its sooo silly!!!

[Buby]

ello!

im not sure if this is depression or me just bein plain silly! but im not allowed to go on that chatroom, faceparty, anymore because its bein investigated by the police because under-age girls r puttin photos on there. but ive been chattin to this lad for a couple of months and we've really got to no each other..hes like my best mate now! but i cant chat to him anymore and now i feel really....i dunno...just lost wivout him...he makes me feel good and he understands everything..ive even told him about my pa's and he says his mum has them too....but only wen driving. but now that i cant talk to him anymore i dont no who to chat to cause im not sure if im allowed to chat in this chatroom or not.

Ive had depression twice and it lasted quite along time and i HATED it, it made me feel useless and i was so quiet and angry. not with anythin in particular just angry with myself for not doin anythin to help myself recover from it. But i really dont want it again cos my mum and dad r havin such a rough time lately!! (that makes me angry tho....cos they cant seem to get on they r always fightin!!!!)

i had this thought the other day. it was about these girls that r bullyin me and my mate. And i just pictured shoutin at them and standin up to them and askin them to hit me if they were threatenin to.......the thought of this made me so angry i nearly hit the wall. Just writin this is makin me feel angry...and quite upset actually....im not sure if its all this stress thats goin on with my mum and dad or just me tryin to keep things inside!!! it makes me angry that i cant stress out too..i dunno why cos i dont want to stress out! ive always wanted people to b scared of me and i think all this stuff buildin up inside me is makin things worse. im nopt sure if i shud ask my mum for a punchin bag or summit just to let the steam out! its like i want to stand up to my mum shout at her and for her to kick me out the house! and i no that sounds strange cos why wud any1 want to b on the streets? but its just so hard to control my feelins for much longer. I just want them out!!!! i remember the first time i was depressed...me mum had sent me to my room because i didnt go to school (cos i find it hard) i was in about yr 4 and i was up in my room for days...and im so ashmed but i tried to suffercate my cat..but i stuck a pillow over him for like 5 seconds! i no i shudnt of but i found it so hard to control myself...thank god i still got my cat today...i love him soo much he makes me feel better!

i do feel like this is depression but im not sure and i dont want to go back to how i was....all quiet neva out my room. but i dont no wot to do to help me stop feelin like this cos i dont want to give this lad my number cos im not sure if hes really my age....better to b safe!

can i ask? does readin have an affect on bein angry?? cos im readin Martina Coles's 'two women' ive read it 2 times and its all about woman beatin and rape and everythin and that makes me angry and im not sure if that got somethin to do woth the way im feeling. im redain it now i started it again last night and im on about page 90 somethn already......its just all so confusin....every thought...anythin i watch...books i read....or mayb its me...keepin to many feelings inside....im not sure.

i just wanted to get it out.not that it helped that much cos now i feel quite angry....omg its like im gonna explode...anyway before i do ill finish this off. erm...any advice on how to control myself from hurtin me, my friends or my family???

hugs (i need 1 :( ) love Rachel xxxxxx

[sarah]

Hiya Rach

Cor you are in a state arent you matey?

Firstly I think the punch bag idea is brilliant. It will allow you to use up all that frustration and adrenaline...exercising gives you happy hormones too, I always feel happier after a hard swim, and more relaxed!!!!

As for the website, theres nothing you can do about that mate..its being investigated so just leave it at that.

Reading stirs up strong emotions for me, I use reading as an escape from the real world sometimes and get really engrossed like im actually there..know what I mean? Ive read that book by Martina Cole and brilliant though it is, maybe you should start reading other books...typical beach holiday trash escapism is something that brightens my mood.

On a more understanding note, I used to lock myself in my room for days and I didnt suffer from panic or depression then at all. Its just typical teenager behavior..believe me. All those hormones flying round your body im not surprised you are feeling bad!!! I used to be moody, backchat my mum, sulk, cry at stupid stuff..you name it, I did it!

seriously tho, I dont think theres necessarily anything wrong with you, you are just growing up. Being a teenager is hard, you arent old enough for loads of things you want to do, no matter how old you feel, and it makes you feel frustrated doesnt it?

Is there a councellor at school you can offload on or a trusted teacher? My sister had problems when she was about 13/14 so mum took her to the docs and she got councelling free from there. (She's grown up into a really sensible, intelligent woman..she's 27, married, 2 lovely kids so it really helped to ground her).

feel free to offload on us anytime, email me if you want to Rach.

Heres a hug for ya :)

love Sarah
xx

[brill]

Wow rachel it sounds like you have a lot of anger there mate.I personally do not recomend you read stuff like that.(I know that when my son gets to your age I won,t let him read those kind of books)It sounds to me as if you are checking in with a whole range of emotions mate.(It is understandable with the things going on in you life.)You must also Remember that at you age you body has a lot going on.But I am no expert on this so I will leave sombody else to explain that to you.

One thing Rachel I have found is never take you anger out on others (your cat)You do have to find a way to let it out.I dont know how you feel adout it but I really recomend you talk to sombody removed from your situation maybe a school councler or somebody like that.

Ok rachel I will say by for now and tc

Brill.

Never give up
Never give in
Life,s to short
Make it last :)
Brill

[andrew]

hi rachel

wow long post, hug for you.

from the chatroom convo, maybe your wanting to be different cos your angry and its your way of 'getting back', if you know what i mean.

anger is a feeling that is just as strong as anxiety or depression. a punchbag is a brilliant idea, exercise is good, you could even give your pillow a good beating lol and try and talk about it cos its best not left bottled up.

growing up, bullies, mum and dad stuff, too many feelings eh. but dont forget, you've got better, you cope with the depression and anxiety and now you've just gotta learn to vent some of that anger out safely, im sure you will

hope this is usefull :-)

take care andrew

[Buby]

cheers guys and thanx for the hugs :P i needed them. counsellors dont work ive been too 3 and ive haerd everythin before...its stuff i alreday no. and i no i can get through this is just hard for me cos i dont no how to get through it.

sarah: can u name some books so that i can ave a look down smiths or summit...keep me busy! i love holidays..i aint been on hols for ages so that mite make me feel like im in a different place so i can make my mind wonder.

andrew: yeh i no wot u mean bout 'gettin back' i do feel like i want someone to focus on me for a change it sound selfish but its like 'why cant anyone see it like i can' im not an attention seeker or anythin( altho sumtimes i mite sound it wen im chattin) but i just want some1 to notice me. du no wot i mean?

i got too many feelins inside me rite now and i feel i just need to let them slide but findin out how is summit else....ive ben out wiv me mates lately and thats taken my mind off of it, spesh afta i been playin a bit of footie and in the mornin me muscles ache like hell! hehe!

anyway thanx for all the support and advice and its gd to no i can bore u all to death wiv my moans and groans :P and u all give such warm hugs :)

anyway ill give ure heads a rest now...hugs Rachel xxxx

[HB]

hey rach,
I can understand exactly what you are going through... i met my current boyfriend on the net and once we lost contact coz my computer had broken.... i was DEVASTATED. However, then I realised that i was relying on him too much and that eventually i would get back in touch with him. If you have an email addy for him then add him to msn or yahoo?
I know it is easy to rely on one person so it is hard what you are going through.
Hope you're ok. Take care wont you?
Love helen x

H

[Buby]

cheers Helen, i have got his addy now i got it last nite wen i snuck on the chatroom...naughty naughty. but we've emailed each ova like 5 times each today...and he makes me smile so much. hes so sweet and i love him to pieces. thats the way i think we'll b chattin now, is just by email. me dads gettin the hump tho wiv me runnin up the bill, nvm, wots gotta b dun has gotat b dun :).

i will take care and i hope u do too, hugs Rachel xxxx

[kate]

Rach,

Just make sure you don't give out ANY personal information to this "lad".

Remember, people on the internet can pretend to be anyone of any age.

Please, just be very careful.

Take care

Kate x

[HB]

yay!
I'm glad you have got hold of this person again!
But like Kate says, be careful. If you do meet this boy then take someone with you and meet in a crowded place.
I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now and we are embarrased when people ask how we met but if we didnt both have the courage to do it then i would have lost my best friend. Well done for being careful!! :-)
Good luck!


H

[Buby]

cheers guys, and dont worry ill neva give out my info. im so plzed for u and ure bf H, id love to meet this boy but we no we cant but we love chattin to each ova. we cant stop emailin each ova hes so sweet. like me teddy hehe. but fanx guys for all the support uve given me i reallu do appreciate it.

hugs and lot and lots of extra 1s Rachel xxxxx

[Laurie28]

Rachel,

Marian Keyes are good, easy, lighthearted reads!!

Lucky

[Buby]

cheers lucky, ill look out for sum. hugs xxx

[nomorepanic]

Rach

Is this guy called Jay by any chance?

Nicola

[Buby]

......yeh.....and i no we shudnt b usin ure chatroom, but its the only ova way i can chat to him, if u want we can stop.

[nomorepanic]

Rach

He keeps coming in and asking for you - how sweet. ;)

I don't mind ok. Who I am to stand in the way of true love [:p]

Nicola

[Buby]

aww cheers nic. i really appreciate it. he is really sweet in he. thank u thank u thank u!!!

hugs Rachel xxxxx

[nomorepanic]

No probs Rach - but we do want to know all the details - lol.

Hope it goes ok.

Nicola

[nomorepanic]

Rach

I just sent you an email - take a look.

Nicola

[Buby]

aww cheers nic. ure so sweet. ahhh im all happy now. love u!!!

[Buby]

omg ive messed up sooo bad!!!!

last nite jay came in in a different name and i had a feelin it was him (board house wife) and i started messin round sayin he was annoyin and stuff like that but i didnt mean it. but now wen i emailed him to explain that if it was him, i am sorry and i just wanted to no if it was him and i was only messin round. but he emailed me back and now hes callin me a b***h and i no i hurt him but i was only bein silly. now i dunno wot to say to him. he hates me and doesnt want to no me now! im so stupid!!!!

[kate]

Rach,

As I said in a previous post, on the internet you don't know who you are getting involved with.

"Jay" could be absolutely anyone of any age.

Using words like b***h and suchlike towards other people on the net is not nice.

You wouldn't put up with people in "real life" calling you such names, would you?

The good thing about the net though is if someone is disrespecting you in such a way, you can just have absolutely nothing more to do with them.

Don't let people speak to you in that manner, especially someone who you don't know.

You are only 14, Rachel, and I know I wouldn't want my kids e mailing someone that they know only from the net.

Don't let it worry you any longer, move on.

Kate x

[Buby]

cheers kate, thats really put it into prospective for me. and u r rite he cud b anyone. thanx kate.

hugs Rachel xxxxx

[kate]

Hiya Rachel,

Hope I didn't sound too harsh, was just thinking about it from a "Mommy" point of view!!

Take care, Rach

Kate x

[Buby]

nah kate ure ok. u werent to harsh. its gd to hear wot sum1 else thinks neway. makes u think things through.

[nomorepanic]

Rach

I think that is very mean of him cos he told us that he was very keen on you. When I next see him on MSN I will be having a word ok!!!!

Sorry to hear that cos I know you liked him.

Take care

xxxx

Nicola

[nomorepanic]

Rach

I talked to Jay on MSN and I don't want to get too involved but I think it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. He said you are mates now and that is all so I guess something came out of it.

Nicola

[Buby]

yeh he sed hes forgiven me but i dont think he has. i was only messin wiv him, he takes things so seriously, but ill email him again later see if he really has forgiven me. xxxxx

[nomorepanic]

Men eh Rach?

Nicola

[Buby]

not gd enuf for us women!! ill tell ya. xxxxx

[Buby]

nic- i am sooooooo so sorry for invitin jay into this chatroom, it was a HUGE mistake. and i am so sorry he acts like he does. i didnt realise hed b like he is cos he isnt normally. so im so very sorry. plz forgive me xxx hugs xxx

[nomorepanic]

Rach

I talked to him on MSN last night and he had a few choice words to say about us all. Don't worry about it ok - I can handle him. I just don't want him pretending to be other people cos it confuses us in chat and when someone new comes in, we don't know whether to trust them or not.

It is not your fault Rach so don't get stressed about it ok? He will get bored of it soon.

Hugs to you xxxxx

Nicola

[kate]

Rachel,

As Nic says, not your fault.

Try not to worry about it.:D

Kate x