qaz321
10-09-11, 04:31
I've been dealing with anxiety for a couple of years now, and I've been through it all, everything from running to the doctors, to feeling like I'm sick the the flu all the time, to having crazy depersonalization and derealization, to staying in my bed for days because I was too scared to get out.
Most of this is in the past, and only a few of my symptoms remain.
I still have a heart fear (about it stopping all of the sudden, but I do have rational reasons to believe that it could, although not very probably, because of an arrhythmia and other idiopathic symptoms), which gives me a little trouble falling asleep at times; a little bit of depersonalization (especially in showers for some reason); and the occasional panic attack with feelings of extreme unreality/disconnection when under a lot of stress.
I can say that I've progressed a lot, and I'm happy about that. I've started meditation, I'm practicing mindfulness and I've become a more conscious and (hopefully) better person overall.
However, there is this one symptom that I cannot cope with / have no idea as to what causes it / know nothing about it / can't even properly define it, and it drives me nuts, and it keeps my fears alive, and often revives my anxious side. I've searched everywhere and found nothing, and I hope someone will at least point me in the right direction..
So here is how it is: It happens most often when I concentrate on something like work, but it can happen at any time. I get this "negative feeling" and I know that sounds really vague, but it's an emotion (not a physical feeling) and it's toward something external, always, and it's usually in the past, or somehow linked to it. It's a very negative feeling, (feelings being positive, neutral or negative) and it's almost a burning kind of sensation in my head. It usually makes me paranoid / scared / frustrated / angry / feeling crazy, and then it spirals downward from there. It's like a generalized feeling of everything being dry, yellow, poisoned, hot, and crappy, and it makes me feel unsafe and almost nauseous / ill / icky. That's one of the ways it manifests, and other times it's just about one object, such as a song, or a thought, or a colour, but eventually it ends up spreading to everything. It can even happen when I'm apparently happy and calm.
Surprisingly this emotion is always negative, but it's never the same "colour". I perceive emotions to have colours, and usually it's dry yellow/orange, but it can switch.
I've tried to meditate on it, but what ends up happening is emotion -> intensified emotion -> questioning paranoia / what's happening? -> "abort mission" -> fear
Another thing that I wanted to mention is that I get a similar / identical emotion when looking at a picture, or thinking about how I feel about a song / picture / object. I'm not sure if it's the emotion that's causing it (spreading) or this emotion can be "summoned" by looking at something that I perceive as ugly / dry.
What is this thing? What causes it? How can I prevent it?
Looking over what I just wrote doesn't make much sense. I hope I can define it better if you ask me a direct question :p
Thanks in advance.
Most of this is in the past, and only a few of my symptoms remain.
I still have a heart fear (about it stopping all of the sudden, but I do have rational reasons to believe that it could, although not very probably, because of an arrhythmia and other idiopathic symptoms), which gives me a little trouble falling asleep at times; a little bit of depersonalization (especially in showers for some reason); and the occasional panic attack with feelings of extreme unreality/disconnection when under a lot of stress.
I can say that I've progressed a lot, and I'm happy about that. I've started meditation, I'm practicing mindfulness and I've become a more conscious and (hopefully) better person overall.
However, there is this one symptom that I cannot cope with / have no idea as to what causes it / know nothing about it / can't even properly define it, and it drives me nuts, and it keeps my fears alive, and often revives my anxious side. I've searched everywhere and found nothing, and I hope someone will at least point me in the right direction..
So here is how it is: It happens most often when I concentrate on something like work, but it can happen at any time. I get this "negative feeling" and I know that sounds really vague, but it's an emotion (not a physical feeling) and it's toward something external, always, and it's usually in the past, or somehow linked to it. It's a very negative feeling, (feelings being positive, neutral or negative) and it's almost a burning kind of sensation in my head. It usually makes me paranoid / scared / frustrated / angry / feeling crazy, and then it spirals downward from there. It's like a generalized feeling of everything being dry, yellow, poisoned, hot, and crappy, and it makes me feel unsafe and almost nauseous / ill / icky. That's one of the ways it manifests, and other times it's just about one object, such as a song, or a thought, or a colour, but eventually it ends up spreading to everything. It can even happen when I'm apparently happy and calm.
Surprisingly this emotion is always negative, but it's never the same "colour". I perceive emotions to have colours, and usually it's dry yellow/orange, but it can switch.
I've tried to meditate on it, but what ends up happening is emotion -> intensified emotion -> questioning paranoia / what's happening? -> "abort mission" -> fear
Another thing that I wanted to mention is that I get a similar / identical emotion when looking at a picture, or thinking about how I feel about a song / picture / object. I'm not sure if it's the emotion that's causing it (spreading) or this emotion can be "summoned" by looking at something that I perceive as ugly / dry.
What is this thing? What causes it? How can I prevent it?
Looking over what I just wrote doesn't make much sense. I hope I can define it better if you ask me a direct question :p
Thanks in advance.