Partner trying to help his missus

[mandshere2000]

Hi all
Hope some one could give me some advice on what is the best thing to do when my missus is having a panic attack. I always seem to do the wrong thing and it seems to make her worse:mad:. One time I will try to comfort her and she will tell me to leave her alone then next time I will leave her alone and she gets worse because she feels I am ignoring her. I have tried asking her what she wants but I dont know if this is a common thing that because when your anxiety is very high you dont seem to know what you want yourself (does that even make sense lol). All I want to do is help her get through it but I always seem to make her worse, is there any partners out there that can relate to this? I have never suffered with a panic attack or anything like it so i dont really know what she is going through and no matter how many times and how many different ways she tries to explain I still dont understand, before I met mands i had never caome into contact with panic / anxiety attacks and if I had I would probably saqy pull yourself together but since seeing her in these states of panic I know it is not somthing that she can control. Im just looking for someone who has experience of helping others with these disorders to maybe give me some sound advice. Thanks for taking the time to read this I hope someone will reply.
Thanks
Ian

[xxlisaxx08]

In short, we don't know what will help us during a panic attack and are just as baffled about them as you are. Most of the time I hate people talking to me while I'm having one it makes me more anxious for some reason but I need to know that someone is nearby 'just incase something happens to me'. Everyone's different though and what works for one may not work for others. Being supportive and understanding is the best thing you can do. I know it's difficult to understand what's happening but most of the time we don't either. Panic attacks usually seem like they come out of the blue which is why they're so frightening. Perhaps talk about it when she's not in an anxious state, what's going through her head when she's having a panic attack/what she's worrying about then you can have some coping statements prepared. Give her a cuddle after the panic attack has passed they do leave you feeling a little embarrassed and vulnerable.

It's really nice that you've came on here to see what to do

Lisa x

[Carrera74]

When I first started having my panic attacks I wanted to be on my own. If I was out I wanted to get home as quickly as possible to my safe place and I didn't want hubby anywhere near me. I was embarrased and scared at the same time. There were times we'd be out and I'd tell him to stay out then freak at him when he got home as he wasn't there for me (poor guy didn't know if he was coming or going sometimes!).

The important thing is to talk to each other and be as open as you can with each other.

My husband is my rock. He'll never know how my panic feels but I know he feels my pain at how frustrated and down it can make me feel. Knowing I have his support 100% makes it more bearable.

Is your other half getting any support from her GP? You could point her in the direction of this site. It's been such a lifeline for me to know that others are experiencing what I have and got out the other side.

And good for you for coming on here to get some support for her :)

[anx mum]

Best thing u can do is be supportive believe me ive had many panic attacks and ive had no control over them the worst thing u can say is pull yourself together just be there if shes over breathing offer her a paper bag take slow breaths. Believe me i feel for her they r not nice

[happy13]

I just wanted to say, that she is a very lucky lady to have you care so much. My husband is my rock even though he doesn't understand. Make sure you look after yourself aswell, having a partner with anxiety can be extremely draining. X x

[bookworm58]

my dear husband of almost 35 years is my rock,but he doesn't know how he can help me,it is very difficult for loved ones to know what to do for the best. x

[mikewales]

It is hard, but I would say play it by ear when it happens. Ask her what she wants, if she tells you to get lost, dont take it personally, its just the panic talking and give her some space. If she does want support, then just holding her and gently and calmly talking to her should help her calm down.

If you are out somewhere and she starts feeling panicky, ask her if she wants to go home or to go somewhere quiet, a park or something like that away from people often helps.

There isnt really any definite answer, but if you work it out between you you should be ok, just remember it IS just the panic, it takes over your brain, and doesnt represent how she really feels about you

[KayleighJane]

when i feel panicky i like to be around someone I hate being on my own, I find it helps to talk about anything at all and then i start thinking about what we are talking about and forget about the panic. Like many people have said though when your in full panic mode its hard to know what you want yourself let alone someone else asking you what you need. all you can do is be nearby if she needs you and just talk her down from it, help her breathing calm down and just generally re-assure her. Other than that there isn't much else you can do. Fair play to you for being so supportive and wanting to know what you can do to help her though, a lot of partners are not like this.

Kayleigh x

[bookworm58]

unless you are a sufferer of anxiety,i personally can not put into words how it feels,mine started when i started going through the menopause and sure thing the menopause can cause anxiety,also came off anti depressants and sleeping tablets to quickly,and not sure if it is the meno or coming off tablets,is making me feel like this, wish i knew.

[Meewah]

Sorry for stating the obvious here but why not ask your Missus? Ask her when she is not having one as is feeling calmer than usual.

Mee

[thetube82]

Hi Ian,

For what its worth i would recommend you try to educate your wife and yourself about panic attacks, and if any come just explain to her that what she is experiencing is not harmful at all and will pass, with or without any paper bags or walks in the park or any other reassurance, then just carry on with what your doing.

The reason i suggest this is because:

1) by reassuring her it will strengthen her belief that they are dangerous and that she has to try to 'control' them, and...
2) by totally ignoring her will make her think you dont care, which you obviously do

thetube82

[mandshere2000]

Thanks to every1 for your replies I will take them on board and let you all know if anything works.
Ian

[Bill]

Just to try and explain a little about panics...

When someone is suffering a panic attack it normally means they're feeling afraid and stressed. These result in the sufferer feeling as if they're going to pass out and that they need to escape - fight or run - because the sufferer will feel afraid of how they're feeling and will feel trapped by their stress. Therefore, they could need someone to hold them to comfort them to help them feel safe but they're also just as likely to feel more stressed if held because it re-enforces the feeling of being trapped. It all depends on whether the sufferer needs to feel secure or whether they need to feel free.

However the sufferer feels, they need someone they feel they can trust, who they feel understands who can instruct them what they need to do to ease the feelings if they can't help themselves.

I feel you need patience and a calm tone because anything said or done that makes them feel more stressed will only make them panic more.

Slow deep breathing through the nose and out through the mouth is normally effective because panic results from quick shallow breathing causing an imbalance of oxygen/carbon dioxide making the sufferer feel faint. Deep breathing restores the balance and also eases palpitations caused by the rush of adrenalin produced by the anxious feelings. Therefore, talking the sufferer through this will help them but it's very important the instructor remains patient and calm throughout.

Anyway, that's how I would try to help.:shrug: