Coyote
14-05-06, 14:26
Lately I've been feeling fantastic and enthusiastic, for the first time in a long time I've felt closer to normal than ever before. It was more the depression that has been my biggest problem for the last chunk of my life. But today...
I had to get up early to travel with someone to a nearby town (40 miles away), I said I would and didn't want to change my mind, even though I really didn't want to face it. I had been doing so well lately that I figured it was more of an inconvienience than a real problem. I pretty much defeated my agoraphobia (caused by panic problems in past) but 40 miles is way out beyond my 'safe zone'. It was to a town I also hadn't been to in years, nor am I fond of.
Anyway, I was passing through Aberdeen (about 30 miles away) when my IBS acted up. Normally, I've learned to control that pretty well, but today, for some reason, the symptoms triggered (FAST) the biggest, scariest panic attack I've had in a very long time. I've had a few panic attacks in recent times, but they were more like tremors, that I've managed to contain effectively.
I was the passenger in the car, and I simply said, "I'm freaking out" and the driver (knowing my issues), eventually had to find a petrol station to stop at so I could head for the bog. Often when the IBS gets bad, I'm stuck in there for ages, drifting in and out of states of panic, this is especially true when in a strange place, miles from home and my 'safe zone'.
Anyway, the panic continued, but I struggled at the reigns to control it and we continued on our journey. It eased off as we got out of the city into more rural areas and I had to fight with my thoughts between reason, irrationality and practicality.
A while later, I was sitting in the car, way outside my zone and some folk were trying to make small talk with me and thats hard when you're in the middle of fighting with yourself, but before long we were on our way back, each mile closer to home, easing the anxiety and panic a little more.
Then came the familiar roads, so I knew where I was and I tell you, I often talk down about where I live, but today, it was glorious to see and I've never been this glad to see 'home' in quite some time.
I'm not going to let this set me back though, its just natures way of telling me I'm not out of the woods yet, and that I still have a problem to take care of. I'm mentally and physically drained, but in a strange way, feel good for still going through with it. I feel like despite the awful, sick, crampy feeling, where reality turns to nightmare-state, I still continued ... me being optimistic, I like to think that despite that horror ... I won.
Good days, bad days, gain in confidence, but don't let it get shattered when reality hits you in the face when you least expect it.
Just wanted to vent this with you guys, thanks for listening!
I had to get up early to travel with someone to a nearby town (40 miles away), I said I would and didn't want to change my mind, even though I really didn't want to face it. I had been doing so well lately that I figured it was more of an inconvienience than a real problem. I pretty much defeated my agoraphobia (caused by panic problems in past) but 40 miles is way out beyond my 'safe zone'. It was to a town I also hadn't been to in years, nor am I fond of.
Anyway, I was passing through Aberdeen (about 30 miles away) when my IBS acted up. Normally, I've learned to control that pretty well, but today, for some reason, the symptoms triggered (FAST) the biggest, scariest panic attack I've had in a very long time. I've had a few panic attacks in recent times, but they were more like tremors, that I've managed to contain effectively.
I was the passenger in the car, and I simply said, "I'm freaking out" and the driver (knowing my issues), eventually had to find a petrol station to stop at so I could head for the bog. Often when the IBS gets bad, I'm stuck in there for ages, drifting in and out of states of panic, this is especially true when in a strange place, miles from home and my 'safe zone'.
Anyway, the panic continued, but I struggled at the reigns to control it and we continued on our journey. It eased off as we got out of the city into more rural areas and I had to fight with my thoughts between reason, irrationality and practicality.
A while later, I was sitting in the car, way outside my zone and some folk were trying to make small talk with me and thats hard when you're in the middle of fighting with yourself, but before long we were on our way back, each mile closer to home, easing the anxiety and panic a little more.
Then came the familiar roads, so I knew where I was and I tell you, I often talk down about where I live, but today, it was glorious to see and I've never been this glad to see 'home' in quite some time.
I'm not going to let this set me back though, its just natures way of telling me I'm not out of the woods yet, and that I still have a problem to take care of. I'm mentally and physically drained, but in a strange way, feel good for still going through with it. I feel like despite the awful, sick, crampy feeling, where reality turns to nightmare-state, I still continued ... me being optimistic, I like to think that despite that horror ... I won.
Good days, bad days, gain in confidence, but don't let it get shattered when reality hits you in the face when you least expect it.
Just wanted to vent this with you guys, thanks for listening!