bubba14
24-08-11, 11:55
Hi all,
I am going through a pretty tough time at the moment arising from the shame felt from an intrusive OCD thought that occured two days ago while on holiday. I haven't posted before on any OCD forum as I feel that at times it is possible to talk yourself into conditions but have decided to give it a go on this occassion.
I should first explain my issue with travelling as it has been a constant with regard to spikes in intrusive thoughts. On a trip to the Canaries 8 years ago, at the age of 20, I experienced my first highly anxious intrusive thought which sent me into depression and subsequent anti depressants, of which I am now only reducing in dosage. The thought itself involved me thinking about jumping off my high story apartment - not that I wanted to. The disorientation of unfamiliar surroundings and signifcant alcohol consumption increased the severity of the thought with voices in my head saying 'do it, do it'. I had to bury myself in my pillow, waiting for the anxiousness of the thoughts to subside, and was then left with an overwhelming shame leading me into fully fledged depression. I was freaked out by the ease of 'just snapping' and pictured things like how my family would deal with my death should it have occured.
I have been on numeous other trips abroad since then and seem to be constantly very anxious. I have a recurring thought of jumping into a river or a sea as I feel unsafe in my unfamiliar surroundings. This is not like me at all, as in my home country I am very logical and quite a relaxed person.
At the start of this year, I started seeing a girl who I love very much. I wanted to address the anxiety I feel around travelling so we booked a trip abroad last week. Given my previous feelings while abroad, I felt anxious leaving but controlled things pretty well. We had three very hectic days of sight seeing and excursions in sweltering heat and on our last night we went for something to eat and had a few drinks. Afterwards we went to see the City at night but I was completely overwhelmed by the scale of it, and also the unfamiliarity. I still managed to contain it until we walked across a bridge and the fierce intrusive thoughts emerged again. This time it was about pushing my girlfriend over the edge (I am going through a cold sweat as I type this) with the 'do it, do it, do it' of 8 years ago returning (I should mention I never displayed any symptoms of schizophrenia). I kept walking, almost zoning out of my surroundings, until we were over the bridge and the anxiety subsided. But the guilt remains. Like the Canaries, I had pictures of what might have happened and it was terrifying. Worse probably than before as I wasnt the injured party so to speak, but someone who I love as much as anyone in the world.
Now, I am back in my home country and I don't really know what to feel. I know that I am a good person but again I am freaked out by the ease of 'just snapping' and wonder what if I didn't hold it together for those couple of minutes. I can't bear to think about it so the depression comes down and I just go through the motions. I said to my girlfriend afterwards that I had mad thoughts and that was why I was quiet but didn't specify what they are. She suffers from depression herself and is an incredible person but I can't share this with her.
I am just searching for ways to weaken the intensity of shame at the moment and get back to myself as I know what is going on and I know I am not to blame. Doesn't help though.
Thanks for reading,
Bubba14
I am going through a pretty tough time at the moment arising from the shame felt from an intrusive OCD thought that occured two days ago while on holiday. I haven't posted before on any OCD forum as I feel that at times it is possible to talk yourself into conditions but have decided to give it a go on this occassion.
I should first explain my issue with travelling as it has been a constant with regard to spikes in intrusive thoughts. On a trip to the Canaries 8 years ago, at the age of 20, I experienced my first highly anxious intrusive thought which sent me into depression and subsequent anti depressants, of which I am now only reducing in dosage. The thought itself involved me thinking about jumping off my high story apartment - not that I wanted to. The disorientation of unfamiliar surroundings and signifcant alcohol consumption increased the severity of the thought with voices in my head saying 'do it, do it'. I had to bury myself in my pillow, waiting for the anxiousness of the thoughts to subside, and was then left with an overwhelming shame leading me into fully fledged depression. I was freaked out by the ease of 'just snapping' and pictured things like how my family would deal with my death should it have occured.
I have been on numeous other trips abroad since then and seem to be constantly very anxious. I have a recurring thought of jumping into a river or a sea as I feel unsafe in my unfamiliar surroundings. This is not like me at all, as in my home country I am very logical and quite a relaxed person.
At the start of this year, I started seeing a girl who I love very much. I wanted to address the anxiety I feel around travelling so we booked a trip abroad last week. Given my previous feelings while abroad, I felt anxious leaving but controlled things pretty well. We had three very hectic days of sight seeing and excursions in sweltering heat and on our last night we went for something to eat and had a few drinks. Afterwards we went to see the City at night but I was completely overwhelmed by the scale of it, and also the unfamiliarity. I still managed to contain it until we walked across a bridge and the fierce intrusive thoughts emerged again. This time it was about pushing my girlfriend over the edge (I am going through a cold sweat as I type this) with the 'do it, do it, do it' of 8 years ago returning (I should mention I never displayed any symptoms of schizophrenia). I kept walking, almost zoning out of my surroundings, until we were over the bridge and the anxiety subsided. But the guilt remains. Like the Canaries, I had pictures of what might have happened and it was terrifying. Worse probably than before as I wasnt the injured party so to speak, but someone who I love as much as anyone in the world.
Now, I am back in my home country and I don't really know what to feel. I know that I am a good person but again I am freaked out by the ease of 'just snapping' and wonder what if I didn't hold it together for those couple of minutes. I can't bear to think about it so the depression comes down and I just go through the motions. I said to my girlfriend afterwards that I had mad thoughts and that was why I was quiet but didn't specify what they are. She suffers from depression herself and is an incredible person but I can't share this with her.
I am just searching for ways to weaken the intensity of shame at the moment and get back to myself as I know what is going on and I know I am not to blame. Doesn't help though.
Thanks for reading,
Bubba14