View Full Version : helping my partner
not sure if this the correct place sorry if so, but my partner suffers from anxiety and panic attacks i have tried to understand all this but its very hard, can someone give me some advice on how to convince her to try and break these fears i refuse to just give up though i know she can beat them just need some advice
thanks
dan
bookworm58
18-09-11, 13:53
hi just be there for her,unless you suffer yourself it is very hard to explain what we feel like when we get anxious,i have been with my husband for nearly 37 years,and it is only the past 2 years that i have suffered with anxiety,i am at that age going through the menopause and coming off my medication to quickly can cause anxiety.so it is a double problem for me,of which is causing the anxiety.all the best to you,you obviously care for your partner.
bookworm58
18-09-11, 13:55
forgot to ask has your partner been to see her doctor,if she has is she on any medication.
danny s please dont give up on her understanding is def what she needs and a whole lot of patience i know its hard for you and its hard for someone who dont suffer with depression and anxiety and it can get very tiresome trust me i know as i suffer daily with bth and a whole lot more. just think how hard it is for her she def dont want to be or live this way it all depends what she means to you is she worth it? and can you handle it? just try to help her she probly is trying trust me i knowxxx:okay:
bookworm58
18-09-11, 14:07
well said selphie:hugs:
bookworm58 do u think i was a little harsh???:doh:
bookworm58
18-09-11, 15:24
selphie no you were not harsh at all.
oh good sometimes i can get a bit carried awayxxx:blush:
hi thanks for the replies. bookworm she has been to the doctors and is on medication not 100% what the medication is. selphie you weren't to harsh at all i am still trying to learn about it and always looking for help and she really is worth it i couldn't walk away now and yes it is very hard for me as i just want to be with her but i understand this isnt going to happen over night. i know all i can do if help her in what ever way i can and just keep searching for advice
hi danny s glad i wasent to harsh.sometimes i get carried away. least your trying to understand it i suffer from depression,anxiety,nerves and im still trying to understand it and wonder why i suffer from it. im glad shes worth it and means alot to you.i know it must be hard for you if you dont suffer from any kind of anxiety.does she know about this site? or is it just you? if not maybe you could tell her. i found nmp soooo helfull ive had such a better quality of life since ive been here ive met some wonderfull, helpfull,understanding ppl. im not saying it its a miracle cure its just a nice feeling to know your not alone:)if you dont want to tell her you have been on the site(if she dosent know) tell her someone told you bout it. good luckxxxxxx:hugs::hugs:
hi selphie no i havnt told her about this site she knows that i am always looking and researching and learning about anxiety so i will let her know about this site as it can only help. it seems to me its all about the fears and everything linked with that but i worry that i can be to pushy
VioletWings
20-09-11, 17:19
I think it's great that you want to help her and understand -that is so wonderful in itself.
I think one piece of advice I'd give in trying to understand her -is not to assume her capabilities, or lack of. As in -take her word for it if she says she feels she cannot do something.
Try not to force your advice, even if you are well meaning. My boyfriend used to give me advice trying to help me, but I usually already knew it, or I knew it wasn't as simple as just doing that particular thing, and it used to frustrate me. Now he doesn't do that any more, but rather supports and encourages any steps I do make (which is just what I need!)
Also there's a book that I just recommended on here called 'Understanding Panic Attacks and Overcoming Fear' by Dr Roger Baker -you could give that one a shot as I think there's a lot of helpful information in there (the link is in my other post -you can get it on Amazon for a fiver)
And as Selphie did say -a lot of patience and strength is needed. When I've been at my worst I have been aware of being a burden to my family (not that they said that to me!), but I needed them there with me, and I appreciate their sacrifice so much. It is very difficult for those close to anxiety sufferers, but it is very difficult for the sufferer -so you're in it together.
Hope this helps a bit, and all the very best.
i will tell her about that book thank you :) i have realised i was getting way to pushy with everything so going to calm it down with that but i cant walk away from it so just got to wait it out
I think one piece of advice I'd give in trying to understand her -is not to assume her capabilities, or lack of. As in -take her word for it if she says she feels she cannot do something.
This is huge. My wife has been an angel the way she has helped and aided me as I've dealt with my anxiety issues. She's never questionedn me when I've elected that we should leave someplace prematurely or if I felt that attending a particular function was just asking for trouble.
Think in terms of becoming her "safe person". That person she can always turn to for unconditional support and encouragement. That person that helps bridge the gap between what she feels is happening and what is really happening. Easier said than done, I know. But if you can manage it it's a huge help. Just being able to be near my wife helps to defuse much of the anxiety I feel.
its the fact that i cant be with her that makes it hard all i want to do is meet and all she wants to do is meet me but the panic and anxiety gets in the way, it worrys me about how long it could take but i wont give up
An old thread of mine in case it's of any help to you...
Erasing the memory of fear
I hope this might help in some way....
Supposing you live in a flat and every morning you leave to go to work. As usual, you get in the lift and think nothing of it until one day the lift gets stuck and you're left there for what seems like hours feeling trapped. You panic thinking all the "what ifs" that could happen while you sit there waiting.
Eventually though help arrives but you feel so shaken up that the next morning you just can't face getting into the lift so instead you take the stairs.
You arrive at the office to start your day and everything feels ok but later you're called to a meeting and you suddenly get this overwhelming feeling of being trapped in what feels a tiny room with a crowd of people. You begin to panic and make an excuse to pop out to calm down.
After work though you feel well enough again to do some shopping but as you go around the shop, again you start feeling trapped which starts you off sweating, having palpitations and feelings as if you can't breathe. Everyone appears "alien" and everything feels "unreal". You finish the shopping as quickly so you can to get home to relax.
From that day on, you feel so afraid that you just can't face the lift, the office or even to go shopping because of the panicky feelings you felt that day. Each of these places now represent "feelings of fear" and of being "trapped" with no escape. What's happened is that a new memory has been left imprinted in your mind causing you to link these places with feelings of fear and yet you've been in these situations many times before without experiencing any problems....until now.
A bad experience in the lift is now being replayed in every situation that your memory now relates with feelings of being trapped. In other words, one bad day has affected your whole life because now you feel too afraid to even leave your home. Every time you think about leaving your home, all you feel is panic before you've even stepped out the door because in your mind you know you're going to have to face places where you experienced panicky feelings which now in themselves make you feel too afraid too feel because you now fear something will happen to you.
However, even in your flat you still can't relax and you feel anxious all the time. This is because once again your mind connects your flat with the bad memory of the experience in the lift being in a confined space making you feel trapped.
You now feel faced with a choice....
Give up and stay home in which case you feel anxious, depressed and a failure because you just can't control your feelings of fear OR force yourself to face these places again BUT you KNOW before you go out that you ARE going to feel terrified as a result.
However, there is a third option....
"The wrong preparation creates the wrong result but the right preparation creates the right result"
If you go out expecting to feel fear, you WILL feel fear and you will almost certainly fail. However, if you can learn BEFORE you attempt to go out how to be and remain calm, to Not focus on your feelings and remind yourself of the thoughts you once had before that bad day when you left for work, then with willpower and determination and most importantly when you feel well enough to attempt it, it IS possible to then erase these memories of fear and replace them with new memories of feeling relaxed in these situations again so that you can get on with your life.
What I would say, is try not to give in to fear because if you do, fear will follow you wherever you go that you think represents safety because in effect anywhere you think is safe will actually become your trap so fear will reside with you wherever you go.
It does take time but to defeat fear, you must in your mind feel free to roam with no chains to confine you or you'll always feel trapped with memories of fear.:hugs:
Sorry SO long...but another thread that might help you....
Is this You?
One day you're going about doing your usual things, going to work, going shopping, taking the kids to and from school, doing the housework, cooking, cleaning etc then one day you pop in a shop as you've down countless times before and suddenly start coming over giddy with a feeling like you can't breathe, sweating, a sensation like you're going to pass out, and you start to panic what's wrong with you.
You dash out the shop as fast as possible, still shaking wondering what the hell is wrong with you because you feel so ill. You feel so ill that you think you really must be ill so you decide to visit the doctor who then tells you it was a panic attack and offers you meds which you think must be the cure.
That evening you think to yourself it's a good time to sit back and try to relax but as you lay there your heart starts pounding which triggers more frightening thoughts about your health.
That night you have a restless night having nightmares about being chased but you can't seem to escape. You wake in a sweat with terrifying feelings all over your body.
The next day you wake up unusually anxious. You break into a sweat but you don't know why but eventually you get up because you know you have to go to work and have too many jobs around the house and a family who relies on you.
The journey to work is very stressful though and many a time you feel so panicky that you just want to turn around and go home again. Eventually though you arrive at work and the symptoms ease for a while as you get engrossed into your work.
The day though has been very stressful and you know you have to go back to the shop where you felt so ill the day before. You get to the shop door and you feel absolutely terrified that you're going to experience the same terrifying sensations you felt the day before.
You ented the shop in a trembling state and before you know it, wham! the sensations hit you like hitting a brick wall. Yo end up running out the shop as quickly as you can and when you get home you feel So depressed that the feelings won't stop and Such a failure for not being able to do what you used to do before without thinking.
Just as the previous night, you have a terrible nights sleep and the next morning you feel very shakey. This time though you simply can't face going into work so you ring in sick.
You stay in all day too terrified to go out, feeling too ill when you try relaxing and too trembly all day.
After a third bad night, the next morning once again you can't face going into work but instead of getting up you lay in bed All day because you feel too terrified to even move.
From going to work and doing all the jobs around the house, you have become housebound and an agoraphobic with even getting out of bed an extreme effotrt.
How did you slip so far and how do you get back to how you were when even the meds can't seem to cure you?
Let's go back to the beginning...
You were under alot of stress at work and at home. Too many things to do. Too little support to help you cope. Without realising it the stress became too much and your mind was telling you that you'd reached your limit when you had the first panic attack.
This first panic attack then instilled a fear of experiencing the symptoms again when you next visited the shop.
Your fear of thinking they would happen again then actually created them becaus you were already worrying before you went into the shop the next time This worry and fear of the symptoms returning created extra stress which made you feel panicky which in turn caused the panic to re-surface.
When you were at home, your subconscious couldn't stop worrying about the trauma you'd experienced. Again, this worry and looking for those symptoms then made you focus on evey sensation in your body and the slightest weird sensation then triggered you to worry and focus more until you triggered another panic through your own fear induced by the original panic.
The nightmares you experienced were due to the fact you felt trapped by your fear. You wanted to run away from these terrifying symptoms but you couldn't find an escape because they were constantly within you while you slept.
When you're alone especially, you then feel very vulnerable because the you fear the sensations returning causing you to pass out but no one is there to keep you safe. As soon as you're left on your own, your fear is already making the sensations re-surface because your fear makes you focus on them which then creates them just as it did Before you waled into the shop the second time.
Fear of feeling panics then rules your life because everywhere where you feel vulnerable you're already preparing yourself to "feel ill" which then you duly feel because the stress you're putting on yourself through your fear then causes the panics to surface.
So then..the cure?
Yes, there IS a cure so Never give up on hope but you need to learn the right technique first.
I realise it's VERY difficult when something terrifies you so much but these are some of the things that WILL cure you....
DON'T be frightened of them because the WON'T hurt you.
DON'T fight panics.
DON'T try to resist them.
DON'T allow them to tense you up.
DO keep calm, relaxed and breathe NORMALLY.
ALLOW them IN.
DON'T react to them.
DON'T care about them (say to yourself..."I DON'T CARE" and let yourself go LIMP!)
IGNORE them.
FORGET them.
RELAX your breathing.
RELAX your muscles.
DON'T think about them.
THINK about what you want in the shop.
KEEP your mind busy at home.
DON'T sit and do Nothing because you mind will wander.
LEARN a relaxation technique.
TRY to ease your pressures in your life (if possible).
DON'T go in search of a cure that doesn't exist.
REMEMBER the cure is in YOU because you were well BEFORE the first panic....you WILL be again.
DON'T dwell on what has happened.
WIPE your memory clean and look FORWARD.
DON'T worry and tense youself up BEFORE you go out.
LEARN how to keep calm.
DON'T dwell on frightening thoughts or feelings.
DON'T give in to fear!
NEVER GIVE UP.
KEEP PRACTISING the RIGHT techniques.
If you forget panics, they WILL forget you and evn if one day they do try to come back to haunt you, you'll then know how to tell them to get lost!)
I DO realise it's far from easy when you feel SO terrified but honestly, if you learn to all the above, then with Willpower and Determination you WILL be cured....I PROMISE! I know because I've been there!
Hope that helps someone.:bighug1:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif
hi thanks for the reply, thats very helpful thank you, ended up been helpful for me as well in understanding that little bit more
Sorry it was so long but I thought it might help to give some background as to what can trigger panics. They can most certainly be overcome because I know many people who have conquered them. I just wanted to try and help you both.:)
i dont mind how long it was and thanks for the reply again
Sorry it was so long but I thought it might help to give some background as to what can trigger panics. They can most certainly be overcome because I know many people who have conquered them. I just wanted to try and help you both.:)
the second part of the descriptions about doing too much really just made me realise why mine started back up again so thanks for that! x
I often think that when panics strike seemingly out of the blue, they can be very frightening in themselves because they can make you worry about all sorts of things that could be wrong with you.
The fear of the unknown - I think if we can understand why we're suffering panics and what has actually caused all these frightening feelings, it can help to reassure but also help us to devise a plan towards getting better again because you then know what you're dealing with.
That is often my hope when I make up stories based on fact like the above because hopefully someone will relate with them and think, oh yes, so that's why I'm suffering from them. There's always a cause and I believe there's always a cure as well as prevention but every person has to be treated individually because of an individuals circumstances.
When I suffered my first panic attack I called for an ambulance and ended up in A&E. I hadn't a clue what was wrong with me! I felt worse when the nurse politely accused me of wasting their time. She was right but I just didn't know what a panic was at the time.
A person I knew was agoraphobic and they suffered terrible panic attacks just stepping outside the house but from the time I knew them to the time we lost touch, they had gone from being stuck indoors to a full- time job, going to crowded events and holidaying around the world so I feel if they can overcome panics then it gives hope that many others can also learn how to with the right support and guidance.
It was only later that it was all explained to me why I had suffered my panics and from then I worked out a plan to make sure they never came back which is really based on what I've added in my post.
I'm glad what I wrote was of some help to you MardyBum.:hugs:
friendswanted2012
22-01-12, 21:36
oh danny you are so sweet to find out all you can about anxiety on my behalf i promise things will be different for us i love you so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello, I suffer from panic disorder& write my diary on a blog www.confessionsofpanicdisorder.blogspot.com (http://www.confessionsofpanicdisorder.blogspot.com) I have been on medication and now go to counselling. I write the diary so that other sufferers of panic do not feel alone&can see someone else's personal journey through treatment and life. Maybe this will help you to understand how she feels as I also have a partner and he is very helpfull with my panic :) xx
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