A Broken Man

[Andyroo]

Ive Decided to express myself to see if it makes me feel any better. im not to good at sharing my feelings but im going to try. this post isnt really asking for help or waiting to see people post back to me saying i need to see a doctor, im not seeing any doctors or doing anything about my anxiety but venting here and now. I cant really deal with myself right now i just took some sleeping pills hoping to put my mind to rest because i can not deal with what goes on in my own head but i am still here awake.. im sure im not the only one that feels like this maybe someone can relate.. i will share some of the things that depress me. i struggle to keep my friends i cant be the person they want me to be or give them the attention and time they want from me.. i cant give them them the things they would like to see me give and i cant say i can care what they feel or what they are going threw. maybe i am a bad person? i dont know maybe.. but it is just so hard to keep friends and feed into the normal drama life puts infront of me.. it feels like if i dont feed into the normal drama of everyday that i loose friends and that feeling of ''fitting in'' for instance if someone asked me if i did somthing instead of me defending myself or explaining the situation i just dont give a crap and could care less to say anything to defend myself or make that person feel like i care... but you see the thing is i guess i do care otherwise i wouldnt be awake all alone chain smoking and poping sleeping pills trying to end each horrid day just to wake up to the next.

I recently met a old friend from school she seems really interested in me she is very beautiful she wants calls me and always wants to hang out.. i struggle to do these things yet i dont want to be alone maybe i wish i could meet someone i didnt have to hide who i am from? but that will never happen this post is real my thoughs are in stone what you read here is how i feel every single day of my life. im just like any other person wishing and hoping for somthing that never comes.. i guess like anyone else i dont really want to be alone i wish someone would just come like a theif in the night and save me from myself but i sit alone for this and hope for something that never comes.. nothing is going to save me and noone can help me i am a broken man.

I live in the united states of america i have been here for maybe 7 months now. before that i lived in australia with my ex wife the whole marrage was a lie and was bad. i cant say it was all her fault. i was not a good husband or a good man and i will probably never be. i accept that and expect to be alone. i dont want to be alone but by choice i will because i dont believe i as a person have anything positive to offer another human yet living creature in this world.. i will never be the one. i have hurt people within the 5 years i was married including those closest to me yet that was never my intention i just wanted to feel loved.. i didnt want to feel hallow anymore.. i didnt want anyone else around me to feel like i do.. i wanted people to know i care and show them they were not alone.. i wanted to feel like i wasnt alone.. and for alittle while it felt great but that was only a temporary solution not meant to last it was only a matter of time untill i was in the dirt again. i hurt anyone that gets close to me guaranteed.. so i act like i dont care.. when i am in pain i keep it to myself when people ask me how i am doing i say okay and leave as soon as ive made a appearance. maybe i do that just so people see i am there.. maybe that little bit of notice to my existance is what keeps me going. i am a lot better now at not getting close to people i try to keep my distance because i am a very dangerous person.. not physically but mentally. i am disaster.

i cant sleep i dont think i have slept in days and i work a full time job.. i have done so much for just being back in america for 7 months.. i am a supervisor and a machine operator and i make decent money.. i have my own place.. i have my own car.. i have good food.. i have nice clothes.. yet i have nothing. all of that is temporary happiness... for some people it is so easy to fill in the gaping hole within their souls but for me its not easy.. i wish i could do it.. i cant even watch tv or read a book or drink a cup of tea.. its a struggle to do those things they dont make me happy.. they dont make me forget. maybe i just think to much? how can people sit down together and watch tv and laugh and smile.. how can people joke and enjoy them selves? how can they talk about sports like everything is okay?!? i dont know these things! i dont think i ever will? there is no such thing as normal is there? these things i see people do everyday i do not understand.. i dont know what it is like to feel that way.. i went out with people from work a few nights ago they have been asking me for weeks so finally i went out with them.. and i saw how simple things looked for them.. maybe that is a cover? maybe they hide it better then i do? they make life look so simple? they can joke and dance and drink and have fun.. i was intrigued while i sat there alone just watching wishing i could act like that.. wishing i could do those things.. even if they are as miserable as i am how do they cover it up so well? or maybe they are having fun? i really dont know what that feels like.. i truely ask the question .. can people really be that happy? is it possible to feel like that?? i dont know..

I want to be happy i want to fall inlove with a woman and have her love me more then anything in this world.. i want to be a good loyal man.. i want to have friends.. i want to watch tv and act foolish just for fun.. i want to do these things.. but will? i will not. I don't think i was meant to be here

[M155anthr0p3]

Hi andy,

Your post has really upset me, wish I could make it better for you x

[paula lynne]

I feel so bad for you. I wish I could make it better. I hate to see others suffer, knowing I cant help. I want to say that Im thinking of you, and would encourage you to keep posting here.
Paula x

[Gemma T]

Ahhhhhh angel. Wish i could say something to help.

Maybe you will meet someone on this site who you can relate to.

You deserve love no matter what youve done in the past. Believe me im so far from perfect and my health anx is prob karma geting me back but that doesnt mean I will never find someone. Its just not as easy as it sounds.

x x x

[kibbutz83]

Hi, I think you'd be amazed at how many people feel the way you do... we live in a very isolating society full of lonely depressed people :( I was in your situation a few years ago, when my son was little. I smoked incessantly, drunk too much to block out the feelings of desperation I felt every minute of every day. The loneliness was more painful than any physical ailment I'd suffered (including giving birth)... Unfortunately though I believe I had to start liking myself, before I could hope for anyone else to care for me. I think we can only have destructive relationships with people when we are in self-destruct mode :( Sounds like you could be suffering from adrenal fatigue (as am I)... you have as much right to be happy as the next person, you just need to start believing it :) Be kinder to yourself x

[suzy-sue]

You are obviously depressed Andy and the self loathing goes hand in hand ..I dont know how long you have felt like? this but you post suggests a very long time .I found your post very honest but I suspect it was you being rather harsh on yourself about certain things .All part of the condition ..For somone as young as you to feel so empty is very sad .It is possible to recover and feel happy and feel the pleasures of doing normal things .But your post suggests this all deep rooted and will need some sort of help , .But I think you are aware of that ?.I hope you find your way out of feeling like his .You deserve to .Despite what you think at the moment . Take good care of yourself and dont feel you are alone in feeling like this .Many have been there .And come through the other side ...Lots of luv Sue x:hugs:

[Yorkman]

I can relate to you, pm me if you want to chat!
Take care of yourself!