Just need someone to talk to about recent stuff

[the dude]

Ok, so ive been on and off...nothing too bad at all really...
But a week ago some people invited me to go to a movie. People i have never hung out with and one i BS with online and met at my school once. Anyway, I kept putting it off and putting it off, not knowing how i'd feel and not wanting to panic in an unfamiliar settign with people i dont know. anywayyy, i ended up not going (BOOOO i know i know), and i felt so down on myself that night it was terrible. So i went to another friends house (about 2 minutes away from mine and hung out). I did however realize that i didnt have much money anyway and hell, what the point of "hanging out" with people at a movie if there isnt going to be any socializing? I can NOT spend 10 bucks, sit at home or at another buddies house and watch a movie there.

But i still felt bad.
I also started to fear becoming Agorphobic.
ugh.
I started to feel better and then some stupid comment about agoraphobics made me sink into this negative thought cycle.
I started to reflect on the past...and I kept thinking "what the hells wrong with me?...Although going out to shows and friends houses, camping etc...used to make me feel so happy...I still stayed home a lot, instead of going out and refused to go out and do new things a lot...was it because i was anti-social? Cant be...because i loved to hang out, talk with friends, play video games, skate, whatever....so why did i NOT go out a lot BEFORE panic attacks" So i started to dwell on that.
then i try to think in a way thatll be more productive. Like; "Hey, thats the past, time to focus on the future" But what the hell...Its such a kick in the pants when you start feeling scared to go places...

Which brings me to my current dilemma...
for a week i've been thinking about this show (concert) coming up tomorrow. Its about an hour and a half away...& I think this got my anxiety WAY up because i've been feeling like downright **** lately. (pardon the language).
The 2 weeks of cloud cover (a few nice/ok days in between) doesnt help either.
I went to a show with these people a few months ago and had a panic attack 10 minutes into some bands songs. BUT i had a friend i stayed outside with and could BS with to try to get my mind off it....this time i dont.

So for the past week i've had "mini-attacks". Before that if i felt one coming on, i'd shrug it off and continue with what i was doing and maybe try to breathe better. But i had a small one at work (i work in a tollbooth) - which bothered me for a bit, especially since it was the night shift. But i got over it.

Then the next night i had a small one sittign watchign TV before i went to sleep. And over the past few days i've had that feeling...you know that "buzz" throughout your body thats probabaly the adrenaline being released slowly or something. And this is a pretty crappy sequence of events compared to how i was feeling beforehand. It does seem like my fear of it is bringing it on...but i dont know whether i want to go through with it, and end up going to this show and having a big attack. Its so frustrating...no infuriating when you start to feel like this. Damnit.

I've been doing better and better and i havent even had a full panic attack since but this anticipation is killing me. Its gotten to the poitn where if i hold my breath for a momen ti can feel one coming on...This didnt happen that easily a few weeks ago. I dont get it.
I havent been eating that great either, and have been having odd sleep schedules...But i'm 22, am i supposed to settle a bedtime and live like i did when i was 5?

ARGH!

Screw it I'm gonna try to have one now...I'm tired of waiting.
Hopefully i dont screw myself and spiral it into a HUGE attack. hahaha

[the dude]

Holy smokes thats long...
And why do i become a bulmbling, incoherent fool when i come on here to post a topic when i'm not feeling well?[B)]

[joolsukuk]

hi dude ...seems you needed to vent a bit and why not thats what we all come to do! hun i would say try to go ..whats the worse that can happen..youll feel panicky well you say you are now thinking about it so if you can i really thinkyou should try to go let us know i will keep fingers crossed you go...and you never know you might have a fantastic time with no panics!!! xxx

jools xx

[the dude]

thanks a lot for the reply.
I know i'm doing better than i was.
Before i started seeing my councelor at school i was in BAD shape. sitting on forums like these all day, tears in my eyes. Just total despair. So i have made progress...Its just frsutrating, as i'm sure all of you know.

I'm just wondering if i'll ever be able to go out again without worrying in the least bit about how far i am from home...(And im supposed to be living on my own by now haha), or if im going to flip out and have an attack. And its something sooooooo simple...I mean, its a feeling. An uncomfortable feeling.
I used to love going to dark hole-in-the-wall clubs and throwing myself around. So when your "escape" becomes another place you dont feel safe at...you dont know where to turn anymore.

I felt fine and all of a sudden i started feeling crummy for a while... and well, i didnt want to feel crummy anymore...so i got fed up and thats probabaly how more anxiety built up.

[chogau1]

I used to avoid going to discos because my first attack ocurred there. The thing is that my wife loves dancing, so she drag me any chance she has, everytime i go i fell a little scare at the door, but once inside i start felling better, and realize its not a big deal.
You have to try to think this way: You had plently of attacks allready and one more its not going to kill, we all know that for a fact right?..so dont held back to do anything, dont blame the place or the situation, our mind its the only responsable...
Once you start thinking that way, there will be nothing you cant do...
BE STRONG...breath and everything will be fine...
Love...

[the dude]

yeah i think its just that i stumbled upon some negative comments about peoples situations with anxiety and instead of taking them with a grain of salt i think theyre the ones that are right.
Why cant i do that with the positive comments, huh?

I just dont want to be on meds, I have faith in CBT (i'll probabaly be starting it soon) and i read all these comments like "therapy didnt work for me, i need meds, blah blah blah" and I just dont want that to be the case.

And it doesnt help that i didnt do much of anything today.

[Wenjoy]

Hi thre - hang on in there - you can come through so many anxious moment s- I feel anxious a lot fo the time but I keep reminding myself - ITS ONLY A FEELING _ IT CANT HURT YOU - its true - your body is wonderful its trying to protectyou when it sees a threat - even if the threat isnt anything to be afraid of - let the anxiety wash over you - surf it like a wave.
I live in the uk and its 6am in the morning so excuse my waffling!!!! still - this site helps"!! Good luck. Love Wenjoy

[mirry]

Hi, These feelings are so powerful and dominating that they leave us feeling washed out and confused.
I have been practising mindfulness meditation lately and it tells you to greet your fear like an old friend.......when it pops up say to it

"hello my old friend,yes i know you are here" and then smile to it !

It says if you keep practising it your fear will not be as strong.

mirryx

[kayes life]

Hi dude,i would strongly advise you go to the concert because if you dont go youll beat yourself up about that anyway.I know the anxiety is a nightmare but chances are when you go it wont be half as bad as you think,YOU JUST THINK IT WILL!! Try to go forward into panic as opposed to withdrawing from it and you said yourself you had one at work and got over it so youve got to keep that in mind.Good luck,let us know how it went,Kaye x

[the dude]

I reallllly appreciate the replies!!
Its funny how this FEELING (even though it can be terrible) can really take control if we let it.

theres so many things i can type right now to be negative but i just keep ending up solving these problems in my head before i get a chance to hit the keys. There is no safe place, they can happen anywhere...we have to be our own source of strength. whether we feel like it or not!

Anyway, i'm off to run some errands before this show.
WOO!

[fizz]

hi dude,
hope you are feeling well today,its a positive sign that you're even thinking about going to the concert well done, let me know how it goes ,
joanne

[the dude]

thanks for the encouraging replies once more.
I was a bit worried during the show, but if i hadnt went i wouldve been kicking myself in the end, The show was amazing. At one point the entire club was on the stage singing along with the singer.

Good stuff.
But I do realize that itd still be good to work on that fear of having PA's.
that way i dont have to worry while out and just let things go as they will.

[joolsukuk]

hi,
so glad you went..well done you! xx

jools xx

[KatiePie]

Hi
Just read all your posts - thought it was great when I got to the end to find out that you did go and had a good time too! Think that's great, well done!
KatiePie