Unwell again - Catch 22

[CE3K]

I've only been back in work for about 4 weeks and have done ok, managing the symptoms etc. Still some anticipatory anxiety with respect to meetings but it hasn't been too bad . . . . up until now that is!
Woke up yesterday morning feeling a bit spaced out, tired and aching, with the background nausea coming to the for. I went to work and got a lot done, but wasn't 'feeling right' throughout the day. Did 20 minutes relaxation in the car (parked!) at lunchtime. By the time I got home at 5.30 I felt exhausted and had a few shooting pains in my head, muscles were extremely tight/tense, nauseous, shaky etc and felt quite 'down'. Went to bed at 11pm, woke up at 6am feeling the same, but with the additional racing thoughts . . . mainly about the fact that I was feeling ill again and I had to get to work.
The catch 22 for me is that because I've already had a total of about 14 weeks off in the last 12 months, I was told when I last returned to work that senior management and the Board are 'concerned' as to how much time I'd had off. The 'capability assessment' was discussed as a potential route to follow should I have any more time off.
So now I'm unwell again and the 'threat' of a capability assessment is only adding fuel to the 'anxiety fire'. Even my GP, who I saw this morning, said "better to try to go to work than face the possibility of losing your job" and so she said I should try to go in.
I feel wretched at the moment and feel I can't face being in work (especially at meetings) when I'm feeling both physically ill and mentally 'agitated'.
Just spoke to HR who said "well, you have to put your health first", yet I know that if I have any more time off, they'll take me down the formal route.
I can't afford to lose my job, having heavy mortgage commitments, and yet I feel stuck in this catch 22 . . . "put your health first", "better to try to go to work" etc . . . . when someone has acute stress/anxiety it's bl**dy hard to figure out what to do for the best, let alone try to rationalise anything.
Any advice please from anyone who's been through this situation.
(PS . . . trying to get another job at my age, in my vocation will be well nigh impossible).

[wiskersonkittens]

rmh -- forgive me, but I am not currently in your exact situation, but I am an agoraphobic and felt the need to write. First of all, I want you to know that even though things haven't been easy, I admire you for getting out there and trying. You are stronger than you think, and that strength will help get you through this. I understand you are in the position of "damned if you do, damned if yout don't," and that's a tough place to be, but whether you realize it or not, you still push through it -- even inspite of times it seemed as if you were going two steps back -- and that's the right thing to do. The more people like us avoid the situation that frightens us, the worse we become. Little by little you are facing it and that will eventually help you prevail.
I think, like with people like us, this all started by something emotional that triggered it. Mine was the loss of my grandmother, who raised me, 3 years ago. It was like the ball started rolling from there -- or was that just part of a ball that had been rolling for a long time? Anyway, what happened to you? What do you think triggered this for you? Just something to think about.
Also, does your work know exactly what you are going through, or do they just think you are ill? I wonder if being more specific with your situation would help them understand and work with you better? I know sometimes anxiety issues isn't the easiest thing to admit to others, but it is something that can be overcome with support, strength, and even confidence -- yet, finding all that is hard not only within ourselves, but from others.
I really think you will be ok. Again, this all comes from something emotional and perhaps chemical (depending on your history), and the only physical part is the sensations this horrid thing presents. When I start having a panic attack, I now try and not give it attention and tell myself, "This is from something emotional, it isn't physical," and it seems to pass quicker.
Anyway, please let us know how things go. Just know I am proud of you for what you have been able to do so far -- I want to get out into the work force, but that anticipatory anxiety thing keeps me at bay. FOR NOW. :winks: Hugs to you! Wiskers ~

[M155anthr0p3]

RMH

I battle with this every day & have never taken time off work (well..the odd day here & there for unrelated things). I actually throw up sometimes. But in my opinion it is better to force yourself to do the things you are scared of, only then can you learn to deal with them. I am so glad I forced myself & still force myself to go to work every day...no matter how sick & ill I feel, because without it I would have fallen apart.

[CE3K]

Thanks for your replies . . . . . I did actually make the decision to come into work at around noon. (I'm still here now!). Fortunately, I've been able to stay pretty much at my desk and deal with telephone calls and do various other jobs, including supporting the small team I have . . . . tomorrow however, is another matter . . . . it's a five hour meeting with the senior management group and my peers. It's been at this type of meeting before where I've been taken ill and had to leave. I know I need to think positive and think in the present, but it's hard when you feel so wretched and lacking in confidence.
Yes, my manager and HR know all the details of my situation, but I get the feeling that they'll 'follow procedure' if they have to. One of them I've known 11 years!
I feel I need to make a decision soon . . . . after all, it's the work-related stress that started all this off last year, and total frustration relating to the way the company is being managed and led (see my previous posts).
I will try tomorrow, but I've decided that if I'm too unwell, then I'm too unwell . . . . may have to resort to a Valium to get me there.

[M155anthr0p3]

I'm glad that you went in, that's a good thing.
I think you are working yourself up about tomorrow before it's even happened. Fear breeds fear remember....if you think it's going to be stressful then it will be. I know it's hard to think positively when you're like this but panic & anxiety won't hurt you. It's just very uncomfortable.

Will be thinking of you, be brave xxx

[Planet Caravan]

Hi,
Is it possible to get a different position within the same company, a position you are better able to handle.
I get get spltting headaches when I attend meetings, I sit there thinking I won't say anything then I can't help myself, pass comment on something, that inturn brings on my anxiety headaches.

[CE3K]

When I'm well, I'm more than capable of handling my job. In fact, I've been solely responsible for developing and building the team and services we provide over the last ten years. I have many skills from previous career which my senior management team lack, but they ignore my input . . . hence the frustration and internalised anger that has built up.
OK, I'm unwell yet again . . . . pointless looking for a role elsewhere in the organisation because there aren't any that would give me anything like the salary I'm on (not that it's much relatively speaking).
I'm ususally the one who comes up with ideas . . . but when unwell, I don't.
That's the problem . . . I'm more than capable (when well), but the possibility of them taking me down the 'incapability route' (due to sickness absence) really makes me angry.
I've decided I'm definitely making an attempt to get to the managers meeting tomorrow . . . but I've also decided to try to takle a step back and see whether there are any other options open to me longer term.
Anxiety sucks, together with all the physical repercussions that have arisen as a result!!
Thaks for your comments and advice . . . I have really taken them on board.

[CE3K]

Well, I made it to work and attended the Manager's meeting and contributed positively, so all went ok . . . . the only issue for me is that it took 2mg Valium before I left for work and a 'top up' 0.5 mg at lunchtime to achieve the required outcome :huh:. I'll try not to beat myself up about this 'failure' on my part, and I do realise I need to get back on track without having to resort to the occassional cheat.
Main thing for me was that it was important I was at the meeting and contributed positively.

[expecto patronum]

Hi, rmh hope things are going ok for you. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to an organisation like ACAS as they will be able to tell you what your rights are re the Disability Discrimination Act. If you have had anxiety problems and been treated for this for a year or more, you're covered and your employers have to abide by certain rules, and be prepared to make 'reasonable adjustments' to help you continue in your job. In one of my previous jobs when I was probably at my most ill I was going to be made to have a capability assesment, but I found out what my rights were, and they weren't able to proceed with it, but instead moved me to a different role with a more patient and reasonable line manager. Hope this helps, you must feel under a lot of pressure at the moment :bighug1: