View Full Version : Will I ever be free of panic attacks and agoraphobia? Exposure not working :(
I had my first panic attack 4 or 5 years ago, and since then have gradually descended into agoraphobia. I still work full time but I haven't driven more than about 6 miles from home for a long time. Just the thought of it is terrifying.
A few months ago, my grandad had a stroke and ended up in hospital for about 3 months. During this time, I visited him regularly (once every 3 days or so), and the hospital was about 6 miles from home. I would class this as exposure therapy, but every time I went, I still felt just as anxious. I felt so demoralised that even after doing the same journey at least 15 times, I was still feeling panicky.
I think the problem is that I am still terrified of having a panic attack. I find myself constantly thinking "Don't have a panic attack, just calm down, you'll be fine" and trying to tell myself that I won't have an attack. What I should be thinking is "So what if I have a panic attack?"
When I have a panic attack, I feel like I can't breathe, my heart races, I feel boiling hot, and have an overwhelming need to get out of wherever I am, and just get home. I feel like if I don't get out I'll collapse, something terrible will happen, I'll make a fool of myself etc.
I guess I'm also scared of being away from home, having a panic attack and getting worked up into such a state that I am incapable of driving home. Sometimes this gets me down so much. You wouldnt think it would be possible to think of one thing all day every day, 24/7, but that is literally my life. Panic attacks/anxiety is ALWAYS on my mind in some way or other. I have a lot of chest/arm pains, my heart races, I always seem to have some 'symptom' of a heart problem, and I just can't seem to get out of this rut. I would love to have a 'normal' life, but am wondering if it is really possible. I don't think I have the courage to actually expose myself to scary situations.
Does anybody else feel like this? Sorry for the ramble, just felt like I had to offload... x
M155anthr0p3
23-08-11, 21:54
I feel like that most days Ann, it's how you deal with it I think.
I think it's the fear rather than the attack itself..have you ever actually sat it out when it's happening? Faced it?
Don't fear it...just accept that it is what it is and it will pass.
You've done amazing for someone with agora xxx
You're definitely right; the fear of the attack is the worst part. In actual fact, the 'fear' part of the panic attack is worse than any of the physical symptoms. I just get this overwhelming terror that something awful is about to happen, and that's the thing that I really can't get a grip of. I wouldn't wish this on anybody but I do take some comfort from the fact that I'm not the only one going through this.
I have tried to keep my agoraphobia secret for as long as possible, but a few weeks ago I had to tell the truth to my family as there was a wedding about 2 hours drive away and I obviously couldn't go. I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for; in fact they didn't even reply to my message which really upset me, and other family members have been off with me since. I don't know if they think I just couldn't be bothered going, or if they think I should pull my socks up and sort my head out or what, but it's really gutted me. I have always been embarrassed about my panic attacks/anxiety, and when people react like this, it just reinforces that feeling.
Thanks so much for your reassurance anyway, it does help :)
Hi Ann
You can recover from this, but it takes time. You are afraid of the panic, but it is this cycle of fear which is keeping you anxious. What you have to do is just accept that you are feeling anxious or may feel anxious at some point but go ahead with what you are doing or what you want to do anyway and try and 'float' through it. When you manage to do this successfully your confidence will increase and this cycle will be broken. You will then find you can do more and more without the constant anxiety.
If the driving aspect is a major worry, would you be able to get a lift or a taxi (or even a bus) to the wedding? This would show that you really do want to go, but it is a genuine problem or else why would you resort to this when you have a car? It would also have the advantage that you could have a drink or two to steady your nerves without worrying about being unfit to drive due to alcohol. If your family feel you are making an excuse it is really worth showing them they are wrong and if you turn up looking stressed in a taxi they will probably appreciate your effort and do their best to look after you. You will feel a great sense of achievement for doing it too!
Tyke :)
KayleighJane
24-08-11, 09:44
Hi Ann,
For me it is definately the fear of having an attack that is the worst part because you remember from past attacks how bad they are and then you get fearful because you dont want to go through the symptoms again.
I think your right in thinking that you should be saying "so what another panic attack" this is a good attitude because the panic is feeding off your fear so if you dont give it that ammunition then it cannot do anything to you, I try and do this as much as possible, CBT techniques have helped a great deal. I still have those panicky feelings there but I just tell them to go away most of the time!
Kayleigh x
Hi Ann
Yes I feel EXACTLY the same. CBT always tells you that doing something repeatedly helps the anxiety to die down. But for me it never has. For example, for months I did the same 10-minute walk around the block almost every day, but it never got any easier. Every time I felt terrified of having a panic attack. I think for me it's because I don't actually have a full-blown panic attack very often, not walking around the block anyway - just high anxiety. So what I'm scared of (having a panic attack) doesn't happen during that walk, so I haven't actually been exposed to what I fear - therefore it's not really exposure therapy. All that happens is I do it feeling terrified so every time it's as bad as ever because this might be the time I properly panic. If when you were driving to the hospital you were just about keeping it under control and not having a full-on panic, then maybe the same thing applies to you - you weren't actually being exposed to your fear, so it was just as bad every time (if that makes sense)?
It's just a theory from my experiences... and it seems impossible to me to not be afraid of panic - since panic is fear itself!
Hi Tyke, thanks for your reassurance. Unfortunately the wedding was last weekend and I didnt go. To be honest it's not just the driving that's the problem, it's the fact that I would be 100miles away from home. When I have a panic attack all I want to do is go home RIGHT NOW and just the idea of not being able to do that is enough to send me into a panic attack.
Kjane - it's great to hear that CBT is helping you. I've had CBT but it hasnt really helped me, but only because I haven't put myself in the situations I fear. I hope one day I can be as brave as you!
Abs79 - we sound so similar! You're definitely spot on about the exposure. The situation we fear is having a bad panic attack, not the actual place. So no matter how much we go to these places (in your case, the walk around the block), we are not actually exposing ourselves to our real fear: the panic. And so the cycle continues. The simple fact is that until we go into a panic attack, sit through it and try to RELAX, our fear won't go away.
To be honest I have had the exact same thought about the impossibility of facing panic head on; as you say, a panic attack IS fear, so how can you not fear it?! I don't know, but if we can just learn not to fear the physical symptoms, then maybe the fear of fear will naturally reduce. I hope anyway; I'm determined not to let this take over the rest of my life. I hope you are too :)
Our fear of having an attack is the prison and the key is accepting that we may have an attack but that does not mean that we will go back to square one. If we can see that each attack is a learning and not a negative we can use it to move forward. Most people think they are going to die pass out make a fool of themselves but in truth they dont. I sat in my anxiety agoraphobia panic like a pig in shit for years. Fearing every heart beat or missed heart beat, examining every new/old feeling and coming up with my own expert diagnosis......yeah am gonna die. Here is the silly bit(HAVE YOU DIED) Well we know you have not as you have posted here.
Feels like your going to die but thats because we dont face the fear.
Every time we run from the fear we give life to the fear
I suggest moving slowly
Forget all you know and start with small steps
Now I dont care how bad anyones fear is on here, you can overcome it. Now it may not be overnight or in a week or a month but you will overcome your fear.
EG I cant leave the house........whats stopping you?.............I think x y z will happen...........has x y z ever happened to you...no........so it may never happen.
The more we focus on what might happen in a negative way the more we become chained to that fear.
So you want to leave the house
PLAN PLAN PLAN
Today I am going to go 100yrd or I will drive somewhere different. If you are really bad with your fear I would suggest taking someone with you at the start and use that time to progress.
Yes I definitely think the key is to stop fearing the panic, otherwise you just spend your life in a state of constant high anxiety and hypervigilance for the smallest sign of it happening - talking yourself out of panicking, and waiting for it to happen, and feeling like you've had a lucky escape every time it doesn't happen... So the fear never goes away. It's a vicious circle and I've had absolutely no luck in breaking it so far! One thing I've learnt is that for me at least, it's nothing to do with the place itself - I could go somewhere 100 times and still be just as anxious because the panic could still happen, so all the repeated exposure is a waste of time really, until I can actually panic and sit through it.
Jude, I've done loads of work in CBT on the 'xyz might happen, has it ever happened, no, so it's very unlikely to ever happen' - and I know it's logical and true but it doesn't seem to make any difference to me. I'm still just as terrified that it might happen and the feelings at the time are still overwhelming. It just doesn't seem to get through to my brain!
That is true.....I could go somewhere 100 times and still be just as anxious because the panic could still happen, so all the repeated exposure is a waste of time really, until I can actually panic and sit through it. I once read this We allow our minds to talk to us but we should be talking to our minds. We should be saying NO I am not going to panic and if I do I will be able to cope.
CBT needs acceptance we need to believe that what we are told is stronger than the fear we have. A person in a burning building is told to jump but the fear of hurting themselves is stronger than the fear of the fire. Now the switch is when we see that the fire will damage us more than the jump and when we hear that, its okay we will catch you.
We need to see that by remaining in fear is causing us damage and by that I mean we are not living our life in joy. Each one of us deserves joy happiness contentment and it is within our reach.
Dont wait for an attack to happen but go about your life.
Ann you are right that the fear of panic attacks is making you agoraphobic. The issue plainly is that until you accept that the panic attack will never hurt you then it will continue to plague you.
Many people have posted that continued exposure dosent seem to work and I concur with that 100%. So what is the answer, well its as Dr Claire Weeks puts it which is go out expecting the panic to occur and encourage it, welcome it. By doing this you will stop the anticipatory anxiety that is the catalyst for the rest. When out just accept you will feel odd but work through it with small steps. Once the anticipatory anxiety stops you are 75% there as that is the highest point of the anxiety loop.
The other point Ann is that no family member will ever truly understand panic attacks and agoraphobia so the odd reactions you encountered are not unusual.
Don't be hard on yourself and I applaud you on what you have done and what you continue to do.
Andy_gashwin
26-08-11, 02:34
hi there. I think its very difficult to deal with those situations without medications. having read many books and spoken to many psychiatrists its been really difficult without the chemical part of it. that's my experience i have found it very difficult to get those thoughts out of my mind and getting rid of anxiety without external help. its really difficult for me
I have always stayed away from posting on message boards until last night lol. Anne, you can over come it! I was absolutely house bound for almost 5 years! I could not even leave my room half the time! Over the past 2 years I have done tons of reading and self education. And finally started taking baby steps.. I have noticed most of it is in my head.. Its more anticipation anxiety! After 7 years of living with anxiety and panic I finally made my baby steps and saw a Dr a week ago, and even a counselor 2 days ago!
these are things I never thought I would be able to do again! I suggest a book called "From Panic to Power" and an at home CBT book/ guide called "The clients guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy"
It will show you just how much our thoughts have a hold of us! I am not fully recovered by any means! But as of today I can go shopping, take longer rides, see Drs and just get out when I want too.. I am now on day 2 of my medication and staying positive so I may keep moving forward!
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