DisturbedDani
14-09-11, 20:36
....but it would seem I'm not :weep:
Hi...29, living with my partner and our beautiful 8 month old Princess.
I have an ongoing battle with depression. Mine has been described as 'morbid' depression several times, by several Dr's because I am consumed with a fear of dying. It's more a fear of dying young but I am afraid of dying full-stop. I can't get my head around the fact that one day I won't be here. It petrifies and devastates me.
I was fun-loving and carefree through my teens, even after I'd grieved for my Dad when I was 15...he died of Cancer. Loved going out with friends, drinking occasionally...and then I entered the 'house music' scene, at 19. I started smoking Cannabis, took Ecstasy and Cocaine pretty regularly 'til I was about 23. I continued to smoke Cannabis up until I started a new job where I had to be drug tested. This was in 2008 and I haven't touched it since. I'm pretty sure my drug use is mostly to blame for my anxiety & depression.
I have been on Sertraline for a long time (except for the 9 months I was pregnant) which seems to help. I have recently started 100mg again since having my baby. I was doing well, pre-occupied with our beautiful bundle of joy but things started to creep back in. I had a brief thought that I was going to die during labour but when I was actually 'in' labour, I didnt give it a second thought. It's the last couple of months where things have started to get dark again. I'm overweight but have lost almost 10lbs in the last 3 weeks, after a trip to the Dr showed high B/P. I am now obsessed with checking my B/P with a 'home' monitor. When I say obsessed, I mean I check it almost every half hour!! I am convinced I have undetected cancer after I had CIN3 a couple of years ago. The fact that I havent had a smear test since then (2008) makes me think I have Cancer and this will lay undiscovered until they test me again. I look for things on a daily basis. Most recently is my discovery of white nail beds...across the middle of each nail in a crescent shape. I have been Googling this for most of the day. I also have 'floaters' which are black spots and shapes in my vision. Have had these checked out recently and have been told they're present but unless they increase in number, they are just something I have to deal with. I have had chronic Tinnitus in both ears for about 10 years...unsure as to why although I would say it's the clubbing days..it has been checked out and I've been told its something I will have to overcome/deal with. Its getting worse though and so now I am telling myself there is something sinister going on because of all of the above. The Tinnitus gets me down more than anything else. I just want to hear silence again!! Its a constant high-pitched ringing although recently it has been accompanied by a lower 'pressure' type noise and feeling. I have a sound machine, given to me by the audiology dept at the hospital which helps me manage it at night time but I just wish it would go.
I have ectopic heartbeats too...I think these kick started my feeling that I was going to drop down dead, although I have worn a heart monitor and was told that they're just extra beats and nothing more. They still terrify me though.
Anyway....this sums up me...pretty much although I could prattle on for a lot longer. This has been therapeutic although I imagine many of you stopped reading a few paragraphs ago!! :roflmao:
Hi...29, living with my partner and our beautiful 8 month old Princess.
I have an ongoing battle with depression. Mine has been described as 'morbid' depression several times, by several Dr's because I am consumed with a fear of dying. It's more a fear of dying young but I am afraid of dying full-stop. I can't get my head around the fact that one day I won't be here. It petrifies and devastates me.
I was fun-loving and carefree through my teens, even after I'd grieved for my Dad when I was 15...he died of Cancer. Loved going out with friends, drinking occasionally...and then I entered the 'house music' scene, at 19. I started smoking Cannabis, took Ecstasy and Cocaine pretty regularly 'til I was about 23. I continued to smoke Cannabis up until I started a new job where I had to be drug tested. This was in 2008 and I haven't touched it since. I'm pretty sure my drug use is mostly to blame for my anxiety & depression.
I have been on Sertraline for a long time (except for the 9 months I was pregnant) which seems to help. I have recently started 100mg again since having my baby. I was doing well, pre-occupied with our beautiful bundle of joy but things started to creep back in. I had a brief thought that I was going to die during labour but when I was actually 'in' labour, I didnt give it a second thought. It's the last couple of months where things have started to get dark again. I'm overweight but have lost almost 10lbs in the last 3 weeks, after a trip to the Dr showed high B/P. I am now obsessed with checking my B/P with a 'home' monitor. When I say obsessed, I mean I check it almost every half hour!! I am convinced I have undetected cancer after I had CIN3 a couple of years ago. The fact that I havent had a smear test since then (2008) makes me think I have Cancer and this will lay undiscovered until they test me again. I look for things on a daily basis. Most recently is my discovery of white nail beds...across the middle of each nail in a crescent shape. I have been Googling this for most of the day. I also have 'floaters' which are black spots and shapes in my vision. Have had these checked out recently and have been told they're present but unless they increase in number, they are just something I have to deal with. I have had chronic Tinnitus in both ears for about 10 years...unsure as to why although I would say it's the clubbing days..it has been checked out and I've been told its something I will have to overcome/deal with. Its getting worse though and so now I am telling myself there is something sinister going on because of all of the above. The Tinnitus gets me down more than anything else. I just want to hear silence again!! Its a constant high-pitched ringing although recently it has been accompanied by a lower 'pressure' type noise and feeling. I have a sound machine, given to me by the audiology dept at the hospital which helps me manage it at night time but I just wish it would go.
I have ectopic heartbeats too...I think these kick started my feeling that I was going to drop down dead, although I have worn a heart monitor and was told that they're just extra beats and nothing more. They still terrify me though.
Anyway....this sums up me...pretty much although I could prattle on for a lot longer. This has been therapeutic although I imagine many of you stopped reading a few paragraphs ago!! :roflmao: