IAM
24-08-11, 19:08
Hi everyone,
I guess this is the first time that I have talked about this. And it seems to be the right place to tell my story and to read myself well. When I was 20 years old I went on holiday with my brother and after some drinking and fun in the sun, I woke up one day and found that I was scared of everything, everything worried me and I could not relax. I spent the rest of the holiday in the bath tub with some beers to calm the nerves and the doctor gave me something to take if it go to bad. Since that day I have never been the same, this is now 12 years ago and I still suffer from anxiety and nerves. It shapes my day and my life, I was so outwards and sporty when I was young. A little creasy and very creative. And not scared of anything, now I am but a shadow of what I was, I always want to go back and be that boy. Good with the girls confident and funny.
Now 12 years later and I have learned a lot from having this, I have been better and worse and now when I am writing this I am worse, but what keeps me going is the will I have to explore and create. To understand and to help.
Having anxiety is the hardest thing that has happened to me, but it has though me so much as well. And my quest for getting better will never stop.
Everyone in the world has given me a diagnose and told me what was wrong, but every diagnose was different from one and other, and that is because I am one of the people that does not fit in to one category. People like me fall in between every diagnose, there are layers like an onion to what I have. And when you peel away one layer you find another. I have found ways to cope with this for all this years but it is and will not go away, and for me that is fine. I do not mind a compromise for being alive and still getting to see all the things in life. I wish I was not so scared inside and it would help me if I told people about it but when I am bad I tell a lie and I hate it. But people that has never had anxiety will not understand. If someone have never fallen in love how can you explain loved to someone and expect them to understand how you feel if they have no memory of the feeling. I wish that I could go out with the boy’s and get drunk and have a laugh, but if I do I will feel so anxious the day after and maybe even two days after, and it is not worth it. Even if I have one or two pints I will feel so hangover and anxious the day after. I just want to be normal more than anything else, have a girlfriend and someday a family, but I have more than enough with taking care of myself.
I have not fallen asleep without a TV on in 12 years, I hate the silence. When it is silence I think and for me that is not good, I think in spirals and worry about things that are not a problem but I make them a problem in my head.
But not everything is so dark and sad, I have good spells that can last for a very long time, I live an almost normal life, I go to work every day, I finished my education (almost) and I am getting very good with my art and photography. I moved away from where I grew up. The winters where to long and it got my very down for a long time, but when I came to the UK 3 years ago it helped me a lot. When I feel bad I feel like running away, going to an remote island and stay on the beach alone and take pictures and paint. But if I end up going I bring my anxiety with me and there is no escaping from it. So I have learn to face it with all I am. I will never stop fighting back and trying to get better, and if this means that means that I cannot go to the pub with the boys and have some fun, well that is a small price to pay.
I have read a lot on the forums here and it is one of the best way for you to get well, knowledge is everything when it comes to panic attacks and anxiety, reading that you are not alone and what you feel is not going to kill you is important.
I hope that when I am here I can find help in others, and I hope that others will find help in me, I have had this for as long as I can remember and I have had all the symptoms, and every time I understand that it is my anxiety it does not scar me anymore. I am use to being scared, and feeling nerves, but if I think something is wrong with my body it makes it worse.
Someone told me once that you cannot prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest. You are in charge even if you feel week and scared, you can’t go insane, if you run in to a field with not people and scream as hard as you can and try to go insane, you will not turn creasy. You will scream to you get tired and understand that you are still in control.
I hope this was not too long and boring for you all, and if you have any questions I will be here to help you and myself.
IAM
I guess this is the first time that I have talked about this. And it seems to be the right place to tell my story and to read myself well. When I was 20 years old I went on holiday with my brother and after some drinking and fun in the sun, I woke up one day and found that I was scared of everything, everything worried me and I could not relax. I spent the rest of the holiday in the bath tub with some beers to calm the nerves and the doctor gave me something to take if it go to bad. Since that day I have never been the same, this is now 12 years ago and I still suffer from anxiety and nerves. It shapes my day and my life, I was so outwards and sporty when I was young. A little creasy and very creative. And not scared of anything, now I am but a shadow of what I was, I always want to go back and be that boy. Good with the girls confident and funny.
Now 12 years later and I have learned a lot from having this, I have been better and worse and now when I am writing this I am worse, but what keeps me going is the will I have to explore and create. To understand and to help.
Having anxiety is the hardest thing that has happened to me, but it has though me so much as well. And my quest for getting better will never stop.
Everyone in the world has given me a diagnose and told me what was wrong, but every diagnose was different from one and other, and that is because I am one of the people that does not fit in to one category. People like me fall in between every diagnose, there are layers like an onion to what I have. And when you peel away one layer you find another. I have found ways to cope with this for all this years but it is and will not go away, and for me that is fine. I do not mind a compromise for being alive and still getting to see all the things in life. I wish I was not so scared inside and it would help me if I told people about it but when I am bad I tell a lie and I hate it. But people that has never had anxiety will not understand. If someone have never fallen in love how can you explain loved to someone and expect them to understand how you feel if they have no memory of the feeling. I wish that I could go out with the boy’s and get drunk and have a laugh, but if I do I will feel so anxious the day after and maybe even two days after, and it is not worth it. Even if I have one or two pints I will feel so hangover and anxious the day after. I just want to be normal more than anything else, have a girlfriend and someday a family, but I have more than enough with taking care of myself.
I have not fallen asleep without a TV on in 12 years, I hate the silence. When it is silence I think and for me that is not good, I think in spirals and worry about things that are not a problem but I make them a problem in my head.
But not everything is so dark and sad, I have good spells that can last for a very long time, I live an almost normal life, I go to work every day, I finished my education (almost) and I am getting very good with my art and photography. I moved away from where I grew up. The winters where to long and it got my very down for a long time, but when I came to the UK 3 years ago it helped me a lot. When I feel bad I feel like running away, going to an remote island and stay on the beach alone and take pictures and paint. But if I end up going I bring my anxiety with me and there is no escaping from it. So I have learn to face it with all I am. I will never stop fighting back and trying to get better, and if this means that means that I cannot go to the pub with the boys and have some fun, well that is a small price to pay.
I have read a lot on the forums here and it is one of the best way for you to get well, knowledge is everything when it comes to panic attacks and anxiety, reading that you are not alone and what you feel is not going to kill you is important.
I hope that when I am here I can find help in others, and I hope that others will find help in me, I have had this for as long as I can remember and I have had all the symptoms, and every time I understand that it is my anxiety it does not scar me anymore. I am use to being scared, and feeling nerves, but if I think something is wrong with my body it makes it worse.
Someone told me once that you cannot prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest. You are in charge even if you feel week and scared, you can’t go insane, if you run in to a field with not people and scream as hard as you can and try to go insane, you will not turn creasy. You will scream to you get tired and understand that you are still in control.
I hope this was not too long and boring for you all, and if you have any questions I will be here to help you and myself.
IAM