my story

[bigG]

Hey,

today i wish to share my story with you guys the main reason is i want to know if my story is similar to any others out there. ok my problems all began on friday 13th of june 2008 this without doubt turned out to be the worst day of my life it all started with a phone call at around 3am i picked up the phone and it was the hospital to say that my mam had a heart attack and had been rushed to hospital i didnt have time to think i just jamp in my car and made way to the hospital which was 4 hours away still not thinking to much about it i honestly thought that this wasnt that big a problem because i knew of several people who had heart attacks but the doctors saved them so we arrived at the hospital to be taken in to a small room to be told that my mum had cancer from head to toe and that she wasnt going to make it at this moment i ran out of the hospital i couldnt face what was happing to be honest you always hear of people saying that it was like being in a movie and that is exactly how it felt anyway i managed to compose myself and was taken to the room where my mother was lying in bed strapped to a machine i can rember looking at the heart monitor it was jumping from 18bpm to 95bpm i knew someting was wrong and its crazy because she was still laughing and joking like there was nothing wrong i guess that may have someting to do with the drugs she was given any way the doctors after a hour or so called us out the room to say that her heart was going to give in and that they were not going to save her at this moment i collapsed to the floor fainted my brain just turned it self off eventually i came round and managed to spend the last few moments of my mother life with her i still hate myself to this day because i can remember thinking i wish this would hurry up (yeah how selfish am i wanting my mother to die to save me from my own pain) another movie moment then came as i stood there in tears and my mother struggled for her last breath she turned and looked at me and said please dont cry im just trying to breath words which haunt me everyday since stuck in my head like a sword in stone like a record stuck in the groove. ever since that day i have sufferd from what iam told is health anxiety and depression i struggle every day i have a tightness in my chest that has never goes away i get chest pains dizzyspells and all the rest of it my phycologist say its one of the worst cases she has ever dealt with but that she will fix me but i dont beleive them how can they all they do is talk talk talk i tell them the same old story every week and still walk out feeing like hell. i feel that i have a major problem with my heart but they all tell me its in my head makes me feel like iam going crazy. i think iam. im so sick of hearing anxiety this and anxiety that depression this and that always asking me if iam going to kill myself i say no i wouldnt have asked for your help if i was going to but i wont lie to you guys this has crossed my mind .anyway it wasnt till the other night when something that homer simpson said yeah homer bloody simpson after all these years of thinking iam dying i was watching the episode and he said something like we are all dying slowley everyday now that thought strangley gave me comfort and for the first time iam now feeling like maybe i can get thru this but hell i need help and rather than fight with all my doctors like i have been doing iam going to follow there path and see where it gets me. I wrote this today because my phsychiatrist asked me to i told her i found this site and she said tell them all your story because you will be suprised how many people have shared a similar journey. so i hope that someone out there has experienced things like me and maybe we can help each other.

love big-g

[Worried_Male]

I'm not trying to be a grammar nazi or anything but long stories like this are so much easier to read when you put them in paragraphs, thus meaning more chance of getting a response.

[M155anthr0p3]

Hey big-g,

Sorry to hear about your Mom, that must have been really hard for you.
You're not selfish, no one wants to see someone they love in pain.

I hope you can come to terms with the health anxiety (I suffer from it myself). It does get easier once you learn how to manage it.

Emily

[M155anthr0p3]

I'm not trying to be a grammar nazi or anything but long stories like this are so much easier to read when you put them in paragraphs, thus meaning more chance of getting a response.

Why even comment if you haven't got anything constructive to say?!!!!

[Worried_Male]

Why even comment if you haven't got anything constructive to say?!!!!

I wasn't being rude i was just telling him/her how difficult his/her story was to read.

[M155anthr0p3]

I wasn't being rude i was just telling him/her how difficult his/her story was to read.

I shall smack your bottom!!!!!!!!

[Gemma T]

Really sorry to hear about your mum and your difficulties.

Homer is right though. We are all dieing everyday. In fact death is the only certainty we have.

I like this saying 'no point in worrying, its not like we will get out live'. I too have health anx and know how hard it can be. I know to well but if there is something Ive learnt its that what matters is what we do with our lives.

Life is for living and not dwelling on death x x x

[daisydoo]

Hi. Im so sorry for the terrible time you have had. Its great you managed to write it all down. I really must try it myself. My health anxiety started after actual health problems in pregnancy and a very frightening birth where my life was at risk. I have not been able to get,over this and have numerous symptoms and having many tests. Recently i have lost a family member to cancer and this has made my anxiety hundred times worse. It happened very fast but not as fast as in your case. I also wanted it to be over with. I did feel guilty as if im always thinking about myself but really on reflection it was enevitable and no one should suffer like that. So please please dont be so hard on yourself you obviously felt very deeply. The anxiety symptoms you feel are normal and feel very much like physical symptoms. You are greaving and getting over the most awful shock so be kind to yourself and dont feel guilty in anyway xx

[bigG]

very sorry about my spelling and puncuation. Thanks for your responses its a wonderfull thing that we can help and support eachother within this web page. i guess we are all struggling with our lives in some way or other. The pressure of life is sometimes hard but i guess we have to somehow embrace it. I think i find this health anxiety so hard to deal with because iam 25 year old man iam strong but when iam bad with it i feel like a child if that makes any sense plus i feel everyone that you get refered to speaks to you like your a child. Oh i dont know maybe i will work this all out one day and be on top of the world again

big-g

[Worried_Male]

very sorry about my spelling and puncuation.

big-g

I really hope i didn't come across as snobby or rude when i said that, it's just that when long stories are in one paragraph and not split up than reading it looks like a very daunting task lol.

Anyway sorry to hear about your loss bro.

[Gemma T]

Dont apologise. I have a degree in law and been to law school to study to be a solicitor and my spelling and grammar aint great at all lol

Im 26 and been suffering on and off for 3 years. Its horrible to think people our age have these worries. Im sure if you peel below the surface of most people you will see they have problems they dont address. Health anx is one of those things where most dont even know they have it and sit in silence for years.

Im sure you will find all the help and support you need.

Feel free to pm if you want to talk x x x

[bronte]

dont apologise for your spellings and things i was so enthrolled in your story i didnt even notice and wouldnt have noticed anyway and i defo wouldnt have commented my health anxiety started with the death of my dad then got worse with the death of my mum 3 years ago both with cancer and i wished my mum to slip away when i knew she wasnt going to live because no one wants to see someone they love linger on and suffer so your defo not selfish i think most people would agree with you if they were in the same position x

[countrygirl]

Your health anxiety is a normal reaction to what has happened to you and it may pass with time if you are lucky.

You mentioned feeling like a child, this is understandable as when you were with your mum in the hospital you were a child in the sense she was your mum so you were her child and your feelings now are like a frightened child. Does this make sense??

My health anxiety started as a 5 yr old child due to finding my grandmother ( who was acting as my mother at the time) after she had had a major stroke, she never recovered and died without speaking 6 months later.
Whenever I get into a panic with health I feel exactly as I did all those years ago as a child, I want someone to make it better and take control like a parent would do for me.

I have no magic remedy as with me the h a has been lifelong although as I get older (50) I realise how all my life has been overshadowed by worrying about my health and it is just not worth it.

I have said on here numerous times that we could get run over by a bus next week so why waste this week worrying about something we might not have!

[daisydoo]

No defo dont worry grammer etc. I was reading your story and never noticed anything. Mine is not the best and as i am trying to get the hang of my i phone thingy it will much worse thanormal. It was a very genuine and heartfelt story. On another note i can relste to feel like a child again. I think i vome across as a strong person in my personal and proffesional life when i have to speak to anyone about my symptoms and worries i feel like a little girl again. You have been through so much and at a young age to loose your mom it would be amazing if you didnt react in some way. You will get stronger you obviously really want. Keep talking x

[pablo22]

my heart goes out to you big-g, im very close to my mum so couldnt even imagine :(, homer is ryt! the only certainity in life is death - but the psychiatrist was definately the way to go, as about cbt! :hugs:

[Worried_Male]

This is a scene from my favourite show 'Breaking Bad'. What he says is so true and everyone with HA should watch this video and use it as inspiration.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAZZF8pIg24

[bigG]

thank you all very much for your concern and your kind words. my phyciatrist beleives that my anxiety and depression are a barrier to bloke out my greiving which i guess makes sense. The bit i dont get is that they have done all the tests and things on me and they say iam in excellent condition but to me because i feel like crap all the time i think how can this be true. Also i have been so fixated on my own health for so long it has not given me time to think of anything else i think this is why my girlfreind left but i dont blame her.I just get really frustrated because i have had this all for over 3 years and i dont really see any progress apart from maybe understanding the condition a bit better

stay safe

big-g

[swgrl09]

Hi, I wanted to reply because I am in a similar, albeit different situation.

I am 23 years old and lost my mom this past January to cancer. Although it was cancer, it was very fast and shocking. She was diagnosed after having no symptoms except some stomach pain and diarrhea that did not go away. It was a VERY rare, neuroendocrine cancer that she had for years without detection. After her diagnosis, she only lived for a month and a half before she passed away. I, like you, was with her when she was dying. I saw her screaming in pain and it traumatized me. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. I empathize with you saying that it truly is like a movie while it was happening, because although my mom's passing was not as quick as yours, that whole month and a half I felt as though I was walking in a dream-like state that I could not wake up from. I kept waiting for my eyes to open and to sit up in bed and have everything be normal. I still feel that way 8 months later.

Since her death my health anxiety has sky rocketed. I had a little bit of HA prior to her death, but it was very manageable and did not interfere much with my life. After her illness/death my health anxiety is through the roof. I think I am looking for symptoms because she did not have any. I am terrified of dying, of my loved ones dying, and that I am not doing enough for my health.

It also does not help that both you and I are dealing with extreme grief from loss on top of the anxiety.

I will say that finding this site has helped me a lot and I hope you are feeling welcome here. Feel free to message me any time, as we are kind of in a similar place.

Hang in there.

[swgrl09]

And you know what, it does suck being young with this. I work with senior citizens and everybody tells me not to worry about my health, but I can't help it. It's always on my mind. I feel like I don't remember how to relax or what relaxing feels like anymore.

Jess

[swgrl09]

Also not to keep rambling, but you are not alone. I too thought many times during the last day of my moms life that I wish she would just pass on. She was in so much pain and it was so hard for me to watch, I sobbed the whole time and begged her to let go. It was awful.

[Worried_Male]

Also not to keep rambling, but you are not alone. I too thought many times during the last day of my moms life that I wish she would just pass on. She was in so much pain and it was so hard for me to watch, I sobbed the whole time and begged her to let go. It was awful.

Your story really touched me. My heart goes out to you. x

[swgrl09]

Thanks for the support, being here has truly helped me a lot. It is hard to deal with not only health anxiety but also immense grief. I am hoping that if I can get one under control, then the other will also begin to process as well. I know my grief will never be gone, but I am hoping I can learn to have it as a part of me in a more healthy way once my anxiety is a little more controlled.

[alix123]

My health anxiety comes from a fear of dying, I have been scared of dying since I was 10 and the last couple of years have developed the HA. My Dad passed in 2008 from pulmonary embolism (blood clot to lung) and then in 2010 my Mum had 2 heart attacks and had to have bypass surgery, at this time it came out that her father and grandfather had died from heart problems at a young age, I am only 25 myself but all these illnesses around me make the HA worse because you see it and it could just as easily happen to you so it does make the anxiety worse. I'm happy for you that you are dealing with things now and hope you are feeling much better soon. Big hugs xxx

[mel78]

I was very moved by your story BigG. Loosing a loved one is always very traumatic and your story was especially harrowing. I lost a very close relative to cancer four years ago and to be honest I think that I had some kind of post traumatic stress disorder for a long time afterwards. I still miss her and think about her all the time, but day by day, the sadness is slowly replaced by the happy memories of the times we had together.

I am sure the experience has contributed to my HA (though I definitely already had that beforehand).

[kinnygirl1]

Hi there

Well done for telling your story. There are so many of us suffering with health anxiety at the moment. A close friend of mine died from a sudden heart attack and it was such a shock. Months later my own health anxiety began. I am another one who believes that there may be something wrong with my heart even though all tests point towards anxiety. I have started to feel a bit better lately (touches wood!) and I am sure you will too. Its a long road to recovery but you can do it. Good Luck x