has anyone been bullied/effected their confidence

[nok_tok]

when i was 13 i started a new school, i didnt know anyone, i found myself a victim of bullying by various people, i even had someone hold a knife at me on the school field.

outside of school i had alot of really good friends and was happy so i was 50/50 happy/sad if that makes sense

at the time i just dealt with it as one of my best friend commited suicide when i was 15 and i didnt tell any of my school 'friends' i just dealt with it in my own way.

basically im 30 now and kept everything bottled up, i was ashamed of being bullied, i never told any of my 'outside school' friends what was going on as i was too embarrased.

well after being bullied i lost soooo much confidence, i havent been able to use a phone to call up people (aside from mum, partner) as im scared of my conversations and how im judged if i cant flow in conversation , i get worried people think im an idiot or something.

Now, im 30 im a mum of 3, i take my kids to school, they have their own friends, and i have totally kept myself to myself when it comes to socializing with other parents, i dont dare approch people, i get lost in conversation and jumbled up with words, i get nerveous and my children ask if they can play at friends houses, i find it really difficult to approch parents, i feel like im going to be judged...

has anyone else had these problems?, it has taken me a long time to kind of admit alot of this, i just tend to avoid situations.

[Butterfly22]

Hello kittypink,

Ive just read your post and can relate to it in a big way, I was bullied in school too, I had a lighter put in my face, blamed for things that other kids had done because they had problems at home and the staff wrapped them up in cotton wool, so they were allowed to slap you across the face so long as you didnt complain, if you dare to complain then the staff were on the phone to your mother. I'm 28 now and do struggle with lack of confidence, worry about what people think of me, I do get my words jumbled up in the same way, I worry about the way I look, unable to find a job has been the final nail basically, so Ive ended up at the doctors and hes treating me for anxiety and depression, hes talking about counselling too which should help me learn some techniques to handle situations etc.

[bazbaz71]

Hi Kittypink,

Yep, I can completely relate. I spent a few years being picked on by the other boys in school. I was fairly small and young looking compared to some so I even got picked on by a particularly nasty group of boys who were two years younger than me. All this ranged from minor physical aggression to verbal name calling (generally 'you gay boy' etc - which I'm not and therefore was not nice for a young straight lad during his formative years.) My Mum would overreact if she found out which was embarassing so I started to cover it up much like you. At the same time I didn't want to get into trouble for fighting back even if I'd felt able.

(Unfortunately, a few years after starting work I also experienced some verbal workplace bullying from some rather immature colleagues. This really did leave me with the feeling that I must be a very weak person who was 'asking for it'.)

I really don't know if this has caused me to be like I am now but I think it definitely took a toll. I lack confidence in social situations, I shake at times and I haven't found it at all easy at all to find girlfriends. I also shy away from any kind of conflict or argument and tend to try too hard to please people which I think must all be remnants of wanting not to be bullied....

You really have my sympathy. I know how hard it is to forget things like that. All I can suggest is to try to stop thinking you were to blame (no one who is bullied is). I'm not sure how easy it is but I'm starting CBT soon. I think that will deal with my current problems without re-visiting my memories too much. To be honest I'm really not sure how much dwelling on what happened helps me.

Take care,
B

[debs71]

Hi Kittypink81,

I can sympathise with you hun. I too was bullied in Middle School when I was around 11 years old - basically ostracised by my friends for noreal reason - and then I was bullied at High School at around 14 years old for 2 years solidly. Again my friends grouped together, cast me out and called me cruel names relating to my looks on a daily basis. I hated having to go into school and at one point I remember holding the contents of an entire bottle of paracetamol in my hands at home and contemplating taking them as the torment was so much. It was only for my family's sake that I didn't take them. I had zero confidence even before I was bullied, and it plummeted further when this happened. I hated my looks, was paranoid that I was ugly, with a big nose (the things they picked on) my inherited pale, freckled skin (from my Irish Dad) and basically I cursed everything they made fun off.

It really scarred me for life. I still have no confidence in myself.

Anyone who believes that bullying is left behind and forgotten about when you leave school and that environment is so wrong. I am40 now and still, 25 years later I remember how I felt.I bet that the people who bullied me don't even remember it, but I do, as does anyone else who has been bullied in their lifetime.

As I have got older, I have grown in confidence in a social sense, having nursed for over 10 years, so I can talk to all types of folk without a problem, which I never did before I started nursing, but in terms of my looks...well, that will always be a problem for me as I always think that I am being judged, or laughed at, and that is the bullying that did that, no doubt.

What I will say is that I wish I had the chance to go back to school the person that I am now, as inside I am stronger, and I would not tolerate it now, and would give as good as I got. Back then I never did. I just shrunk back and cried in private.

It does not hold me back now, and please do not let it hold you back. Even if internally you don't feel confident, you CAN hide it, and just get on with things, I assure you hun.

Just want you to know you are not alone. Don't allow those scumbags to win. And that is what they were/are...scumbags.

Lots of love.xxxx

[nok_tok]

thanks so much for your lovely replies, i cant believe how similar some of your experiences have been, it has effected me in all ways, and funnily enough i wanted to train to be a nurse but im just not confident enough to approach people...

i tried to figure why i feel this way about things and looking back this was a 'big' thing that effected me back then, i have decided to write a diary about my experiences, i have so far covered about 10 A4 sides, although im not sure what to do with it when i have finished, i would like others to read it...but im still somewhat ashamed?

you know, there was a young 16 year old girl that lived just a few streets away from me, a talented musician, i didnt know her but had saw her around, and a few weeks ago she commited suicide because she was being bullied, i found it soooo sad, i couldnt belive it, she used to busk in my town centre and was a fantastic violnist

her friend made this tribute video for her-it just made me cry...i would love to help others, it is so sad

here is the link
http://youtu.be/meCtZMcoXig

[brambles]

I can sympthise with you all because I was also bullied and ostracised in school, by both the kids and the teachers. It was probably one of the main causes of my current anxiety, along with some family issues.

[Lion King]

Hi there,

I know how you feel, bullying is terrible, you cope at the time but it effects your long term confidence and self esteem. I struggle with conversation and get anxiouse still even after CBT and medication, I am normally ok but from time to time I get started with tension and nervousness. and I hope nobody notices which only feeds it!

Hope you well! x

[debs71]

I wonder how many of us suffering with anxiety/panic,etc. have a history of being bullied?

It would be very interesting to know.:unsure:

[mrk74]

Hi Kittypink :)

I was bullied from junior school till about half way through my secondary school. I was very shy at school and that just made me a magnet for the bullies. It was more emotional than physical bullying like being threatend with violence and being taxed for money. I was thrown into the swimming pool by one particular bully and i nearly drowned because of it! But yes my confidence has been dented because of this and I find it hard to trust people that I meet. I tend to shy away from going anywhere new on my own and it really upsets me because I truly believe that my life would have been better if I wasnt buillied. I guess weve just got to take back the power.

:hugs::hugs:

[london]

that was then this is now, forget bullys thay are only coward mugs any way,remember thay bully till you hit back then thay go
mix with people your as good as any one
god bless

[Col]

Hi kitty pink

I'm a mum of two and I'm 30. I had my daughter at 20-21 and always felt like I was looked down upon for being a young mother especially because I'm naturally young looking, which made me look at 20 like I was probably 15 or something.

Anyway can completely relate I'm very ambitious and I have 2 uni degrees and own my own home in the better end of town BUT, when my now 9 year old daughter started possibly what is the best non private school in Sheffield I too felt what you described.
Anxiety to one side, I'm naturally very confident and have never been bullied but despite this I felt inferior and out of place when all the mums at my daughters school were on the majority 15 years on average older than me late late 30's early to mid 40's, they all had cars and all had huge posh houses. Soo even for someone who doesn't have low confidence the school parent thing is a tough one for many of us and
for many different reasons. Plus to make it worse I was living with my in laws when my daughter started at her current school SO the " can so and so come for tea" thing was very awkward.

Stop worrying about being judge it can be hard but you have the same right to judge others as they have to judge you. Ok people shouldn't judge and be critical but sometimes we can all do this. But keep it in
mind you think people may be judging you but, they're probably not, it's more possible that you think they're judging u and therefore that's your insecurity ( absolutely can understand this may come from being bullied. My cousin took and OD over bullying so can defo see where this feeling may come from)!

And nothing and no one is ever to good for you.

Seriously in the future you probably won't even see these people again, so enjoy the experience while you can, because it's a special time your kids being small and at school.
:winks: