Pongowaring
15-09-11, 03:11
Hello
For about the last 14 years, I have suffered from GAD. Generally, I manage to keep a lid on it, but it s always there, having an impact - negative, obviously - on my life.
I've grown pretty good at handling it, by and large, but since 1997, I have had a few periods when I have found it too much to handle, and have used medication. Typically, the meds have worked (fluoxetine, seroxat, citalopram are the ones I have used), other than the current spell, where citalopram has given me a hard time.
In these tough spells I start to find my anxiety tip over into what I see as panic attacks. I don't have the gasping for breath, heart pounding sensations, mine are about shakiness and depersonalisation, but when I get lots of increased situational anxiety attacks, I know that is when I need help.
The first time I had real problems, 14 years ago, I had been until then been pretty confident, had a very good job in a foreign country, was earning a lot of money for a 28 year old, and enjoying life. Then a combination of factors kicked in. My job got very unrewarding and stressful. My marriage fell apart. I started getting terrible anxiety. Intrusive thoughts were the worst thing. I didn't know at that point that it was anxiety, which made it utterly terrifying.
I sought help and gradually got better, or at least functional.
In 2002 I had another spell after I was made redundant. In 2008, it happened again, this time it was pretty tough, for several months.
I am currently going through another spell, and citalopram for six weeks has made me feel considerably worse.
I should add that, in that 14 year period, between these bad spells, I have always been very anxious, it didn't go away, I have just managed to keep it under control, sometimes with great difficulty and other times with real impact on my quality of life.
I have been thinking deeper about what has happened to me this spell. I should preface this by saying that this isn't health anxiety kicking in and making me fixate on something else - HA isn't an issue for me - it is some plain thinking about how i got where I am.
It isn't easy for me to admit it, but there is one common denominator in that whole period, and is excessive alcohol consumption.
Don't get me wrong, I was at college and did a graduate degree too, so was already no stranger to binge drinking for several years. In fact, looking back to those days (over 20 years ago) my terrible hangovers back then are the closest feeling I can liken to my days of anxiety now. They are almost exactly the same.
The difference is that in 1997 when my first bout of anxiety hit me, I had started drinking on a very regular basis - every night. Not to massive levels, three or four large beers a night back then, no binge drinking, no massively boozey nghts out like when I was a student, but steady, prolonged drinking, every night.
Since then I have drunk more, and for years would drink five or six cans (large uk size, so 440 or 500 ml ones) a night.
I then moved onto red wine and for the last few years have been drinking at least two large glasses a night. Usually it is more. Sometimes it is a bottle a night. Sometimes it is wine AND beer. Or gin and tonic. I know when to stop drinking, I don't drink in the day, and i dont go to bed shitfaced every night, but I am frequently sat alone at midnight pouring myself another glass of wine.
It is very rare for me to go out with friends on benders, but I am a secretive, at home drinker. I sometimes smuggle booze in so the mrs can't see it and give me grief about it. Driving home, my main thought is very often whether I have enough booze at home for the night, and where to stop to get some if I don't
I don't want to get into a cyclical argument about whether I am an alcoholic or not. I quite ckearly do have a problem with alcohol which I'd rather not have. I am not the down-the-pub every night kind of bloke. In fact, I haven't been in a pub at all for several weeks, if not months. it doesn't make me quit jobs (I've got a decent career, I run my own software business and do pretty well) , beat up my partner, or become aggressive, but I am starting to think it is ruining my life in other ways.
At the same time, other than one or two nights recently before going on cit, I could count the nights in the year on which I had no alcohol on one hand.
What I am, though, if you want to pin a relatively accurate label on me, is the typical middle class, in-denial, bottle of wine every night, functioning alcoholic.
When on meds before, I never stopped my drinking. In fact, I don't think I even toned it down. This time on citalopram, though, I have cut down my drinking a lot - half a glass of wine mostly, sometimes a glass - and the side effects have been horrendous, and the anxiety worse than I have ever experienced. I wonder if the considerably reduced alcohol intake at the same time has heightened the anxiety for me?
Looking back over this 14 year period of anxiety in my life, prolonged drinking is the one consistent factor, and I am thinking that whilst the bouts on medication have taken the edge off the really rough patches, the drinking is what has ensured near constant general anxiety.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Does any if the above make sense?
Truthfully, i am not even sure what I am asking. I'm lying bolt awake at 3am, with the withdrawal effects of citalopram making me feel miserable as hell and started thinking about my alcohol use and had to commit it to writing.
You poor buggers are the ones who copped for it, so sorry for the essay!
For about the last 14 years, I have suffered from GAD. Generally, I manage to keep a lid on it, but it s always there, having an impact - negative, obviously - on my life.
I've grown pretty good at handling it, by and large, but since 1997, I have had a few periods when I have found it too much to handle, and have used medication. Typically, the meds have worked (fluoxetine, seroxat, citalopram are the ones I have used), other than the current spell, where citalopram has given me a hard time.
In these tough spells I start to find my anxiety tip over into what I see as panic attacks. I don't have the gasping for breath, heart pounding sensations, mine are about shakiness and depersonalisation, but when I get lots of increased situational anxiety attacks, I know that is when I need help.
The first time I had real problems, 14 years ago, I had been until then been pretty confident, had a very good job in a foreign country, was earning a lot of money for a 28 year old, and enjoying life. Then a combination of factors kicked in. My job got very unrewarding and stressful. My marriage fell apart. I started getting terrible anxiety. Intrusive thoughts were the worst thing. I didn't know at that point that it was anxiety, which made it utterly terrifying.
I sought help and gradually got better, or at least functional.
In 2002 I had another spell after I was made redundant. In 2008, it happened again, this time it was pretty tough, for several months.
I am currently going through another spell, and citalopram for six weeks has made me feel considerably worse.
I should add that, in that 14 year period, between these bad spells, I have always been very anxious, it didn't go away, I have just managed to keep it under control, sometimes with great difficulty and other times with real impact on my quality of life.
I have been thinking deeper about what has happened to me this spell. I should preface this by saying that this isn't health anxiety kicking in and making me fixate on something else - HA isn't an issue for me - it is some plain thinking about how i got where I am.
It isn't easy for me to admit it, but there is one common denominator in that whole period, and is excessive alcohol consumption.
Don't get me wrong, I was at college and did a graduate degree too, so was already no stranger to binge drinking for several years. In fact, looking back to those days (over 20 years ago) my terrible hangovers back then are the closest feeling I can liken to my days of anxiety now. They are almost exactly the same.
The difference is that in 1997 when my first bout of anxiety hit me, I had started drinking on a very regular basis - every night. Not to massive levels, three or four large beers a night back then, no binge drinking, no massively boozey nghts out like when I was a student, but steady, prolonged drinking, every night.
Since then I have drunk more, and for years would drink five or six cans (large uk size, so 440 or 500 ml ones) a night.
I then moved onto red wine and for the last few years have been drinking at least two large glasses a night. Usually it is more. Sometimes it is a bottle a night. Sometimes it is wine AND beer. Or gin and tonic. I know when to stop drinking, I don't drink in the day, and i dont go to bed shitfaced every night, but I am frequently sat alone at midnight pouring myself another glass of wine.
It is very rare for me to go out with friends on benders, but I am a secretive, at home drinker. I sometimes smuggle booze in so the mrs can't see it and give me grief about it. Driving home, my main thought is very often whether I have enough booze at home for the night, and where to stop to get some if I don't
I don't want to get into a cyclical argument about whether I am an alcoholic or not. I quite ckearly do have a problem with alcohol which I'd rather not have. I am not the down-the-pub every night kind of bloke. In fact, I haven't been in a pub at all for several weeks, if not months. it doesn't make me quit jobs (I've got a decent career, I run my own software business and do pretty well) , beat up my partner, or become aggressive, but I am starting to think it is ruining my life in other ways.
At the same time, other than one or two nights recently before going on cit, I could count the nights in the year on which I had no alcohol on one hand.
What I am, though, if you want to pin a relatively accurate label on me, is the typical middle class, in-denial, bottle of wine every night, functioning alcoholic.
When on meds before, I never stopped my drinking. In fact, I don't think I even toned it down. This time on citalopram, though, I have cut down my drinking a lot - half a glass of wine mostly, sometimes a glass - and the side effects have been horrendous, and the anxiety worse than I have ever experienced. I wonder if the considerably reduced alcohol intake at the same time has heightened the anxiety for me?
Looking back over this 14 year period of anxiety in my life, prolonged drinking is the one consistent factor, and I am thinking that whilst the bouts on medication have taken the edge off the really rough patches, the drinking is what has ensured near constant general anxiety.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Does any if the above make sense?
Truthfully, i am not even sure what I am asking. I'm lying bolt awake at 3am, with the withdrawal effects of citalopram making me feel miserable as hell and started thinking about my alcohol use and had to commit it to writing.
You poor buggers are the ones who copped for it, so sorry for the essay!