Had An Awful Day - Massive Panic in City

[Coyote]

Lately I've been feeling fantastic and enthusiastic, for the first time in a long time I've felt closer to normal than ever before. It was more the depression that has been my biggest problem for the last chunk of my life. But today...

I had to get up early to travel with someone to a nearby town (40 miles away), I said I would and didn't want to change my mind, even though I really didn't want to face it. I had been doing so well lately that I figured it was more of an inconvienience than a real problem. I pretty much defeated my agoraphobia (caused by panic problems in past) but 40 miles is way out beyond my 'safe zone'. It was to a town I also hadn't been to in years, nor am I fond of.

Anyway, I was passing through Aberdeen (about 30 miles away) when my IBS acted up. Normally, I've learned to control that pretty well, but today, for some reason, the symptoms triggered (FAST) the biggest, scariest panic attack I've had in a very long time. I've had a few panic attacks in recent times, but they were more like tremors, that I've managed to contain effectively.

I was the passenger in the car, and I simply said, "I'm freaking out" and the driver (knowing my issues), eventually had to find a petrol station to stop at so I could head for the bog. Often when the IBS gets bad, I'm stuck in there for ages, drifting in and out of states of panic, this is especially true when in a strange place, miles from home and my 'safe zone'.

Anyway, the panic continued, but I struggled at the reigns to control it and we continued on our journey. It eased off as we got out of the city into more rural areas and I had to fight with my thoughts between reason, irrationality and practicality.

A while later, I was sitting in the car, way outside my zone and some folk were trying to make small talk with me and thats hard when you're in the middle of fighting with yourself, but before long we were on our way back, each mile closer to home, easing the anxiety and panic a little more.

Then came the familiar roads, so I knew where I was and I tell you, I often talk down about where I live, but today, it was glorious to see and I've never been this glad to see 'home' in quite some time.

I'm not going to let this set me back though, its just natures way of telling me I'm not out of the woods yet, and that I still have a problem to take care of. I'm mentally and physically drained, but in a strange way, feel good for still going through with it. I feel like despite the awful, sick, crampy feeling, where reality turns to nightmare-state, I still continued ... me being optimistic, I like to think that despite that horror ... I won.

Good days, bad days, gain in confidence, but don't let it get shattered when reality hits you in the face when you least expect it.

Just wanted to vent this with you guys, thanks for listening!

[joolsukuk]

hi and wow,
well done you! you did fantastic i feel really proud of you, i too suffer the same as you and could so relate to the battle in your head i do that every day you given me hope you really have! you get that same feelings as me and you fought it and did it well done again..you shopuld plan another trip out i bet it will be better cos you did it once good luck dont let it beat you xxxx

jools xx

[Coyote]

Thanks Jools,

Your supportive words really do make a difference. I often think fighting it is futile (depression-thoughts), but because of the way I think in life, fighting is the only honourable way to face these things, even though I just want to turn and run home at 100mph! But by God, its so very very hard, so I truly feel for your own struggles.

I think one of the contributing factors is I wasn't driving ... so I felt 'out of control'. I can often reach Aberdeen (30 miles) on a good day, when I'm in the right mood/frame of mind, without incident. When I'm driving, I know I can 'turn around' anytime I want, plus driving is a good distraction, as it takes up a lot of the 'spare' room in your head for scary/irrational to breed in.

Do you notice its often difficult to say to someone you are having a panic attack, when you're in the middle of one? Its as if, by saying it, you're validating it, when inside you want to deny its existance?

Thanks again and good luck,

~ Ricardus


"Where is the honour, the courage and will? The ability to smile - confined to a pill"

[JayK]

Question:

Before the journey, did you have 'anticipatory' thoughts about how far you were going out of a 'safe zone'.
What would happen if you got into a setback?
What if you were to get an attack and needed a WC?

If so, then that might answer the question of where and how this came about.

I think you are absolutely right on the money when you acknowledge this as a 'flashback' and nothing more.

Its kinda a neat reminder to keep up on what you are doing now (and not doing anymore).

[joolsukuk]

hi and yes to every thing you said!!! im the same when driving if there is alot of traffic i can u turn and go but when someone else you dont have that control..i have had pa for years but the agrophobia is quite new about two years getting worse but trying to fight it...to be honest dont even know what im worried will happen! dont care what other people think ..dont faint..feel sick but never have been! i think the ibs worries me a bit i too need the loo when panic hits ..but never had an accident..but that feeling of releif when you get home isnt it wonderful lol...but truely youve given me the courage to go out hey if you can do it when you feel that rough then so will i..maybe we should make a competition out of it who can go further and out for longest!! lol keep fighting xxxxx

jools xx

[Coyote]

Before the journey, did you have 'anticipatory' thoughts about how far you were going out of a 'safe zone'.

Yes and no, the big issue I had since I was doing so well and had become really confident that things were getting much better, it was more of a passing thought, as opposed to outright dredd. I haven't had such an explosive panic attack in quite some time, nor did I work myself up before hand. It was triggered by the IBS cramps etc, normally I 'deal with it', but today, I think the knowledge that I was yet to travel much further AWAY from my safe zone, as opposed to getting CLOSER, did trigger the apprehensions.

What would happen if you got into a setback?

I've had a number of issues arising from IBS, even the occasional 'hint' of panic, but have done so very well controlling them and even erradicating them within minutes, that I got a false sense of security. I genuinely did believe this morning that if something arose, I'd be able to cope and feel alright - only today it wasn't a tremor, it was an earthquake, that took me by surprise.

What if you were to get an attack and needed a WC?

I think like a lot of people with similar problems here, I am always aware of the nearest toilets, or am constantly considering where there will be. When I was at my worst years ago, the IBS and panic were 'one' and both parts of the main vicious cycle of my problem.

But since, my IBS hasn't been so bad, so I was able to break that loop.

Its kinda a neat reminder to keep up on what you are doing now (and not doing anymore)

I totally agree, I hold onto that statement in my head. Today accumulated a lot of issues, from being in the wrong mood for such a venture, to being out of control as a passenger as well as coinciding with a day when my IBS 'did' act up.

I'm an optimistic person, despite suffering from lingering depression, so instead of seeing this as the first step to doom again, I feel good about it reminding me of what it was like - and that only reinforces my desire not to fall back to how I used to be.

May we all, keep our swords into the wind.

~ Ricardus


"Where is the honour, the courage and will? The ability to smile - confined to a pill"

[JayK]

I know what you mean about being in the wrong mood (in the wrong time).
I had a very similar day yesterday when i just 'woke up' moody and tense after a bad sleep.
I went out to challenge the day and I know what you mean about getting a sort of 'surprise' panic attack trying to blindside you out of seemingly nowhere.

I have actually wondered about something on this.... I wondered if it realy was a very fast and powerful sudden panic attack
OR
If it is because its been so long since I had one that it 'feels' much more dramatic and alarming than it is.

In other words, would that have just been a very 'mild-average' attack two years ago when I was having 5-6 a day?

Thanks for posting on this.
Up till now I have not known much about IBS so thats informative.

[mirry]

Spirit Knight , i have learnt the way you think causes all the horrible symptoms you experianced.

THOUGHT = i dont know if i can face this.
MOOD= anxiety
PHYSICAL REACTION = increased heart rate,shaking,stomach pain ect.
BEHAVIOUR = avoidance.

I also get the IBS along with the panic attacks.
Do any of you get a really sudden sharp pain that makes you feel like hunching over ?
Today my CBT is taking me into town and I am dreading it already so i am trying to control my thinking to avoid a panic.


mirryx

[Coyote]

When I was first diagnosed with IBS, I was literally laying on the floor. It would have hurt less if I had been stabbed in the stomach, I truly believe that statement. Since then it varies, I can normally control it, but some days are terrible. Its days like that you start to think there must be something more serious going on, but it usually is just the cramps and the spasms in the bowel etc.

When I had food poisoning, the pain I felt then, was like IBS on the worst days. So if you don't have IBS, but have had food poisoning (cramps, severe pain, nausea), thats what its like when it all hits the fan. I remind myself that IBS itself is pretty harmless, and usually eases off after going to the toilet, but a good diet definately helps, because during my depression my diet went all to hell, and so flared up the IBS.

Good luck with the trip Mirry! I think you're spot on with your analysis, so go out there and give your fears a good kicking!

~ Ricardus


"Where is the honour, the courage and will? The ability to smile - confined to a pill"

[Keitharcher]

Hi

It seems to me that you conquered a great fear and did the journey, well done keep it up. As for IBS it strikes in the oddest places usually when there is no toilets anywhere for miles, the symptona of crossed eyes and legs could well be mistaken for panic

Keith