Buby
09-04-04, 22:28
ello!
im not sure if this is depression or me just bein plain silly! but im not allowed to go on that chatroom, faceparty, anymore because its bein investigated by the police because under-age girls r puttin photos on there. but ive been chattin to this lad for a couple of months and we've really got to no each other..hes like my best mate now! but i cant chat to him anymore and now i feel really....i dunno...just lost wivout him...he makes me feel good and he understands everything..ive even told him about my pa's and he says his mum has them too....but only wen driving. but now that i cant talk to him anymore i dont no who to chat to cause im not sure if im allowed to chat in this chatroom or not.
Ive had depression twice and it lasted quite along time and i HATED it, it made me feel useless and i was so quiet and angry. not with anythin in particular just angry with myself for not doin anythin to help myself recover from it. But i really dont want it again cos my mum and dad r havin such a rough time lately!! (that makes me angry tho....cos they cant seem to get on they r always fightin!!!!)
i had this thought the other day. it was about these girls that r bullyin me and my mate. And i just pictured shoutin at them and standin up to them and askin them to hit me if they were threatenin to.......the thought of this made me so angry i nearly hit the wall. Just writin this is makin me feel angry...and quite upset actually....im not sure if its all this stress thats goin on with my mum and dad or just me tryin to keep things inside!!! it makes me angry that i cant stress out too..i dunno why cos i dont want to stress out! ive always wanted people to b scared of me and i think all this stuff buildin up inside me is makin things worse. im nopt sure if i shud ask my mum for a punchin bag or summit just to let the steam out! its like i want to stand up to my mum shout at her and for her to kick me out the house! and i no that sounds strange cos why wud any1 want to b on the streets? but its just so hard to control my feelins for much longer. I just want them out!!!! i remember the first time i was depressed...me mum had sent me to my room because i didnt go to school (cos i find it hard) i was in about yr 4 and i was up in my room for days...and im so ashmed but i tried to suffercate my cat..but i stuck a pillow over him for like 5 seconds! i no i shudnt of but i found it so hard to control myself...thank god i still got my cat today...i love him soo much he makes me feel better!
i do feel like this is depression but im not sure and i dont want to go back to how i was....all quiet neva out my room. but i dont no wot to do to help me stop feelin like this cos i dont want to give this lad my number cos im not sure if hes really my age....better to b safe!
can i ask? does readin have an affect on bein angry?? cos im readin Martina Coles's 'two women' ive read it 2 times and its all about woman beatin and rape and everythin and that makes me angry and im not sure if that got somethin to do woth the way im feeling. im redain it now i started it again last night and im on about page 90 somethn already......its just all so confusin....every thought...anythin i watch...books i read....or mayb its me...keepin to many feelings inside....im not sure.
i just wanted to get it out.not that it helped that much cos now i feel quite angry....omg its like im gonna explode...anyway before i do ill finish this off. erm...any advice on how to control myself from hurtin me, my friends or my family???
hugs (i need 1 :( ) love Rachel xxxxxx
im not sure if this is depression or me just bein plain silly! but im not allowed to go on that chatroom, faceparty, anymore because its bein investigated by the police because under-age girls r puttin photos on there. but ive been chattin to this lad for a couple of months and we've really got to no each other..hes like my best mate now! but i cant chat to him anymore and now i feel really....i dunno...just lost wivout him...he makes me feel good and he understands everything..ive even told him about my pa's and he says his mum has them too....but only wen driving. but now that i cant talk to him anymore i dont no who to chat to cause im not sure if im allowed to chat in this chatroom or not.
Ive had depression twice and it lasted quite along time and i HATED it, it made me feel useless and i was so quiet and angry. not with anythin in particular just angry with myself for not doin anythin to help myself recover from it. But i really dont want it again cos my mum and dad r havin such a rough time lately!! (that makes me angry tho....cos they cant seem to get on they r always fightin!!!!)
i had this thought the other day. it was about these girls that r bullyin me and my mate. And i just pictured shoutin at them and standin up to them and askin them to hit me if they were threatenin to.......the thought of this made me so angry i nearly hit the wall. Just writin this is makin me feel angry...and quite upset actually....im not sure if its all this stress thats goin on with my mum and dad or just me tryin to keep things inside!!! it makes me angry that i cant stress out too..i dunno why cos i dont want to stress out! ive always wanted people to b scared of me and i think all this stuff buildin up inside me is makin things worse. im nopt sure if i shud ask my mum for a punchin bag or summit just to let the steam out! its like i want to stand up to my mum shout at her and for her to kick me out the house! and i no that sounds strange cos why wud any1 want to b on the streets? but its just so hard to control my feelins for much longer. I just want them out!!!! i remember the first time i was depressed...me mum had sent me to my room because i didnt go to school (cos i find it hard) i was in about yr 4 and i was up in my room for days...and im so ashmed but i tried to suffercate my cat..but i stuck a pillow over him for like 5 seconds! i no i shudnt of but i found it so hard to control myself...thank god i still got my cat today...i love him soo much he makes me feel better!
i do feel like this is depression but im not sure and i dont want to go back to how i was....all quiet neva out my room. but i dont no wot to do to help me stop feelin like this cos i dont want to give this lad my number cos im not sure if hes really my age....better to b safe!
can i ask? does readin have an affect on bein angry?? cos im readin Martina Coles's 'two women' ive read it 2 times and its all about woman beatin and rape and everythin and that makes me angry and im not sure if that got somethin to do woth the way im feeling. im redain it now i started it again last night and im on about page 90 somethn already......its just all so confusin....every thought...anythin i watch...books i read....or mayb its me...keepin to many feelings inside....im not sure.
i just wanted to get it out.not that it helped that much cos now i feel quite angry....omg its like im gonna explode...anyway before i do ill finish this off. erm...any advice on how to control myself from hurtin me, my friends or my family???
hugs (i need 1 :( ) love Rachel xxxxxx