I need to talk, please help

[blue_bird]

Sorry everyone but I just need to get some things out of my system. I suffer from anxiety and although I don't show any outward signs, inwards it eats away at me.

I have tried talking to people around me but no really understands. I feel like I have to keep it together all the time because thats what everyone expects of me. There is one person in my husbands family who manages to make me feel really bad about myself. She would have everyone believe we are the best of friends but deep down she never misses an opportunity to have a go at me. It's not obvious to other people, so maybe I am being paranoid.

If I dont feel well or I'm having a bad day, she will says things like 'pull yourself together and stop getting on like that'. When I try and explain she talks over the top of me and tells me to stop making a fuss. She undermines me and makes me feel as if she is always judging me.

I have hinted to my hubby but he doesn't really understand. He thinks I am confident and outgoing, and I can be. Put when someone puts me down it destroys my self confidence. I feel like this woman is bullying me and I let it happen. I have tried to stand up to her but it only made her worse and she tried to shout me down. I am not an agressive person and I remained polite will trying to stand my ground.

I don't want a confrontation because I know she wouldn't change but I would like to be able to ignore and deal with the situation better. I have talked to a friend about it and she thinks maybe she is jealous, and thats why she says things like 'you look terrible since you lost weight' or 'who did your hair, it's a mess'.

Any ideas please ?

[Chriswebster]

Hello
My wife suffered this kind of abuse for 10 yrs from a 'best friend'.
Carefully timed and phrased comments always said on a one-to-one basis without others around. Always about her looks, weight and parenting skills. Left her feeling empty of confidence and without friends- a horrible time in our lives.
It then transpired that this woman's life and marriage was a mess. Her husband was having affairs and even paying for prostitutes!!! Their marriage ended.
We lost contact with them 3 yrs ago and since then my wife has grown in confidence and character and is now seeing friends that are good for her. She is still very wary of people getting too 'close'.
Different for you in that your tormentor is a family member but I suspect the root cause will be on the same basis; something missing or wrong in her own life and jealousy.
So hard as it is, you just have to remain calm and dignified and each time she has a go, put it away in your mind that its her with the problem not you.
As far us your anxiety goes I really understand. I am MD of a successful business employing over 50 people and have to be reliable and professional at all times. So I save my meltdowns for night time! Very wise eh? Not really...!
I hope you can take some comfort from my ramblings. PM me to chat more if you think it will help.
Best
Chris x

[blue_bird]

Thank you Chris,

I have always suspected there is a problem with 'this person' and they feel the need to put over people down. She does it with other female members of the family, but they don't live nearby and just ignore her. Unfortunatley we live in a small town and it's hard to escape.

I have never been a rude person and anyone else would probably give as good as they get but thats just not how I work. Saying all that, she isn't a bad person, like you suggested she has 'issues' and seems to take her anger out on everyone else. Her husband is a saint because he takes a lot of abuse and never turns. She has very few friends and maybe is jealous because I am a friendly out going person who makes friends easily and I am mostly content with my life.

It's just stupid little things get to me and I worry and stress and drive myself into a state. I haven't been too well suffering from a virus and I had to stop running for a while. Running is the only thing that clears my head and helps get rid of the anxiety.

I was able to go for a short run today and it helped. The thing is when the 'major problem' that makes me anxious goes away or is resolved I wonder what all the fuss what about.

thanks again for taking the time to read and reply :)