I keep thinking... I don't want to die, but I don't want to live if life is going to be like this for the rest of it. I'm sure many people on this forum know what I mean.
Writing this post has helped a little, though it's also made me realise just how complex my problems are and how much help I need. I'm sorry if I repeated myself, and thank you for reading. Any response would mean the world to me, so thank you again.
I've been going over in my mind whether or not I should post, but I'm hoping somehow it will help, or that someone may have some advice. Things are really getting on top of me and I'm finding it difficult to see a way forward. I'm desperate. My original post is at http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=95815 which I wrote about 3 months ago.
I've had anxiety (and depression) in many forms all of my life, but since the start of this year, it's been specifically related to my health. My main concern is about HIV. The details & build-up are in my previous post (I didn't want to repeat myself in case some people have already read them). I had testicular pain in May (which, itself, made my anxiety worse) so I had an STD checkup. An HIV test was offered to me but that flared my anxiety up even more as I'd had an HIV test in February (which came back negative), but I started to convince myself the test in February was wrong and "if the test is there with the other STD tests, you should take it — if you don't, you're asking for trouble". The decision was paralysing. In the end I decided not to have the HIV test, but went ahead with the others (which came back fine 2 weeks later).
But the night I got home from the clinic, I started to worry about the testing procedure and then fixated on "what if the lady who did my blood test (purposefully) injected me with something while I wasn't looking?" and this thought has stayed with me ever since. I'm now convinced she did inject me (with blood). Every day I replay the 60 seconds of the blood test, trying to get some kind of grasp on it. I sometimes spend hours each day googling to see if it's feasibly possible to be injected using the apparatus used to collect blood samples. I've been even more aware of my body since then, in case I developed any symptoms of an infection, to the point where I became obsessed with trying not to develop even a cold (in case those symptoms confused me). I had a pain in the arm for a few days after the blood test, and then muscular pain that worked its way to my shoulders/neck with a slight cough for about 10 days, and they are still stuck in my head as "proof she did something". On the rare occasions I manage to calm myself down and think that perhaps she didn't, I convince myself that in that case, the test in February was wrong, or I've contracted it since the test. So, I can't remove the thought from my head at all. Talking or writing about it makes me feel quite distressed in itself.
I don't know what to do. Every day I have that knot in the stomach feeling, and the thought of a future makes me physically sick. I can just about think of the next day, but no further. I feel doubly awful because one of my best friends has just been told, last week, that he is HIV+. I'm trying to be there for him while attempting to remain sane in my own head (I don't think I've told him the extent of my anxiety/what it's specifically about), and I feel disgusted at myself for having these worries in my head about the "what ifs" while he's having to cope with his news. I'm ashamed of myself, but I don't know how to cope.
I had a counselling assessment and I'm on a waiting list for NHS counselling but it's already been over a month & I haven't heard anything. I have a Dr's appointment in 10 days' time to ask to go back onto antidepressants (I haven't taken any since 2007), but I'm going to ring tomorrow & try to get an earlier appointment as I'm becoming desperate. I had diazepam when I first had the panic attacks 3 months ago, though didn't take many at the time, but I've taken 4mg each night for the last two nights. I'm willing to pay for counselling, but I don't know where to start, especially as I live in a rural area — I'm wondering if ringing Anxiety UK will help? While searching for information, I've come across "Purely Obsessional OCD" and wonder if that's somehow diagnostic of what I'm experiencing. I also feel like I'm wrong to try and help myself — like if I try and get myself back to a happier place, I'm asking for trouble.
Most of my friends know, to some extent, how I'm feeling. But because I'm still able to explain things coherently (and hide my true feelings), they think I'm coping, but I'm not. I've tried explaining it exactly to my mum/dad/nan and they have a better grasp than most, but they don't truly understand either. I keep thinking... I don't want to die, but I don't want to live if life is going to be like this for the rest of it. I'm sure many people on this forum know what I mean.
Writing this post has helped a little, though it's also made me realise just how complex my problems are and how much help I need. I'm sorry if I repeated myself, and thank you for reading. Any response would mean the world to me, so thank you again.