Beginning to Lose the Faith

[One]

I'm a young guy in my early 20's, and I have suffered from panic attacks for as long as I can remember. Until a few years ago, they happened once every six months or so, generally around a 'high stress event' (e.g. going out, concerts, eating out etc). However, since my father was pretty ill a few years ago (he is ok now thankfully), and since a horrible panic attack while on holiday in America, the panic has spread into every area of my life.

I was at university (a couple of years into a degree), and had to leave it years ago because of it. At that time I was tremendously depressed, with the anxiety as a side order, but since the depression lifting it became clear the anxiety and panic are the main problems.

It seems that every time I make a bit of progress (eg start a new job) I take two steps back (eg losing the job). I have seen a couple of therapists/councillors, and still see one weekly. I have also been to the GP on several occasions and tried several medications (currently on a beta blocker). Also, I attended a private assessent at a mental health hospital but simply couldn't justify the money they were looking for, when I couldn't see it helping.

So now comes my question? Will it ever end? Despite several hard efforts to 'beat' it and make progress, I constantly seem to end up moving backwards. Everything is difficult for me, even when I do hide it. My family have been a tremendous support, but even they are beginning to get really frustrated. They constantly complain about the logisitics of living around someone who cannot guarantee they will be in a certain place at a certain time. My dad even described me as 'embarassing' tonight when I couldn't attend a family event.

I was out last night, and have been making efforts to make progress, but I never get anywhere. Instead of just being worried about one thing, eg travel, I know worry about everything and anything. My teeth, my guts, whether food and drink are safe to consume, germs etc etc etc.

It's just getting to the stage where I can't see it ever improving :weep:

Rant over :unsure:

[Col]

Hi, I've only started suffering since the beginning of this year BUT this years been a complete and utter write off. I'm 30 and married two kids and if you look at my first post on fear of fainting and another of my posts on honey it explains all my stuff. BUT despite not having it as long as you, having this over you for a day , is like a life time!
Its absolutely shocking and soooo debilitating. There's no one who feels more guilty than us folk so for your dad to call you embarrassing is a real kick in the teeth.
What it is , is, people who have never got to the stage where they have experienced the sheer terror of panic/ stress/ anxiety, will always remain ignorant to those who sufferr with this massive infliction. I myself ( sorry to say it ) was amongst this ignorant lot to be honest, I'd be like " depression pull your bloody self together " BUT WOULD NEVER say this now because I know how shocking this all is. I think every one is different and some will be understanding BUT unfortunately i believe people who have never experienced this will never quite understand!!!!! I seriously am beginning to start to think of panic
awareness on a big scale, because something needs to be done. It affects peoples work, careers, marriages, them even going out to the doctors AND people need to be made seriously aware of this. I know it is a mental illness in one way, but in another it's not a mental illness, in a way of being a complete nutter as some would think. Most people with anxiety etc have been highly successful and lost it
all, but they've not lost their marbles, they're simply in fear of feeling in fear and vulnerable.

With regards to yourself I don't mean to be disrespectful BUT your dads comment, let it completely wash over your head, be as ignorant to his comments as he is too your panic.
I'd just glare at him, because if he only knew how hurt your were by what he said.

Takecare and seriously look after your self and forget any one else.

[One]

Thanks a lot for the reply.

My dad was depressed for a while, so I always thought he kind of had an insight into what life is like for me. To be fair I think it's just stress and frustration that makes him get a bit annoyed at times, but it still hurts.

If I could click my fingers and make everything ok I obviously would! As for looking him in the eyes, I'll be honest, I'm still sort of ashamed of it all so tend to avoid looking at most people too much when talking to them. Whereas if I'm talking to my dad about my problems I just tend to look into the ground...

[Dafyddjohndavies]

Hi there,

Not been on here in a while and read your post so thought I should respond.

I myself have gone through everything that you have described and almost come out the other side where most of my days are anxiety free, so think I might be in a position where I can give you some advice.

I'm 27, and went through a terrible phase of anxiety which had been with me since 2002. I used to drink through uncomfortable situations, and it kept me able to do social things with my friends. This was no way to live. I was basically running away from every situation that made me feel uncomfortable, and bit by bit my world got so small I was afraid to leave the house. I had fears of food, fear of heart attack, fear of fainting, fear of fear..... it was a dark dark time, and my thoughts used to turn suicidal quite often. I was so stuck in my own world that I felt like I was on a different planet to everyone else, and no one understood.

Like you my parents got frustrated that they couldnt help, and my new girlfriend who id moved in with got the full brunt of the anxiety. She basically became my carer and this put a massive strain on a new relationship. I found that no one understood what I was going through, and I got really frustrated because they couldnt see how much pain i was in.

But all that changed when I went for a few appointments with a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

I took what they said and adapted it to myself. So I thought Id share what gave me a bit of control and helped me to eventually put the anxiety out of my life and feel normal for a change.

So first of all. You need to try and learn to accept that you have anxiety. You need to try and surrender to all the pain and symptoms and let the anxiety do its thing. The funny thing with anxiety is the more you try and fight it then the worse it makes you feel. So in order to accept it you have to want to feel bad, just allow the anxiety to do it's worst. This sounds counter productive but it's what will work.

The more you think, "oh please not again, why me" the worse you will feel. You need to change that to "Come on then you *******, do your worst". You will find that when you accept it and let it do it's worst to you, it will magically stop hurting as much. The more you practice this, then the better you will become.

Now the above is just a beginning to show you that you can have some control over it.

You also need to realise that anxiety ultimately stems from a fear of death. Anxiety in itself can not hurt you. You may feel like there's something wrong with you, and that the doctors have missed something etc. But it's just anxiety which is harmless. Those symptoms you get are fueled by your thoughts, so if you change your thinking you will loose your symptoms.

The crazy thing I found out about anxiety is that it's not as dominating as i first thought it was. Once I started using these techniques it was as if some one had armed me with better weapons than anxiety and the war had started. I also noticed that most of the battles I had with it I won.

So once you start challenging your thinking then it's time to start challenging your comfort zone. By this I mean going to those places you feel uncomfortable, or where you know you will feel anxious and stay there. Just turn it into an experiment where you will stay no matter how uncomfortable it makes you and let whatever happens, happen. You need to show the anxiety that you can't be bullied. I know it sounds a bit strange talking about anxiety like this, but it's how I sorted myself out. I turned anxiety into a person, which i called Simon, and anytime Simon was telling me not to do something, or not to go somewhere Id catch that thought and tell myself "**** you Simon", and did it anyway. I actually ended up doing a lot of stuff that I wouldn't have done even before anxiety.

The benefit of this is I have become a stronger person than before I had this condition, and have actually used it to improve myself. It's funny how the condition I wish i'd never had is the same thing that has made me 10x more confident, happy, and adventurous than before having it.

It's taken me approx 2 years to get to where I am now, but every week since doing this I have seen results and it's made me keep going. You do get relapses, which Im currently in now and feeling the full brunt of the anxiety again, hence the reason i decided to browse this forum, but before this bout I was fully anxiety free for about 5 months. Each relapse becomes further apart and I know when I let this one leave me then it will be even longer.

So I hope this message brings you hope. I'm living proof that you can stop these symptoms.

If you need any more information, or have reached the point where you are challenging your thoughts and beating them and want to know what to do next then I have more answers for you. However it's probably worth trying these things first.

I also recommend you keep a journal of your challenges. Try not to write any negative ramblings in it, here is an example of mine from the early days:

Challenge:
Going out for a meal with Emma's (my girlfriend) family

Anxiety before (feeling from 1-10)
9

What I actually feel:
Heart pounding, worried that her parents will think im a freak, feel like im suffocating, vision is weird, feel withdrawn, lump in my throat, feel sick, dry mouth, stomach all horrible

What happened:
Went out and felt uncomfortable as hell, decided to try and challenge my thoughts and stick to it. Took about an hour before I finally calmed down a little and managed to get through it ok. Heart palpitations and panic was there to begin with but after letting them take over me they subsided and I actually had an ok time.

Anxiety level afterwards (1-10)
4-5

How I feel:
Slightly relieved it's over, but good that I didn't give in. Feel I could do this again and be better at it.



So you see how I started and what my techniques were back then. My journal keeping has changed a bit now. I use my Ipodtouch instead as it's always with me.

Here is what my entries now look like:

Challenge:
Starting new job

How I feel:
Nervous, sick, unhappy, little bit sad, want to go home, loads of what if's in my head

Anxiety level: 5

What happened:
Got to work, used my techniques and after 10 mins I felt good.

How I feel now:
Tired, happy, relaxed, think it will be easy next time.

As you can see, this is a normal amount of anxiety that anyone would feel about a job. But even at a normal level these techniques become life changing.

Ok

I think I have written enough. So just message me if you want any more info or help with anything. I suggest you go see a CBT therapist, they should be able to sort you out with techniques that might suit you better.

Other things worth mentioning:

Alcohol is a bad idea, it makes things a lot worse. Id cut it out to begin with if I was you, until you find some control.

Caffeine is terrible for anxiety. Cut this out fully.

Sugary drinks and snacks. These also make you feel like shit. Try to cut down or cut them out to begin with.

Try to get some exercise in. The stress hormone cortisol builds up in your system and contributes to anxious feelings, plus the extra adrenaline that is pumped out when your in the fight and flight response also stays in your system. Try to run/bike/play footie, anything that gets your sweating to clear it out. It may not feel like it makes much difference to begin with but eventually when you get a routine it helps loads.

Hope your feeling better soon!!!:yesyes: