shiv
24-08-11, 13:51
Hey all. Been reading posts here for some days and thought it was about time I said 'hi'.... so hi!
My anxiety and depression have never gone away, they just come down to a level where they become a minor background irritation and generally manageable (if that makes sense?). But then there's the relapse. Happens every year or two and here I am in the midst of my worse relapse yet. The symptoms that used to scare the bejesus out of me I now laugh I'm the face of: ha! Symptoms like eptopics, shaking, depersonalisation- they're nothing, nowt, nada compared to what I am going through right now. Yes, I'm depressed but this depression is crushing and dark, REALLY DARK. I have three wonderful kids who do me so proud particularly in light of the horrible, violent marriage I escaped from 3 years ago. We lost EVERYTHING, house, car, the lot. I kept pushing and working and pushing and working some more (up to 100 hours a week as a community carer) and we now have our own lovely home and life should be great. But it isn't. Something inside of me has given. I often spend my days wondering if I'm actually going mad and is it possible to die of depression cos that's how bad it feels. I can't take medication cos of a long standing phobia of meds. I don't think counselling or cbt would help any more because I'm that far gone. And ironically I could have some of the best professional help in the world: my dad is the very same Kevin Gournay who has contributed to this site in the way of articles etc but like I say I think I'm too far gone to benefit from that kinda help and besides I hate to keep bothering him as lovely as he always is about it all.
Anyway what I guess I'm trying to say is I'm low, as low as a person can be. Full of self loathing. I want to be normal and love life again. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for reading.
Siobhan
My anxiety and depression have never gone away, they just come down to a level where they become a minor background irritation and generally manageable (if that makes sense?). But then there's the relapse. Happens every year or two and here I am in the midst of my worse relapse yet. The symptoms that used to scare the bejesus out of me I now laugh I'm the face of: ha! Symptoms like eptopics, shaking, depersonalisation- they're nothing, nowt, nada compared to what I am going through right now. Yes, I'm depressed but this depression is crushing and dark, REALLY DARK. I have three wonderful kids who do me so proud particularly in light of the horrible, violent marriage I escaped from 3 years ago. We lost EVERYTHING, house, car, the lot. I kept pushing and working and pushing and working some more (up to 100 hours a week as a community carer) and we now have our own lovely home and life should be great. But it isn't. Something inside of me has given. I often spend my days wondering if I'm actually going mad and is it possible to die of depression cos that's how bad it feels. I can't take medication cos of a long standing phobia of meds. I don't think counselling or cbt would help any more because I'm that far gone. And ironically I could have some of the best professional help in the world: my dad is the very same Kevin Gournay who has contributed to this site in the way of articles etc but like I say I think I'm too far gone to benefit from that kinda help and besides I hate to keep bothering him as lovely as he always is about it all.
Anyway what I guess I'm trying to say is I'm low, as low as a person can be. Full of self loathing. I want to be normal and love life again. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for reading.
Siobhan